September 2001 – Issue
XLVI
A SQUIRREL’S TALE
The latest news from the land of the rabid squirrels: well, what can I say? There isn’t really a great deal going on at the moment. The website has had a few new features added (the game will definitely arrive mid-September), but otherwise life is quiet. Must be the summer holidays, or something. Hithernow, I’ll be brief.
The Master Hunter
E-Mail: theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Website: http://www.rabidsquirrels.co.uk/
Wapsite: http://tagtag.com/rabid
SYNTHETIC BAGGAGE
I am glad to have found you at last; my companions and I live on the Southern pointy arm of the country and have been under siege now for sometime. There are huge populations of Rabid squirrels on all sides of us, as the city in which we live is surrounded by forest, our only way out is by the sea, but the foul creatures see to it that we never wish to venture in to it by pumping it full of noxious waste.
We are being used as test targets for Merys’ new and most diabolical weapons, plastic bags of doom! It may sound far-fetched but if you look closely you will see how cunning a plastic bag can be.
We have suffered many instances of attack from killer plastic bags, when camping, when out scouting for Rabid squirrels; but the worst was an attack through an open window of a moving car. We have found a few different ways of subduing these unnatural terrors, filling them with many cans of baked beans is always a good way of ensuring they can’t jump you unawares. Filling one with as many of its brethren as you can and leaving it in a dark cupboard is another. If attacked in the wild however, staking to the ground with anything sharp and pointy always does the trick.
I know there will still be unbelievers out there, but all you have to do to see just how bloodthirsty they can be is carefully take hold of one and look for the words “Keep away from Children”. Yes these creatures will attack helpless children if given the chance, they are a threat not to be underestimated. So I ask you Master Hunter, can you help us? If you can you will have a small yet well-trained Rabid Squirrel termination unit in the South West. We will do our best to clear this peninsular of all of the Evil minions of King Fuzzball we come across. Thank you for your time.
Budo Bear
THE ASSASSINS EPISODE 3
The sky
turned black. Then pink, but more emphasis was put on the black as it is, on the
whole, a more horrifying colour. From the sky fell frogs. A reign of frogs,
raining from the sky.
The
daftly Agent Myself ran from the scene in terrified terror, and dodged under a
large tortoise. He was never seen again.
Tuesday
and I were startled, and, out of character - we were slow to react. The frogs
were huge. They were also startled, but were making the most of a bad situation
by eating anything they landed on. A lamppost was first to go, followed by a
distressed pigeon and the remains of our picnic. Then my companion
Tuesday.
“Nooooooo!” cried Tuesday as he was taken
into the jaws of a falling frog. Then, realising he was still only half eaten,
“Nooooooo!” he cried again. This went on for half an hour. I was helpless to
help, and could do nothing but watch, and make the popcorn to make the watching
more enjoyable. With a final “Noooeeurgh!”, Tuesday was sucked
inside.
I was
alone, lost and had neither company nor direction of which to head. Employing my
distressed brain, I decided to follow the frog. It ribbited off, and I after
it.
Continued next issue.
Taken from ‘The Writings of Mustafa (and Tuesday)’.
COW
UPDATE
The
ground units have successfully routed all of the rabid squirrels in the
Vancouver area by setting a trap at a local blood, infecting the captors with a
fatal and highly contagious (for rabid squirrels) virus (the formula is
this: saltwater, pesticide, battery acid, and red wine) and then letting them go
again. I am not sure whether this works on all squirrels, or just the Canada
blacks.
The
airborne units were flying reconnaissance over Seattle, when several
missiles shot up and destroyed all but one. This one circled around and
destroyed the missile launcher, but several squirrels were seen running away
from the explosion.
Angry
Trapper Flit_Flit
THE GHOST OF SQUIRREL PAST
Recently I killed a rabid squirrel that was bothering my community. The squirrel put up a good fight, but in the end I came out victorious. I had the squirrel stuffed and placed it above my fireplace as a trophy.
One night I awoke from my sleep and I heard noises coming from my living room where the fireplace is. I picked up my gun and slowly made my way down to the living room. When I got there I saw a horrible site: two rabid squirrels were tearing apart my trophy! And out of the trophy came the ghost of the squirrel that I had slain! The two living squirrels started talking to it in their own language, then suddenly the ghost squirrel saw me and started yelling some thing. The two squirrels started foaming at the mouths and then ran off, the ghost squirrel also disappeared.
