Volume 10 - Issue 2
25-March-2001
The Agents webpage has recently been remade for increased ease of use. Eye would enter through the usual place to access this top-secret section.
About a week after the last Rabid Times was published, I changed the design to this pretty version. Without a doubt it is much better.
Excuse me now, I have a small rabid duck chewing my leg, which I would like to remove before it breaks the skin.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Ten ways to dispose of dead squirrels.
1. Carve the body into an attractive hat/shoe/vase/Christmas
tree ornament etc.
2. Weave a rug out of several squirrels and you will always have a soft and
cosy floor to walk on (until they rot - then it will be squidgy and after that
liquid)
3. Send them to your least favourite person in a letter bomb, when the letter
is open it will shower the receiver in bits of putrefying squirrel flesh.
4. Lash a number of dead squirrels together as a handy raft and carry it with
you at all times in case you are caught in rising water with no means of
escape.
5. Sew several squirrels together and wear them as an attractive and
comfortable scarf to keep those cold winters out.
6. Eat them - tastes like chicken!
7. Burn them on a large funeral pyre as a reminder to other squirrels of what
will become of those who tangle with the RSS.
8. Poison the waterways of your neighbouring town with squirrel cadavers as a
cruel and unnecessary joke.
9. Stuff them full of explosives and then throw them in the bin - the rabid
squirrel raiding parties will find them, carry them home and then eat them, the
unnatural heat of a rabid squirrels stomach will activate the explosive killing
all within an eighteen mile radius (this will of course vary according to the
amount of explosives you use).
10. Spread them across the road as an unusual alternative to speed humps, the
residents of the road you choose might not be happy, but it will provide a
talking point at their dinner parties, so you are doing them all a favour
really.
Big Slayer Mr. Brooks
I am contacting you about the Radio Active Squirrels. I have recently found out that there are many more of them than I had originally thought. I will explain my last mission of infiltration of their base. I disguised myself as a squirrel with some spray paint, a brown dress, and super glue. Upon entering the base, I was surprised by the extreme amount of squirrels there. I was very curious about this, so I asked a random squirrel walking by what was going on. (I spoke to him in RASquirrelese, the official language of the Radio Active Squirrel. I learned the language from a traitor of their kind who is now living with me. Unfortunately, I cannot get him to stop eating small guests.) He looked at me quite weirdly and asked where'd I'd been for the last 4 months (I guess whatever this was had been planned four months ago) so I told him I'd been captured by some small humans and it had taken me a while to get out, then, (to sound more convincing, I added,) I ate the 3 small humans and 2 larger humans. He nodded his head understandingly and told me that Leah the Great (leader of the RASquirrels) was meeting with King Fuzzball (of the Rabid Squirrels) to make it official that the RASquirrels were working with the Rabid Squirrels, and that all of the RASquirrels were here to hear the King's speech. After that, I learned that the RASquirrels had secretly spread throughout the world. They have a population 3 times larger than that of all the world's normal squirrels. After learning this, I quickly left; telling any suspicious squirrels that an alarm had gone off, which meant by house had been broken into, and I needed to go kill who/whatever was in my house (If they asked questions about the alarm, I showed them me pager). Now I warn you. If you see an irregularly large squirrel with a green tail, you must kill it. They are extremely dangerous.
Agent Brittany
I chase about 57 squirrels a day through my backyard, neighbours yard, park, and the big acorn tree and have not seen any more rabid-squirrels. I guess my farm-grown rabid squirrel killing mutant turkey vulture project was a success. I shall continue to use my mutant turkey vultures to rid a section of the east coast of North America. I started out using chickens, but they had many side effects (too darn short and slow), so I turned to the sky. I began mutating vultures and making them aggressive towards rabid squirrels. It proved to be promising, except for the fact that they targeted almost all rodents. I will inform you later with more information.
Agent Sean
Since I haven't seen many rabid squirrels lately I decided to make an attempt to find their nearest fort. This began when I saw a large amount of squirrels running back & forth across my yard from the woods to a tree in my neighbours yard & back into the woods. I thought maybe they were retrieving weaponry from the tree & taking it back into the fort. One squirrel on his way back to the woods stopped in front of my window & stared straight into my eyes. There was something strange about it, when I saw it I didn't feel like fighting rabid squirrels, but joining them instead. I thought perhaps it is some sort of squirrel hypnotist so I closed my eyes & turned away. I decided it would be easier to plant a tracking device on a squirrel to find its hide out rather than to go out searching for it. I remembered we had made rice crispy treats the other day & inside each box there was a free tracking device. So I found the empty box & placed the device inside a rice crispy treat & set it out side for a hungry rabid squirrel. Since there didn't seem to be any more squirrels passing I decided I would wait until tomorrow to check up on the device. That night I had a strange dream. I dreamt that I was friends with the rabid squirrels & I killed every one in my neighbourhood. I woke up in the middle of the night sweating like a mofo. "Did that squirrel do something to me?" I thought. That morning I got up & went to my computer to check up on the device only to find that it wasn't picking up the tracking device anywhere. "Damn piece of shxt. No wonder it was free." I went out side to look at the place I had left it & there it was, sitting on the ground with a fang shoved through it.
