Volume 10 - Issue 1
10-March-2001
MAY WE BEGIN?
A long time ago, in a Leicestershire far far away, a rabid squirrel was spotted. The first rabid squirrel. It called itself King Fuzzball the Almighty, although it was King of nothing at the time, and not very almighty. Over the last four years the rabid squirrels have multiplied and grown from a barely noticeable starting point to a near complete conquest of the world. Rabid squirrels would probably be ruling the world right now, if the Rabid Squirrel Slayers had not grown equally fast and powerful. And now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for wave three of rabid squirrel slaying - the new webpage is here! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk - It says it all.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
RSS Mission: Invaluable Rabids: E-mail results to above address
Interactive story: Take this story in the direction you want, updates will be published in Rabid Times: http://members.sitegadgets.com/chriswatling/story.html
Top 10 squirrel sites: Overwhelming, but entertaining: http://www.slayerhq.fsnet.co.uk/Parts/top10.htm
Quiz: Still a top hunter?: Bottom of issue
Mission Name: Invaluable Rabids
Type: Biological research.
Deadline: 15.April.01
Location: Your laboratory.
Summary: I can't speak for anyone else, but I have a large pile of dead rabid squirrels in the corner of my laboratory. I don't leave the bodies on the battlefield, that would be like buying the rabids a meal. So what can I do with these bodies? Your mission is to find a use for a dead rabid squirrel. E-mail the results to theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
DAY IN THE LIFE OF MUSTAFA, A RABID ASSASSIN (taken from the body of a dead rabid squirrel)
7.00 pm - Woke up. Assassins mainly work at night you see.
7.01 pm - Checked in bed, under bed, in house, under house for traps. Thought I had found a Pyrenees Death Gherkin, but it turned out to be my packed lunch.
7.02 pm - Rushed off to hospital, it was a Pyrenees Death Gherkin after all. Now have no nose. How do I smell?, I hear you ask.
7.06 pm - Nurse tried to give me an injection, so I ate her. Doctor was unhappy, so I ate him. Went home and had breakfast.
7.11 pm - Got dressed, then thought 'why did I get dressed?, I'm a squirrel!' and got undressed.
7.13 pm - Left house, painted door handle in extra strong glue to capture any intruders.
7.14 pm - Got left earlobe stuck to front door.
7.15 pm - Bit off left ear lobe. Got teeth stuck to door.
7.16 pm - Bit off teeth. Left house, and set off to find target.
9.33 pm - After a long, dull search I have found my target. He is a butcher from Norfolk. Fuzzball wants him dead because of his disgusting orange and green apron.
9.37 pm - Hid in dead cow to observe target.
9.54 pm - Target must have seen me, for he got out a large chopper and sliced up the cow. I am now in 17 different pieces.
9.55 pm - My head just rolled onto the floor. Thought you might like to know that.
10.07 pm - Managed to stick myself back together with extra strong glue.
10.11 pm - Ate butcher and three customers who accidentally fell in my mouth.
11.74 pm - Got home. Postman is stuck to door. Ate him.
11.89 pm - Went to bed. Forgot to check for traps. Man-trap in bed. Ow. Where did I put that glue...
While walking to my next class, I noticed several hundred unusual pod-like objects hanging from several trees. As I watched, they began dropping to the ground, and a horde of rabid squirrels emerged! I was forced to flee (I was unarmed at the time), but I came back later with my hockey stick, and slaughtered about 76 of them. However, this was only a portion of the group that had been spawned from the tree. I took several of the bodies home for analysis, and by placing them in the microwave with a rubber band, I discovered that the squirrels had altered the tree's DNA to produce evil pod-squirrels instead of seed pods. These pod-squirrels appear as normal squirrels, but they are in fact rabid, as they had mauled the physics teacher and several others while I was getting my stick. I blew up the tree with explosive made from two-week-old spaghetti, lighter fluid, and some old chemistry experiments, but I have conducted further searches, and have found at least 2 more infected trees. The problem is, the pods are unrecognisable until shortly before they drop to spawn more squirrels. The only viable solution that I see is to blow up every tree in the area. I am working on making some plutonium from common household products, so I can build tactical nukes, and lay waste to the entire area. Once completed, I will be coordinating with Agent Wetzel to emplace these devices at the sites of infection, in the hope that we can eliminate the pod-squirrels before they spread. When that is done, we will resume our search for the rabid squirrel base that must be somewhere nearby.