About three months passed and I thought everything was fine, until one day about a week ago I got news that a family in my town had been killed by the squirrels! I had heard about squirrels slaughtering groups of people, but never an entire family! I mean, these people had little kids with them and even a grandmother! It was horrible, I knew something strange was going on but I couldn’t tell what. Just as a precaution I got out all of my weapons and got ready for a fight. I was right, the next day three more families were dead. This was unheard of; every one in the town was moved into one house for safety.
We were in there for about three days, and then it happened. As if from nowhere a horde of squirrels attacked the town, killing everything in their path. The carnage here is huge! Hundreds of families have suffered losses. I'm writing this from the last computer in the town, I only hope that I can send this out before the squirrels knaw through the power lines. I need back up. There are thousands of squirrels here, killing people by the minute. Help! Don’t bother responding to this email, just help!!
Agent Z
FLIPPIN’ SQUIRRELS
Yeah! I won a battle
against the rabid squirrels! Stray and I attacked the base nine miles southwest
of south city. We had a yearning to test the new technology we had invented (the
Realplayer file will be in the Gallery sometime). Stray had thought of it and I
built it. After the first onslaught we saw the device was entirely anti-rabid
squirrel. We took the toll of 376 rabid squirrels and then destroyed much more
using the Trap-Around-Dead-Bodies tactic. So a great many squirrels have died
today. I only lost 30 troops (all kamikaze-cats). I am also still working
on negotiations to stop the eating of our small allies. Well I have to go I am
still being hunted by the remnants of the Rabid Squirrel Army.
Angry Trapper Squall
Majere
ARMY OF DARKNESS
Apologies for the distance of time between now and the last update. It has been hectic. Now we have to fight the rabid squirrels from one side, and the Lizard King from the other side. It was a tribulation getting to this place to send this message. Things really aren't going good. Rabid squirrels have rabidized all kinds of house pets. Dogs, cats, iguanas, pot bellied pigs, boa constrictors, fancy mice, you name it, they have rabidized it. The fighting is fierce. Even with our newly acquired Vulcan cannons with their ability to spew 6800 rounds a minute into on-coming enemy forces, they still advance on us. I am requesting the use of nuclear arms. Please send us some help.
Angry Trapper Klein Baen
P.S. Please hurry
they are comi <end transmission>
ADD A RABID
LINE STORY parte
three of foure
And so, the rabid squirrels had developed a new weapon. When fired on living creatures, it stole their socks (so that's why I can never find any). When fired on inanimate inanimacies, it enlarges them to a great size, then they explode. This new device was called [74] the can opener. [75] But not merely the can opener - already the scourge of many generations - but this new terrible device is called the Can Opener De-Luxe!!! [76]
Now the agents of the RSS knew the truth behind the occurrences of the previous few days, they knew that they must get themselves a Can Opener De-Luxe. They sent Special Agent Myself out to buy one and settled down to relax for a while. When they had a Can Opener De-Luxe they could take it apart and work out how it worked. Then they could steal the squirrels’ socks to their hearts content. The agents were pondering this when they were suddenly and unanimously hit by the same thought: The Can Opener would be useless, the squirrels [77] had no socks!!! [78]
Using intense cunning and extreme knitting skills, the agents began to manufacture pairs of squirrel socks as quickly as possible [79] and within the week they were delivering them to the squirrels, dressed as postmen so as not to arouse suspicion, and a few short minutes later the squirrels were all kitted out with brand new socks. It was time for the Can Opener De-Luxe to go to work… [80]
In the dead of night Mr. Brooks, and 00'Leary crept towards the nearest known Rabid base, with the intention of utilising the Can Opener. They arrived as the bell tolled one. 00'Leary got to work on one of the window catches, to gain entry into the building, while Mr. Brooks stood guard. After about fifteen minutes and some mild swearing they changed roles as 00'Leary was clearly getting nowhere with the window. In the end Mr. Brooks smashed the window using the camping stove 00'Leary had brought with him, but silencing it with the pelt of an arctic fox, that he had in his pocket - just in case.
The two saboteurs crept through the jagged orifice, 00’Leary scratching himself quite badly in the process, and entered the lair of the squirrels. Mr. Brooks, using skills taught to him by Special Agent Myself, sidled along the wall towards the main dormitory of the base, whilst 00’Leary went in search of the complex where the leaders would be – probably up on an all-nighter, trying to work out a particularly dastardly use for their Can Opener. 00’Leary reached his target first – the local leaders were, indeed up on an all-nighter, trying to work out a particularly dastardly use for their Can Opener, and he de-socked them instantly, leaving them writhing, helpless, on the floor. 00’Leary then set to searching through the paper work to see if he could find the key to the location of the true Rabid HQ, so he could destroy Fuzzball himself!