Later that day after I found the broken tacking device I kept having strange urges to KILL people & was showing signs of rabies. I thought I might have scratched my finger on the fang I found so I decided to examine my blood on my lab but I found that I could not do this because I kept having urges to drink it. Because of this I decided to go have it done at a hospital. All tests said I did not have rabies, yet I still have these symptoms. I went home & decided I should get some rest & then maybe I would be fine. During a short nap I took I had a dream revealing the precise location of their nearest base. I woke up with an even stronger urge to kill something. I tried to please my compulsions a little by burning ants with a big magnifying glass (which is my favourite pastime any way) >:). I am now about to have myself put into the Moses Cone hospital for the mentally insane. I will give any other reports when I get out.
I have now gotten out of the loony bin. It turns out that I actually WAS hypnotised. Well imagine that. It took only 32 hours of non-stop intense therapy to release me of the horrible spell I was put under. When I got out I had realized I only have two days until the dead line for the new mission. I figured it would be easy to get some rabid squirrels since I now knew where their new fort is. Before I left on my journey I armed myself with my rabid iguana (it isn't actually rabid for reptiles cannot get rabies, it is just wild & will attack any thing it sees. There for I keep it in a steel cage with a cloth over it until needed) & a barrel of monkeys.
The dream I had led me down a train track for about a mile then deep into the woods to the side. After 30 minutes I came upon a ground based fort with two rabid squirrels guarding the door. I came upon it to the side so they did not see me. I had to think of a way to sneak in. I thought for a few minutes & just when I was about to release the iguana I got an idea. I walked up to the front door as if I wall still hypnotised & said MUST-SERVE-RABID-SQUIRRELS. The two guards looked at me, then at each other & opened the door & let me in. I was giggling a little, trying not to laugh out loud at their stupidity. I can't believe that actually worked. When I walked in there was a long empty hallway. At the end there was a stairway leading down, it turns out it was a under ground base. After I walked down I came into an open area with many doors. To my surprise there were no rabid squirrels around I heard some squeeking noises coming from behind one of the door & it kept getting louder. I quickly ran up & stood beside the door against the wall. A rabid squirrel came barging out complaining about something smelling bad & went into one of the other doors with out seeing me. I opened the door he came from & it was a bathroom. I decided I could take care of getting dead bodies while I investigate some more.
I set down the iguana cage in the doorway with the cage door facing inside in bathroom & opened it. The iguana (who I just call iguana) slowly crawled out of the cage & into the bathroom & I then quickly shut the door so that it would not turn around & attack me. I then went to go find out how they had hypnotised me. I put my ear up against every door & went into the one that I didn't hear any squeeking behind. It was a library! This surprised me because I didn't know that rabid squirrels like to read. There was a table in the middle with a couple of books on it. One of the books was called 'The quick & easy guide to hypnotism'. It was from the 'Things You Never Knew Existed' catalogue. I remembered that catalogue; I never thought any thing in it was for real though. The second book was called 'Hypnotise your friends for fun!'. It was also from the same catalogue. By this time I had heard a few screams from the bathroom. I decided I had better get rid of these books. I took them & peeked out the door to see if any squirrels were around. There was one walking into the bathroom. Hehehe. After I heard the scream I walked out & slowly opened the door. There was the iguana just sitting there surrounded by squirrel corpses. It will attack any thing but it only eats bugs & fruits. I placed the cage in the doorway & dropped a praying mantis in it to lure over iguana. It walked over & crawled into the cage & started munching on the mantis. I then closed the cage door & put the cloth over the cage.
