RABID TIMES
Volume 1 - Compilation
We worship you rabid squirrels! You are the most intelligent species humans have ever come across. You communicate. You use tools. You have civilised societies. You scratch a lot, but then so do we. You may have killed one of us, but we accept that was an accident. If our races were combined, we could achieve anything. Work with us.
Message sent to rabid squirrels, 10-October-1997
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Genius squirrels are a new species
that have appeared out of no-where to make camp outside the local school in our
town. They seem harmless, but extremely inquisitive. They watch us day and
night. We watch them during the day, then go to sleep. There seem to be only a
handful of them. We will try and make contact soon.
Diary entry of eyewitness, 3-October-1997
It has been eight days now since the
Genius Squirrels were first spotted. We tried to make contact with the
creatures yesterday, by flying a paper plane towards them. On this plane was
written the carefully thought out message, "hello". The largest
squirrel (about ½ m tall!) jumped out of their resident tree, and caught the
plane. It looked at the paper for a minute, then ate it. We have yet to decide
the significance of this occasion.
Today, Rick has decided to approach
the squirrels, and attempt to communicate with them. He is walking up to the
tree now. He has knocked on the trunk. Pause. Wait, the big squirrel has jumped
down to meet Rick! Rick is now using simplistic hand signals to convey a
message of peace. The squirrel is looking on, with an expression of interest.
One eyebrow seems to be raised as the squirrel stands with folded arms, roughly
one-third the size of Rick. Suddenly the squirrel sighs.
"I can talk, you idiot",
it says. This comes as quite a shock to Rick, myself, and the other watchers.
How clever are these squirrels?
"Oh", said Rick.
"Hi".
"Yeah, yeah", spoke the
squirrel, in a squeaky, yet menacing voice.
Rick gathered his wits. "What
are you?", he said.
"I eez a rabid squirrel. Een
fact I eez the keng of the rabid squirrels. Rabid squirrels are thee most
powerful creetures on thees planeet. Wee shall rule it all. Notheeng shall
oppose us. We weell kill you all!"
"Very funny", said Rick.
This was obviously the wrong thing to say, as the 'rabid' squirrel leapt at
Rick, and then proceeded to tear him apart! This terrifying example of a rabid
squirrel's strength shocked us to the core. It shocked Rick even more, pieces
of him went everywhere as he was torn to bits by a ferocious bundle of teeth
and claws.
Moments later another rabid squirrel
came down from the tree. This squirrel was tall and skinny, with an intelligent
look about it. It squeaked at the first squirrel, who stopped eating Rick.
After a brief conversation in squirrelish, the first squirrel turned to us and
said,
"Whoops, I slipped. I deed not
meen to eat your soldier. Pleese forgive mee." Both squirrels ran off into
the tree. We also went home, to contemplate this encounter.
Diary entry of eyewitness, 8-October-1997
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The rabid squirrels have gone quiet
for a month now. The message we sent them has gone unanswered. Crows have finally
eaten the last few pieces of Rick that have been lying around. So now, we are
sending someone to climb their tree. Someone brave. Someone noble. OK, we
couldn't find anyone stupid enough so we paid a passer by to do it.
He is climbing the tree now, ever
nearing the top. There are a lot of branches so his progress is easy. He gives
a quick wave down before entering the thick foliage at the top, out of sight.
After ten minutes of nervous
watching, the stranger has appeared again. He shouts down "The tree is
deserted!”
What does this mean? Where are the
rabid squirrels?
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BBC NEWS, 15-November-1998
"Today, half the population of
a town in the Midlands has been massacred. Ripped apart limb by limb. The
bodies, or what remained of them, were found all over the county. Whatever
happened here today, nobody was prepared for. Nod Brown is in the area at this
very moment:
"It
is horrible being here, in the centre of the bloodshed. There have been
countless deaths, and nobody can give a straight answer as to what happened.
Rumours of giant rodents attacking the town members in swarms are common. Are
these the rumours of delirious victims, or could small furry creatures really
do this?"
Thank you Nod. We must move on now,
as I feel sick.
On a happier note, Manchester United
were today beaten one-nil by Crystal Palace..."
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I'll get you rabid squirrels, I'll
get you.
A survivor, 15-November-98
[Note: some of the above may not be
entirely true]
END OF VOLUME
(c) Rabid Publications