Christmas 2001 – Issue XLVIII
LORD OF THE RODENTS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SQUIRREL
Time. It comes, it goes, it
flies, it flows. Then it stops.
37,000 years of wanderlust,
According to the trees this is
unjust,
37,000 years of burning wood,
According to the people this is
all good,
27,000 days of yearning,
According to the mice we should
be learning.
The end of then is Now.
The End of now is them.
Livid.
The night is upon
us
or are we upon
the night
?
-Taken from ‘Poetic Hopscotch’ by Mr. Brooks and The Master Hunter
In other words, and in case you did not follow the abstractness of the above, the Rabid Squirrel Slayers and Rabid Times are temporarily shutting down. The website, forum, and story will still be available, as will some past issues. But there will be no more additions until Summer 2002.
I’ll be back.
The Master Hunter
E-Mail: themaster@maneater.co.uk (at your own risk)
Website: http://www.rabidsquirrels.co.uk/
Wapsite: http://tagtag.com/rabid
EVIL MYSELF: EPISODE 2 by Mr. Brooks
MIND THE SQUIRRELS by Agent Misciasci
THE ASSASSINS: EPISODE 5 by the Master Hunter
TESTING TIMES by Agents Andrea and Alison
UN GRAND 'AMSTER by Agent KC Smartpig
THE BEST OF GREEN HAZE by Agent cRazy romancEr
THE ATTACK OF THE RABID SQUIRRELS OF DOOM by Agent Jared
GREEN KETCHUP; WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE by Agent Z3r0
SWORDS AND SWORDSMEN by Mr. Brooks
Mr. Brooks supped down the nourishing coffee brought to him by a shaken 00'Leary, and began to tell his tale:
"Myself and myself were experimenting in Ellz's lab, trying to find a more potent form of scathing wit to use in our never ending battle against the foe, when all of a sudden there was a flash of chemistry and a terrible smell pervaded the room. I threw myself behind a bench to avoid becoming intoxicated by this intoxicant, but Myself was not so fast or sensible, he inhaled deeply, exclaiming 'Mmm. Smells like Chicken'. There followed several moments of silence, succeeded by a guttural grunting sound, such as that of a pig that had been steeped in culture. I risked a look above the bench to see what had become of Myself and the sight that met my eyes chilled me to the bone. Myself hadn't changed one bit - I had been expecting a terrible mutation but was met with the sight of a thin gentleman in a large trench coat and rubber gloves - typical garb for a spy. Myself looked me square in the eye and said 'Merk!' then proceeded to eat my shoes, my hat and my lab coat. He then ran thrice round the room exclaiming himself to be the Lizard Queen and pounced on Ellz, who had just come in to check that all was well. Myself devoured Ellz with much smacking of lips and gargling of jelly and then turned to face me. 'Hello my pretty' said he 'What brings you here on such a knight?'. Noting the spelling I was understandably confused, until he went on further - 'I used to have a spoon, but I ate it'. Now all made sense, he was trying to convince me of his sanity. I knew that any man who said words such as these could not possibly be mad, due to the Hanoverian Triangle phenomenon, but there was something in his eyes - he kept blinking, I have reason to believe it was an eyelash. Myself had been driven insane by the eyelash and could think of nothing but destroying his former comrades as a result. I had to warn the Master Hunter and the others."
At this point Mr. Brooks collapsed and began to gibber. 00'Leary and the Master Hunter carried him upstairs and threw him out of the window in an attempt to revive him, but he carried on gibbering.
Where is Myself now? What will the RSS do about him? Will Mr. Brooks recover? Find out next time
Mr. Brooks
Recently, I have
been hearing reports of squirrels demonstrating superior mental abilities. One
report from a guy on our discussion board told of a squirrel levitating above
the ground and staring at him through the window. I at first attributed this to
glue fumes and other drugs, but further study showed other occurrences. I
personally observed a squirrel pull a card out of its sleeve (without wearing a
shirt!), and heard of several squirrels flying over cars and through windows to
loot, rape, and pillage (not sure what they were raping, but they were leaving
with microwaves, TV's, and other major appliances). I have begun planting
alka-seltzer tablets around all sites of squirrel activity, on the theory that
they will affect the squirrels similarly to pigeons (i.e. they will explode).
Another discovery: alka-seltzer only blows up their tails. They are now coming
after me in force, so I'll have to go underground for a few days.
Agent Misciasci
Trapped by heavy fire behind a rock, and required to go into... <shudder> water. How to proceed?
Employing my incredible wealth of manoeuvrability, I leapt into the heir, apologised, then leapt into the air. I snatched several of the homing frogs that were being fired towards me and quickly disarmed them, before falling back behind my covering rock. Extracting a large, transparent plastic bag from the back pocket of my pelt, I climbed inside and knotted it. Next I glued the captured homing frogs to the outside of my polythene, and hey presto: a miniature submarining device!