Mr. Brooks meanwhile, had completed his task with ease akin to that of 00’Leary’s and was trying to meet up with his fellow infiltrator. He had searched everywhere he could think of except the kitchens, in his hunt for the control room, and consequently 00’Leary, and was setting off in the direction of the said kitchens – he knew the lay out of the base well, Myself had told him all about it, but Myself had never managed to find the control room – Mr. Brooks rounded a likely looking corner and was horrified to find himself face to face with [81] Ghaleon, who was sent in by the FBI to make sure Mr. Brooks and 00'Leary got through safely. [83]
"What on Earth are you doing here?" asked Mr. Brooks.
"I
was sent in by the FBI to make sure Mr. Brooks and 00'Leary got through safely"
replied Ghaleon.
"How do the FBI know what's going on?" asked Mr.
Brooks.
"I told them"
"Why?"
"So they'd send me in to make sure you got
out safely. Otherwise I would have missed out on all the action."
"I see.
Erm...so what happens now?"
"We kick arse. Or at least steal
socks."
"T'riffic. Where's 00'Leary?"
"I thought you had
him."
"No"
"Oh. Then he must be elsewhere. We must locate him immediately
and ensure his safety."
"Right".
So the intrepid agents set off towards a nasty grating sound that they assumed, correctly, must be 00'Leary singing in triumph at his handiwork. After a mere ten minutes the three of them were outside the squirrel base, their mission complete. They were just wondering whether or not it was safe to relax when 00'Leary uttered those words so fatal in these situations - he said, "I don't like it, it's too quiet" and just then [84] from the conveniently placed bushes leapt the Strawberry Ice-Cream flavoured monster.
"Ha, soldiers of furniture! I have you now" said he.
"What?" replied the befuddled agents.
"Ha, shoulders of fortune! I have you now".
"Nope, still not right"
They thought about it for a while, "Ooh," said 00'Leary suddenly, "I think I know it - he means soldiers of fortune!"
"Yes, that's right," said the monster, "anyway, my point was this: you are doomed, I have you now and you shall forever more listen to Ricky Martin songs until your heads explode."
"Our heads?" said Ghaleon sceptically, "We've only got the one each you know".
"I quite like Ricky Martin," said Mr. Brooks. The others looked at him derisively.
"Alright then," conceded the monster "Gloria Gaynor", but Mr. Brooks was a fan, "The Weathergirls?", still no luck, "The Supremes?", but 00'Leary was a fan of them. It looked like the Strawberry Ice Cream flavoured monster would never manage to capture the agents, but then he hit upon a group which there was no possibility of anyone, anywhere, ever liking - N-Sync!!!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" went up the cry from the agents as they were taken away to their N-Sync hell. They were, it seemed, doomed. But for one man they would have been - they were to be saved by [85] me, Brian Perkins. [86]
"I eat N-Sync for breakfast!" he exclaimed in his Radio 4 News Reader style. He dropped the mike, then proceeded to engorge not only the aforementioned metal band, but also the Strawberry Ice Cream flavoured monster itself (it had to happen sooner or later). The Strawberry Ice Cream flavoured monster shouted out "[87] I am not a number! I am a free monster!" [88] and Brian Perkins consumed him all, including the spiky bits and the quills, and exclaimed in a loud, clear voice that drifted out across the early morning mists, for the agents had been up all night, the scoundrels, "Mmmm, tastes like Strawberry Ice Cream".
As Brian Perkins was washing down his pre-breakfast monster snack with some magma (he's hard that man, double hard), there came a rumbling from 00'Leary - he was either hungry for his Weetabix, or [89] he was infested by rumblemites!! Just to be on the safe side Brian Perkins shot him twice with his new mint-flavoured gun (for minty fresh death).
"Brian Perkins!" exclaimed Mr. Brooks, "why did you just shoot 00'Leary twice?!". Brian Perkins replied "I shot him to be on the safe side, you never know with these rumblemites, and I shot him twice to give that doublemint edge to his death, Doublemint - refreshes your death, naturally".
So the agents carried their stricken comrade back to base and
settled down to wait for the Master Hunter to get home so they could tell him
how it went.
00’Leary meanwhile, festered quietly on the table, where they
had put him. [90]
Some time later the Master Hunter walked in. The audience cheered as he greeted the household - "Honeys, I'm home", he then tripped over on an intricate disguise that Special Agent Myself had left lying on the floor. Laughter from the audience. "What is this audience doing here?" demanded the Master Hunter, as he hung up his hat and coat, "And why am I wearing a hat?".