Now for the dead bodies. I started gathering them all up & putting them in my bag. There were 7 in all. After the bodies were in the bag I flushed the books down the toilet. Just then another squirrel had walked in to use the crapper & spotted me. I tried to act like I was still hypnotised again & said MUST-SERVE-RABID-SQUIRRELS-CLEANING-TOILETS. But it saw one of the bloody arms hanging out of the bag & ran back into the room it came from. Knowing that it went back to inform the other squirrels of what it saw I ran out of the bath room & back up the stairs & out the front door. On my way out I yelled MUST-RUN-FROM-RABID-SQUIRRELS! The guards started shooting at me so I threw two monkeys from my barrel of moneys there way like ninja stars. They got one in the head & they other in the chest. I kept running until I got to the train tracks. Luckily for me there was a train going by! I hopped on the side & started to hitch a ride. I looked back to see that there were dozens of rabid squirrels running after the train. I emptied two entire barrels of monkeys into them & stopped them dead in their tracks, although I doubt they were actually dead. I will come back later to find out.
Finally, out of that mess. Instead of riding the train back home I decided to take it all the way to my temple. The location of my temple is secret & not even any squirrels know where it is. I thought it would be better to go there than back to my home where they would expect me to be. Once I got inside I started my testing for good things to do with dead bodies. I stuffed one & found it could be used as a decoy. I set it in a threatening position (I learned how to do this because my uncle is a taxidermist). I skinned four of them & made a lovely pair of leather gloves that I will use while fighting rabid squirrels from now on. I only have two left now so I must think of something really useful to do with them. I tried bringing one back to life by sticking two 9-volt batteries in its neck but that didn't work. In all my frustration of what to do with these I severely beat one & discovered that they can be used as stress relievers. But this is my most amazing discovery. I found that if you stuff a dead rabid squirrel body with liquorish or liquorish flavoured twizlers, then leave it out side for any other rabid squirrel to eat, then it will turn the squirrels faecal matter a bright, glowing green. In doing this you can find out where rabid squirrels have been & perhaps follow a trail of bright green faeces to find there fort. I hope this information could be of any use to you or any other slayers.
Big Slayer Jerro
SQUIRREL DISPOSAL
I have found some useful suggestions for your collection of dead
squirrels.
1. You could skin one, clean it really well and make a hat out of it.
2. If you get really cold in the winter you could spray the pile with
very powerful air freshener and use the heat to keep warm.
3. You could also use them for target practice for new recruits.
4. You could clean them out, wash them, and have a travelling puppet
show.
Agent Aaron Sexton
DROP FOUR
Army Squirrels Date: March 13,2001 Place: Outside
It was a rainy day... perfect for digging a trench for my GI Joes. I was done digging and placed one GI Joe down when it started to rain too much. I went inside and decided I would go out and set the toys up tomorrow. The next day I was ready to go out... I had my GI Joes in both hands and I turned the corner and there were five rabid squirrels sitting in the trench I had dug the night before. The GI Joe in the trench was mutilated. I nearly shouted but noticed they were asleep so I covered my mouth with my hand causing myself to drop four GI Joes waking up the rabids anyway. They spotted me and pulled out an acorn grenade. I thought quickly and grabbed my trusty shovel that was leaning against my house wall. I quickly smashed them all but the grenade blew up. I was barely injured but the squirrels were demolished. I was lucky this time, but now I always bring a shovel with me when I trek out of the safe walls of my home.
Agent Weasel
'Twas the night before 14th March, and all through the RSS
Headquarters, not a creature was stirring, even a mouse. Except for Agent
Double Oh'Leary, who was making a cup of tea (just for a change). The Magic
Carrot was also restless, hopping up and down on the Master Hunter's head. It
was time for its hourly walk, an appointment not to be taken lightly - if the
Magic Carrot didn't have its walk then it would get violent, and that's not a
pretty sight.
Mr. Brooks offered to exercise the Magic Carrot, but before he could get up, a
young, excitable man called Smith had grabbed the Carrot's collar.
"I'll do it" he said.
Now Smith was not an important agent. You could say he was 'expendable' for the
purposes of this story. If this was star trek then Smith would be the one in
the away team wearing red. He was almost certainly going to die.
The Magic Carrot dragged Smith out of the bunker, and into an open field. The
night was still, and the field appeared empty. Then the Magic Carrot started
growling, and Smith noticed something in the distance.
"What the hell is that?"
Out of nowhere, something huge had appeared and was charging towards the slayer
at immense speed. The agent and carrot stood, trying to work out what the
charging mass, heading straight for them, was.