Utilising a passing flock of cranes, I was hoisted into the water. The frogs propelled me downwards, and I could steer by leaning in the relevant direction. Indeed, I was travelling in relative luxury, ignoring the fact that I could not breathe. Or move. And it was damn cold. Yes, luxury.
Twenty-seven seconds later (to three decimal places) I had arrived at a grand underwater city, not entirely dissimilar to that in episode one of a certain space film series. Charging through the airlock like a pigeon in a washing machine, I immediately began my search for the frog that had eaten my comrade. As expected, there were numerous English millions of frogs in this underwater frog city, but I was prepared for such a situation. Taking a notepad from my left armpit, I read the description I had made of my target. ‘Frog; 14cm * 23cm, green, boggly eyes, stomach the shape of Tuesday (my assassin partner)’. Right.
Running around, running around ‘till the beat stops, I soon found the intended frog. We locked in mortal kombat. It beat me, so we tried street fighter. This brought the score to one all. We needed a decider. I waged my life for the contents of the frog’s stomach. Our final battle? Jam Consumption.
Proceeding to the vat of jam obviously present in any frog city, we both dived straight in and began consuming jam for all we were worth. The frog was experienced, I could tell that. Fortunately I had a few tricks up my sleeve, and more sleeves up my tricks, with even more tricks up them. Reaching for my knife, I diced my opponent, grabbed a slightly distressed Tuesday from the remains, and ran away. The frog population was unhappy, after all I had just polluted their jam supplies with bits of frog. They pursued us out of the city, out of the lake, o’er hill and dale, and right back to the very tree where this adventure began.
“Aaargh, rabbits!” shouted Tuesday, still slightly disorientated.
“Let us in!” I cried.
Sir Sly Backstabber opened the window. “Have you ‘orrible pair exterminated Agent Myself yet?”
I glanced at Tuesday. Of course! We had a mission at one stage, didn’t we? “No,” we muttered in unison.
“Then get out of my tree!”
And so we were consumed by frogs.
Taken from ‘The Writings of Mustafa (and Tuesday)’.
Leader - Who is the
leader of rabid squirrels?
a) King Killer
b) King Fuzzball
c) Queen Rabid
Diet - What is the main component of a rabid squirrels diet?
a) Human Brain
b) Acorn and Cheese
c) Raw Flesh
Festivals - What do rabid squirrels eat at Christmas?
a) Humans (various body parts)
b) Pie (flesh & mince)
c) Other Rabid Squirrels
Clans - How many clans of Rabid Squirrel are there?
a) 2
b) 10
c) 300
Friends and Foes - Who are the good guys’ closest allies?
a) Rats
b) Ferrets
c) Dogs
Agents Andrea and Alison
_________________________________________________________________
Answers: B C B B A
Report
on mission "Geneticising".
I
selected a suitable candidate for my project (it was impossible for me to use
myself as I had to perform to experiment). I chose my hamster Honey, as she
resembles a small, maybe slightly foreign, squirrel. I soaked a raisin in ‘the
formula’ (‘the formula’ contains 12 sleeping tablets so she would sleep during
the transformation). When it was finished I fed her the prepared raisin and
waited for the transformation to begin.
It
took 5 hours but the result was extremely satisfactory. She grew to about 4
feet; her teeth grew 5 times their normal size and were 6 times as sharp. It
took me a week to train. I did this using flash cards and squirrel toys.
Finally she was ready. I took her to a wood that I had done some research on
and had found it to be rabid squirrel infested. I left her there for a week
until every last squirrel had been eliminated.
We
then travelled around for a month ridding infested areas. When our job was done
I reversed the transformation and returned Honey to her normal state of size
and mind.
Agent
KC Smartpig
(No
non-evil animals were harmed in or during this project)
Just a fortnight ago
I was keeping watch at our base. There were three of us night watchmen (or to be
politically correct watchpersons). The strangest thing happened.
There was a strange
green glow coming from our north; the Rabid Squirrel's territory. It grew
larger and closer as the night proceeded. Just before dawn it came atop our
camp and floated there. The green haze surrounded us. There was no noise at
all. It was so quiet you could hear a gnat's belly groan. Our flesh crawled,
literally. As we saw our flesh crawling up our arms we knew a sinister force
was at work. The sun broke over the horizon and the haze disappeared
immediately. I checked my pants, and to my surprise, they were still dry. That
is more than I can say for some of the other watchbeings.
