Volume 10 - Issue 3 – Easter Special
09-April-2001
"Nice shot, sah!"
"Why thank you, Agent
Multitool. I'm sure you can beat it."
Multitool grabbed the sniper rifle
from the Master Hunter, and took aim.
"What're our plans for today,
Master? Any daring raids? Any top secret, underground operations? Any
ferocious, overlong battles?"
The Master Hunter paused while
Multitool took his shot. It was a direct hit.
"Well, I thought we'd test
out this new type of toast I've invented,” said The Master Hunter, taking back
the rifle. "You can put the marge on before you toast it!"
"Oh, great!" replied
Multitool. "And excellent shooting, by the way."
"You're welcome. I think
perhaps we should stop now. It looks like he's getting bored."
Indeed, at this moment Agent
00'Leary approached the pair, looking worn and battered. He was wearing a rabid
squirrel costume.
"I don't know why you can't
just shoot the real thing,” he muttered, turning his back to the sun and
revealing several ragged bullet holes.
The Master Hunter smiled.
"Ah, you know how exhausting that is. Anyway, this is good practice. You
should maybe run around a touch more next time though, that was getting too
easy."
"You should try running
around when you've just been shot fifteen times!" cried 00'Leary bitterly.
"Ok" said the Master
Hunter, and promptly shot himself fifteen times, and then ran a short marathon.
He returned 3 hours 36 minutes later.
"Alright, point taken,"
00'Leary resigned.
---
Back at Slayer Headquarters, Mr.
Brooks was hallucinating.
"Aaargh!" he shouted as
he saw himself treading on another small lizard. The lizards, thought to be
hooded skinks, covered every surface of the room.
'I know, I'll attempt to eat one,'
Mr. Brooks thought during an unusual logical insight. 'Then, when I bite my
tongue, I'll realise that the lizards aren't real.'
00'Leary and the Master Hunter
were walking back to base (Multitool had been eaten by the infamous diseased
cows of England). They heard an unusually loud scream, followed by "fummin
ell, my tomg!”
"That came from HQ,” observed
00'Leary. "We'd better hurry."
---
Fear me. Fear me.
"What on earth was
that?"
"That's just the crazed
duck."
"How d'you know that?"
"I've read on a bit. A
subplot, I believe."
"Oh, right."
Fear me. Fear me.
---
The two slayers reached base just
in time. Mr. Brooks was buried under a sea of skinks. The lizards oozed out of
every corner of the bunker. They swarmed over the computers, blocked doorways,
and (to everyone’s disgust) had eaten the Agents packed lunches.
00'Leary dived in and pulled Mr.
Brooks to a standing position. Mr. Brooks looked shocked, but soon recovered.
"I'll go and make us some
tea,” said 00'Leary casually.
"And then maybe we can figure
out the origin of these lizards" said Mr. Brooks.
"I can do that right
away!" said the Master Hunter triumphantly. "I'm looking after them
for a friend, the Lizard King. I didn't know they were arriving this morning,
but here they are!"
Mr. Brooks frowned. "Well I
can't live like this," he said. "I'm off to get some lizard
repellent."
He left the room.
3½ seconds later, Agent Myself
entered, wearing half an emu egg on his head.
"Greetings my pedigree
chums!" he said.
The Master Hunter opened his mouth
to ask about the egg, but then thought better of it. 00'Leary returned with the
tea.
"I couldn't find the
teabags," he said, "so I used lizards instead. He passed the cups
around.
"Right, I'm gonna go an' test
out this egg. Seeya" spoke Myself.
He left the room, two puzzled
looks following him.
4¾ seconds later, Agent Mr. Brooks
returned.
"Did you get the lizard
repellent?" asked the Master Hunter.
"What?" said Mr. Brooks.
"You went out to get some
lizard repellent. Did you get any?"
"Oh, yes. Er, no. I didn't.
Why's my tea wriggling?"
"No teabags."
"It makes sense. Anyway,
there're a couple of rabids south-south-east of here."
"Really? How far?"
"About ten metres."
"Did they see you?"
"No."
"00'Leary, call for backup.
Mr. Brooks, release the Magic Carrot. Myself, er, where's Myself? Never mind,
let's get them!"
With this, the Master Hunter
grabbed a handful of lizards (he was attempting to take weapons, but the
cupboard was buried under skinks) and handed them out to his agents. "Use
them wisely. Now go!"
The three men (and one enraged
carrot) surfaced from their underground bunker.
---
Quack. Quack.
---
And so the battle began. I say
battle, but initially it seemed more like a skirmish. The three agents charged
out, dug a small trench, and then turned to engage the rabid squirrels, only to
find that the Magic Carrot had dispatched them already in an impressive aerial
move.
"It's good, that
carrot," said Mr. Brooks. The Magic Carrot dashed off into a nearby
forest. "I'll go and catch it." He too dashed off into the forest.
The agents enjoyed a rare few
seconds of silence. Then:
"Sorry I'm late,
mateys". It was agent Myself, approaching them from behind. "Have I
missed anything?"
The Master Hunter turned to him.
"Apparently not. There seem to be a few more rabids leaping down from that
tree ahead. --- Why are you wearing a skirt, Myself?"
"It's a disguise. The rabid
squirrels won't attack an unarmed woman."
"I might," muttered
00'Leary.
They turned back to the rabids,
thirty-seven of the monsters swarming towards them. The rabid squirrels were
all exceptionally large and muscular, with huge, sharp front teeth. The Master
Hunter shuddered at the sight of 76 cold, red eyes glaring at him. Then he
loaded his lizard, stood up, and shot the nearest squirrel. The other two
slayers followed his example. The rabids were now charging towards them, teeth
barred.
While a lone rabid squirrel will
usually shoot its opponent from the safety of a tree, a mob like this will be
unable to resist tearing its opponent into little pieces up close. Now, with seven
of their number dead on the grass, the rabid squirrels reached the agents. The
Master Hunter and 00'Leary drew their swords and stood back to back. Agent
Myself ran off, terrified.
---
Pass me my teeth...
---
Just as 00'Leary had passed out,
and the Master Hunter had had his head cut off, help arrived. Mr. Brooks had
returned, carrotless, but with back up in the form of Agents Jerro, Weasel, Eponymous
Biro (the lizard king), Misciasci, Morris and Dr.
Ellz.
This mighty group quickly despatched the remaining squirrels (who were boxing in a corner) and then revived the slayers.
"Hurray we won!" said
the Master Hunter. "All of you, come back to headquarters for a cup of
tea."
And so they did.
---
"So, now that this is all
over, I just have a few questions for you. Number one: Eponymous Biro, how long will we be keeping your lizards? They've started
eating the carpet."
Eponymous Biro replied; "Oh,
just another week. These particular lizards are extremely rare, I'm keeping
them here, where they are nice and safe, until my base is no longer under
attack."
00'Leary nodded, then subtly moved
the teacups behind his back.
The Master Hunter continued.
"Fine. Question number two:
why are Mr. Brooks and Myself never in the same place at the same time?"
"Well, you see..." began
Myself, who had run in a few seconds ago. "Well..."
He ran back out of the room. Mr.
Brooks entered shortly after.
"No reason" he said.
"Ok," said the Master
Hunter suspiciously. "And my final question: where did that duck come
from?"
He pointed into an armchair along
the back wall of the room. In the chair sat a duck with large teeth and glowing
red eyes.
I am the duck, it
said.
"Would you like a cup of tea,
duck?" asked 00'Leary.
No.
"Well, I'm glad that has all
been sorted," said the Master Hunter. "Now, let's watch some
TV."
-The Master Hunter
Next issue: 18-April-2001
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