"Bloody hell!" shouted Smith. "It's a [1] Suspiciously Large Chemistry Teacher, and he's heading
right for us, what are we to do?!" The magic carrot however knew exactly
what must be done - he proffered Smith as a sacrifice to the Suspiciously Large
Chemistry Teacher and then ran as fast as his lack of legs could carry him back
to the HQ to fetch the heroic messrs Brooks 00'Leary and Master Hunter -
unfortunately his plan didn't go to plan - he got back to HQ and found that
00'Leary had gone insane and attacked Mr Brooks and The Master with scalding
hot tea, the Suspiciously Large Chemistry Teacher was, by this stage sniffing
around outside the door, letting out blood curdling howls and baying for more
blood, then just as suddenly as if it had vanished, the Suspiciously Large
Chemistry Teacher vanished. The door burst open, and there framed against some
dramatic weather conditions was the mutilated from of Smith - who claimed he
was still alive and then launched himself at [2] the wall. In a panic, Smith believed the wall looked
like a fairly nice place to collect his wits. Unfortunately, his wits were
knocked entirely out of him for the moment. Mr. Brooks and The Master Hunter
looked at each other, shaking their heads. Obviously, Smith needed attention.
Unfortunately, since this is not Star Trek, they didn't have any dermal
regenerators or any such thing, so instead, they decided to try something
experimental. They grabbed a [3]
giant turkey and... [4][5][6] wondered
why agent 00'Leary had left the aforementioned giant turkey lying around, so
they put it down again, choosing instead to opt for the heeling powers of
salbutamol, which they rushed out and extracted from a nearby willow tree, they
ran off to find Suspiciously Large Chemistry Teacher to try to heal him with said
heeling properties, they had run for approximately 239 miles when they thought
that perhaps it was Smith they should be nursing back to health, they thought
it best to return to HQ and help him. They whistled for a cab and when it came
near the licence plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror, if
anything they could say that this cab was rare, but they thought 'nah, forget
it'... [7]
The taxi approached the group, but did not slow down as it reached them...
instead it slammed into the crowd at immense speed. They all managed to get out
of the way, but the magic carrot was slightly diced.
The Master Hunter looked up to see that at the wheel of the taxi was no
ordinary taxi driver. It was [8]
a big disgusting mutated kamikazi cross-clan rabid squirrel packing an uzi and
with the finger of his extra hand on the trigger of a thermonuclear warhead.
"Now you die, Master Hunter," cried the squirrel in a high, squeeky,
annoying voice.
He pressed the button and a thunderous "boom" was heard. Actually, it
was more like a pathetic "vzt" as the circuitry fizzled and burned
out. [9] 00'Leary poked the
mutant squirrel with a pointy stick and it popped like a bubble on a pointy
stick. "Ewwww!," exclamed the Master Hunter. They drove the cab back
to headquarters and used the healing powers of the sulbutamol on Smith. Then
something very odd happened... Smith began to mutate and become [10] very annoyed at having been left alone
so long. Smith yelled " [11]
Funk master Flex rules the world and all those who say otherwise will be handed
over to brutal men who will spread their blood across the land and all will
know what becomes of the unbelievers!" [12] he then added, as if as an afterthought, "for I am the
horse and you will know I have spoken". The master hunter then became
angered and replied in a voice of nothing short of malice and with a steely
glint in his eye " you say you are the Horse? Well hear this horse for I
am the Whisperer and I do not take to idle threats with an open spirit - to those
who follow the Funk master I say this - The men to which i will give you are
more brutal than your tiny minds an encompass and they will not only spread
your blood across the land, but across the skies and throughout the seas as
well, and none will know what becomes of those who do not comply because there
will be none left to speak the name of Funk master Flex!!! For I am the
Whisperer and you know I have spoken" [13]
Smith went quiet at this point, and lay on his back on the floor. He started
shaking, and held his stomach with both hands. Then [it is vital you jump at
this point] a rabid squirrel burst through Smiths chest, killing him instantly
and spraying his blood around the room. The rabid squirrel laughed, washed
itself, then scuttled off at incredible speed.
The rabid squirrel must have been impregnated in Smiths body when he was alone
at some point. The RSS leaders pondered this thought for a second, then all
came to the same conclusion: the Suspiciously Large Chemistry Teacher must be
the queen of this rabid colony.
"It must be stopped" said Mr. Brooks.
"We shall hunt it down" said the Master Hunter.
"I want more tea" said 00'Leary.
[14]
The story continues: http://members.sitegadgets.com/chriswatling/story.html
I know ignorance prevails and your site proves just that. Why don't you stupid people stop telling stupid stories and leave nature alone? Your site is disgusting, cruel and heartless. I hope people like you suffer and pay for your cruelty. You encourage cruelty to animals. Think about how ignorant that is and take this idiotic site off the web.
Anonymous
Next issue: 09-April-2001
PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND YOU
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