I charged inside to
gather the troops, and I came across the most gruesome sight I have ever seen,
and I've seen a few Barbara Streistand movies in my day. Every troop was on the
floor playing with little Teletubby dolls. I couldn't believe my eyes. Suddenly
I had a strong urge to grab Tinkie Winkie and pretend he was the daddy and La
La was the other daddy. I was never so frightened in all my days, and I have
had to sit through an entire Barney video. I fled as fast as my pneumonic legs
could take me, which was considerably faster than any human, and some compact
cars, could travel.
I spent the last week trying to fight my urges to play with Teletubbies as well
as figure all of this out. I have not been back to the camp yet, but I have
been close enough to hear the sickening cries of my troops as they giggle
wildly like little schoolgirls. I have never heard anything quiet as bad, and I
have listened to quiet a few Macy Gray songs in my time. I have watched them as
they dressed the dolls, and gaagaaed and googooed. It was depressing.
I went north. I had to get to the bottom of this. I'm on my way to the RS/HQ
now. It will take me some time to get there over these mountains. I am going in
the back way all the way to the bowels of their dark and sinister base.
I fear RS/SNR (Rabid Squirrel/ Super Natural Research) has found a way to
breach life and death. I fear there will be squirrel zombies, and more such
attacks on us with things of the underworld.
I will find out what is happening, if only I could put down this doll.
Agent cRazy romancEr
THE
ATTACK OF THE RABID SQUIRRELS OF DOOM
A
few blocks from my house was a factory.
It had been built less than a month ago, but already things have
changed!
Actually, my cat was
the first to notice. I had let her out
last Friday for some fresh air. When she was through frolicking through the
neighbour’s garden, she came in looking kind of sick. I brought her to the vet.
Bertha (the slightly overweight veterinarian) said it was just the flu, but I
knew better.
So, I went home to
think of a plan to save my oh-so-precious kitten. After many gruelling hours of
thinking, I suddenly came up with a brilliant idea. I would follow my kitty’s
footprints to see where they led.
Now, I am sure you
all saw this one coming; but, ironically, the footprints led to the factory. I
walked up the driveway and past an oak tree filled with overactive squirrels
eating every single acorn in sight. I guess their parents never taught them
manners. <sigh>
Onward I went
towards the answer to my cat’s sickness, when, all of a sudden, a ninja jumped
out of a bush and began singing ‘Kung Foo Fighting’. At this point, I was
beginning to get suspicious! (Go figure.)
I walked up to a
large door and knocked... no answer. So I walked in. “Ahhhhh, I’m blind,” I
screamed. When I realized the lights were off, I sheepishly squinted my eyes
around to see if anyone had witnessed my feat of stupidity. Luckily, the place
seemed desolate. I turned on my glow-in-the-dark watch (on sale for $9.99) and
realized I only had an hour left until supper. I suddenly remembered why I had
come here. I went to find the dude in charge. I stepped up to a door marked
‘Danger’. But they didn’t fool me; I was too smart for them (or so I thought).
I touched the doorknob and I must have triggered some alarm system... the machines
went haywire, lights flashed and sirens screamed (at this point, I was
beginning to feel as though they didn’t want me here. But then, I realized, who
would try to get rid of me?). Under my feet, a trap door had opened and down I
fell. (It kind of felt like Walt Disney World.) Finally my feet touched
something solid. If it was the ground I wouldn’t know (you see I had
encountered a slight bit of sickness at the moment, and the floor was covered
(literally) with a greenish substance).
When I had finished
reminiscing with my breakfast, I glanced around to see where I was. I had
fallen into a small room with a pipe in the corner (no, not the pipe you
smoke). I didn’t have to wait long to find out what that was for. Yellow foam
was pouring out. Now most people would have found this scary, but I didn’t, I
found it positively terrifying!
Naturally, I let the
scared part of me get the best of me, and I ran around in circles for three
minutes like an absolute fool. When I was up to my knees in foam, I realized
running doesn’t solve anything. I was reminded of my Great-Grandmother who once
said, “When in trouble, look to the...”.
Sadly, she never got around to finishing her sentence (her laxative
kicked in).
Now, for sure, I
would have been a goner, except a whole herd of squirrels came tumbling down
the slide. As soon as their heads came out of the foamy residue, they seemed to
have completely changed into ravenous, whacked-out mammals. (Who would have
thought?) There were so many of them that they just stampeded right through the
wall into an unsuspecting world. Conveniently, this also gave me a prime escape
route. So off I went back to the safety of my home. I quickly dialled the cops,
and soon all the employees of that factory were safely behind bars... or should
I say waiting tables at the bar. You see the cops had no room in their prison
for the hundreds of EVIL employees, so they were put on probation, and were
forced to serve 5,000 hours of community service. But the ironic part of it all
is that the boss ended up being the President of the WWF (no not a pro-
wrestler, but of the World Wildlife Fund {who would’ve guessed?}. So the
mystery was solved... my cat’s sickness was from that gross foam stuff. I
decided I needed a vacation after writing this amazing story... erm... I mean
saving the world, so off I went!