The agents shifted uneasily in their seats - their shifting was of an uneasy nature because the infested 00'Leary beast had nailed them to their chairs. The Master Hunter noticed this and was intrigued "I am somewhat intrigued by the fact that you have been nailed to your chairs" he told them "And where is 00'Leary? By the way, how did the mission go?". But he wasn't told as at that moment [91] he noticed that his hat had been nailed to his head.
"That's highly illogical," he said, sure that he had just
removed the offending noggin garment. He made to approach the agents, but his
feet were nailed to the floor.
"Hmmm," he thought. "00'Leary missing,
invisible creature nailing things. The only reasonable conclusion to leap to is
[92] the rabid squirrels must be
teaming up with the suicidal cows, therefore [93] the special squirrel slaughterers
(sss) had to be called to the rescue. [94]
Just then the band Hanson walked in. "Please, you have to help us!" they cried. "The rabid squirrels have eaten our dog!" Everyone merely scowled at the band, then leapt at them, tearing them limb form limb. "Why does this always happen to us?" they cried, before their legs were ripped off. "Maybe it's because [95] we’re a load of crap!"
"Doesn't any one like us?" [silence] then suddenly [96], as suddenly as they had arrived
they disappeared in a puff of smoke. Then in walked a small dog, asking whether
anyone had seen his Hanson anywhere. The agents claimed they hadn't and got back
to the more pressing and immediate problem of un-nailing themselves from various
items, and finding out what exactly had happened to 00'Leary to make all this
happen. [97]
Rumblemites.
They had been the cause of mutation for so many previous agents, and each one
had died horribly shortly after infestation. Were the Slayers about to lose
00'Leary?
Borrowing Mr. Brooks' crocodile shaped bottle opener, the Master
Hunter managed to prise the floorboards from his floor. He had become quite
attached to them.
Myself giggled at his leader’s comical appearance, and
reminded the Master of that time when he had a lettuce stuck on his shoe. The
rest of the gang unprised themselves and then set out to destroy the rumblemite
colony. But where was it? [98]
Just as the agents were contemplating this, Brian Perkins
emitted a rumble. Of course - the rumblemites would inhabit the safest place
they could find - Brian Perkins. No one could get past this tough dude (yes, he
can even pull off the word dude).
Obviously the rumblemite lair needed
destroying. To do this, Mr. Brooks picked up Brian and [99] yelled to the Master Hunter "Go
long!", then he threw Brian Perkins the length of the HQ, and waited expectantly
for the return throw, when it came he deftly caught the flying Brian and ran out
of the door with him - Mr. Brooks needed to find a large amount of concrete and
a disused mineshaft [100] which
surprisingly he found for a free gift in his packet of Kelloggs. He pulled it
out and proclaimed, [101] "I
thank thee for thy gifts, Mr Kelloggs." It was then a simple matter to cover
Brian Perkins in a large amount of concrete. That should stop the
rumblemites!
Meanwhile, Carol Smiley had turned up to restore the
disused mineshaft. The Master Hunter had requested it as a pleasant surprise for
Mr. Brooks. But of all the colours in the world, she chose to paint the
mineshaft [104] coal black,
which seeing as the mine was one of coal this wasn't, with the advantage of
hindsight, the best plan in the world. Carol Smiley then seized a paint roller
and proceeded to run amok with it, seriously injuring [105] Mr. Brooks, who was trying to
deposit the cemented Brian Perkins in the mineshaft at the time. [106]
Once again, Ghaleon walks in, uses the power of the White Dragon to heal Mr. Brooks, and momentarily Petrifies Carol Smiley. He then tells the RSS Agents that the CIA is sending in normal idiots to kill the rumblemites, and how they will have to stop them. He also tells them about how the US Government want the RSS to stay out of their way. Ghaleon then tells them how to get past the MPs posted around the area, so they will not fail mission parameters. He then equips all of them each with a katana, an MP-5, High-Impact Kevlar, two Glock-18s, several throwing knives, Mark-79 grenade launcher, various magic spells, and injects into their brains all the martial arts fighting moves they will need. [107] Beware the Jabberwock, my son; the jaws that bite, the teeth that catch. Beware the Jub Jub bird and shun the frumous Bandersnatch!!! [108]
The story continues: http://members.sitegadgets.com/Mr.Brooks/story.html
“WITH TEETH LIKE THAT, YOU
HAVE A PROSPEROUS FUTURE AS A CAN OPENER.”
(c) 2001 Rabid
Publications