Agent Misciasci
I am a fish. This is the regrettable outcome of too many misguided escapades on behalf of the RSS. Allow me too explain, no there is too much, let me sum up - I recently embarked on a more foolhardy than usual mission as part of my duties as head of the elite group of anti squirrel commandos known as "me" - the mission was a simple one, but a very dangerous one. I was to go to deepest, darkest Peru to find a bear named "Paddington", oh no... hang on this isn’t right at all is it... hey! This isn’t fair; I’ve been turned into a fish for nothing! I want my money back!!!
Agent Myself
(undercover, no wait, actually - as a fish)
Being a loyal RSS member I thought to bring more allies into the circle. I wrote the leader of the cows and asked for their military support. I received this reply:
Dear RSS ambassador,
Having had my own problems with rabidity, I know what its like. After considering your offer, I came to the conclusion that your cause is a good one. I am pledging two squadrons of M-00 fighter bombers and one unit of elite marines to your efforts. Please go whup some squirrel @#$
sincerely,
Berter Mcmoo
King of the cow republic
I think we should consider this cow as a serious ally and make good use of his kindly donation.
Agent black x
I find myself in something of a quandary. I recently discovered that one of my teachers is a giant red squirrel and, not only that, but whilst living in Washington DC (USA) she was bitten by a grey squirrel which she suspects may well have been rabid. Now as you can imagine she is now got a strong chance of having rabies, or failing that being a carrier of it. My dilemma is this; do I kill her or not? If I do kill her then myself, and a number of others, will not be able to complete our English literature and/or theatre studies A-levels. But if I do not kill her then she will almost certainly take over the world in an orgy of blood and terror. Should I save mankind or should I get some relevant qualifications? Answers on a postcard please.
On a slightly different note, I have been receiving correspondence from an individual or party claiming to be the rightful heir to the throne of Latvia. You may well wonder what this has to do with a brave group of anti-squirrel freedom fighters (that's us, the RSS by the way) but the aforementioned party claims that they are a rare puce squirrel, a distant relative of the red squirrel and far more endangered. I have taken it upon myself to investigate these outlandish claims and my findings have been striking to say the least. I have discovered not only an entire branch of European royalty of which I had not previously been aware, but a whole new type of squirrel. I visited Austria, where the squirrels are staying - in a very fine hotel incidentally - and found that their claims of puceness where in fact entirely true. I am not sure how this may concern the RSS but I felt it only fair to warn/inform you of these developments.
Big Slayer Mr. Brooks
All is quiet on the lizard front. I believe that the rabids may have decamped elsewhere and gone off to bother somebody else. We have seen nothing of our furry foe these past few weeks and I am beginning to get a little alarmed, either they are amassing their forces somewhere else, or they are trying to lull us into a false sense of security. Which ever the case may be I strongly advise that all agents be on their guard, whether it be to look for huge numbers of squirrels trying to be inconspicuous or to protect lizards who have become complacent and assume that they are not at risk from squirrel attack. As I have said - agents, be on your guard. And any lizards that read this before I speak to them DO NOT GET NONCHALANT!!!
Eponymous Biro - lizard king
I have conducted a preliminary scouting in the area, and have some disturbing results. To the casual observer, there are no rabid squirrels around anywhere. However, many of the normal-looking squirrels around here are unusually fearless and aggressive, especially in a certain sector of woods.
I suspect that the rabid squirrels have a covert base of operations nearby, and are using it to protect and subvert their normal cousins. Or, even worse, pollutants from the nearby river have allowed them to mutate so that they look entirely normal. There have been numerous reports of squirrels launching unprovoked attacks against people, including several publicly written articles on the subject. There is another slayer nearby, and we plan to coordinate our operations to determine the extent of the incursion, and to take whatever action is necessary.
Agent Misciasci
1. You are attacked by a rabid squirrel with a sharpened goat. What do you do?
a) Dodge it.
b) Cook the goat as it approaches, then eat it.
c) Shout 'boo' menacingly.
2. You suspect that there is a rabid squirrel hiding in your house. What do you do?
a) Fill the house with ice-cream, thereby drowning the squirrel as it melts.
b) Destroy your house, and the entire neighbourhood, with dynamite.
c) Charge into your house, knife at the ready.
3. You are being held upside-down from a tree by a rabid squirrel. What do you do?
a) Gnaw at your ankle, releasing yourself when your foot drops off.
b) Gnaw at the squirrel's ankle, releasing yourself its foot drops off.
c) Gnaw at the tree until it collapses, then run off.
Answers (printed in medaeval norwegian to prevent accidental reading)
1. Granskol seven torweno
2. Flinsti lestronomoh dundundi lon
3. Natyor rino ski
Next issue: 25-March-2001
IT'S JUST THE END OF THE WORLD
(c) Rabid Publications