Wait...
Next summer, after I returned from my vacation to Bohemia, I suddenly realized that those squirrels I had encountered a year ago were still out there wreaking havoc. So I called the ‘Ghost Busters’, but their line was busy, so I had to settle for ‘Marvin’, the local exterminator. When I had finished telling him everything that had happened he reluctantly agreed to help. So off we went in his bug-mobile (hey, I never thought of the name). All the squirrels were mostly from Newfoundland (a little too obvious perhaps?). When I added up the squirrels I had seen in the tree and the squirrels that helped me escape, I realized that we were missing one. Later that day, when all the excitement had cooled down, I flipped on the news and there was Jean Chretien giving a speech. “Pshaaa!” I thought, “some disguise.”
Agent Jared
GREEN KETCHUP; WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE
It took me awhile to think about how to do it, but looking
back into my books of past squirrel slayers I figured it out. Five drops
of this, four pinches of that, and presto!, I've turned my loyal sidekick Frank
into a mean green squirrel killing machine.
You see I merged Frank with a huge bottle of green ketchup, (ketchup is a known
poison to rabid squirrels, and I've found that the green ketchup works even
better) and he has an ever-flowing supply of it now. I'm still training Frank
to catch a rabid squirrel for me because all he knows how to do is kill them,
but eventually I'll get one to study and experiment on.
Until then, I'll send regular updates on the squirrel hunting and testing...
Frank is doing ok for the record, he eats only tomatoes and seems to have
become smarter, I test him weekly for agility and strength, but I'll get into
the details on my next report.
Agent Z3r0
It was a cold, misty August morning on the steppes of Leicestershire, and the two mighty armies faced each other across the battlefield. They were fighting in the old style, hand-to-hand, arranged a week before and with a break for tea.
The leaders and their seconds rode out to meet their opposite numbers. The Master Hunter, valiant in the chill wind, staring at Fuzzball all the while, Mr. Brooks, gaunt and noble in the early morning mist, circling the leaders with Sly Backstabber, each glaring and sneering at the other, the leaders met. The Master Hunter proposed kick off at 9:00 to give everyone a chance to warm up first, Fuzzball agreed. The referee tossed the coin and Mr. Brooks shouted heads - it was tails. The Squirrels chose the uphill end, but the Slayers did not panic, that meant they would take centre.
At nine of the clock with a mighty whoop and clatter the airborne wing (ha-ha) of each army took to the air, Lord Sleekwing's bats and the rabid pigeons doing battle in the air, the field rang with the sounds of death in the skies and everyone started to feel a bit uncomfortable. The Master gave the signal and led his troops into battle, flanked on the left by King Biro's lizards, and on the right by Berter McMoo and the soldiers of the cow republic. The Mr. Brooks had sent Chief Cheeky Chappy Chipmunk round to attack the rabids from the rear and he was due to arrive at any moment. The rabids had no such order to their troops, squirrels, chipmunks, clay pigeons and cocci mixed and jumbled together in a deadly rabble.
With a scrabble of paws and a clatter of claws the two opposing forces met, with wail and a howl and a flail and a yowl the soldiers locked together in battle. At the centre of the fracas the Master Hunter and Mr. Brooks fought fearlessly against King Fuzzball and Acorn, Sly having gone somewhere else to do something sneaky and painful to someone. No ground was being taken by either side, but Mr. Brooks was doing surprisingly well against that panther of Acorn's and had managed to maintain his early two point lead, the Master however was a point down to Fuzzball, losing 3-2.
All around the sounds of a raging battle could be heard and somewhere off to the left another, further skirmish was audible, Cheeky Chappy Chipmunk had met a group of Rabid Chipmunk's who were trying the same trick as he was. All morning the battle raged and well into the afternoon, and by 3:00 pm when they broke for tea, there were injured and dying everywhere, the bats and pigeons littered the ground where they had fallen. Mr. Brooks had lost his lead to Acorn and was lagging by on hit, while the Master was now two hits ahead of Fuzzball, having deployed his Praying Mantis manoeuvre, elsewhere 00'Leary was administering the sick with tea, and Nutter and Tuffty were busy eating as many people as they could fit into their big, oversized mouths. Too exhausted to get up after so much flying.
The Slayers were enjoying a Hob-Nob and a pot of Darjeeling when there came the sound of trumpets, and cresting the hill was the banner of Briggs and Louis - the rat kings. The RSS would surely win now, with these allies here - however the rabids had also seen the flag and immediately turned tail and fled, thus forfeiting the battle to the RSS. Mr. Brooks proposed a toast to their victory and all agreed. 'Twas a good day not to die.
Herr Brooks
Stranger things
have happened.
(c) 2001 Rabid Publications