Bonus Issue!
Clearly there is no rest for the wicked. This is it now.
JUPITER THE
BANKER (Aaargh! – my mind! MH)
The following is an episode in the banking business of Agent Jupiter that I witnessed the other day. I was in the bank observing human social tendencies, since Rabids don't care about human society and I desperately need to learn how to fit in with humans. (Why do humans make such a big deal about where they pee?) I was in the bank observing Jupiter's job of being a banker in the morning. Something curious happened. His first customer was a man with turquoise hair and a purple robe. He said "HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN"
Jupiter replied, "I'm fine, why are you talking in capitals?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT"
"What currency?"
"YOUR BASE"
"How much?"
"ALL"
"So who are they belong to now?"
"US".
Jupiter finished the transaction. A man with blonde hair and a blue suit came in. He said "I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DEPOSIT FOR GREAT JUSTICE."
Jupiter said "What currency?"
"ZIG"
"So take off every ZIG?"
"MOVE ZIG, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING, TAKE OFF EVERY ZIG"
Humans are so weird.
Rabid Squirrel 143, Turncoat Squirrel
INFUSING
Mr. Lunchlady: the quest for revenge! I was doing my daily cleanup after the spam surprise I had made for lunch when all of the sudden a pack of Samurai Rabid Squirrels, the newest unit, broke in through my make-believe sunroof and knocked me unconscious. Once I woke up my entire kitchen was empty, they ate it all. Even the meatless meatloaf special! So now I here with my secret weapon, the Tuk death peppers grown in a small insane asylum in the deep jungles of Tuktoyuktuk!
HERE WE GO OPOSSUMING
Sir, a small portion of your time please. Upon discovering your website I must say that I was terribly pleased that there exists an organization committed to the eradication of foul rodents. The rabid squirrel is a serious threat to our pursuit of happiness as human beings, and I commend you for taking action while everyone else cowers in fear and waits for the imminent death in which the rabid squirrel brings.
I have some information that you may be interested in. I am writing regarding another evil beast that lives here, in the U.S. Are you aware that there exists an opossum that is possessed by a demon? This is no joke; I've come across the wretched beast on numerous occasions myself. It dwells in the woods of Lookout Mountain, Georgia, and is only seen during the wee hours of the morning. Here is what I know of the "devil-possum."
I was out driving on the windy roads of the mountain one night, when suddenly, the curve straightened out, and there stood the devil-possum, right on the yellow stripes. There was no time to react; I could only brace myself for a loud THUD, THUD. And as I looked in my rear-view mirror, anticipating a bloody mess on the road behind me, there was nothing, nothing at all. Since then, THREE different friends of mine have shared with me nearly the exact same experience. That was when I knew, there was something evil on this mountain.
Since then, we've seen the foul mammal many more times on
the road, and have tried in vain to use our automobiles as a means of sending
the demon back into the pit of burning flame. My cohorts and I have come to the
conclusion that the creature is too wily to be thwarted in his attempts to
wreak havoc on the roads of the mountain by death through automobile attack.
We've begun a campaign to dispatch the devil-possum ourselves, by hand. Armed
with machete and plastic club, we embark during the midnight hours in our
attempt to hunt down and sanctify the unholy-vermin-beast
through the carnal disembowelment of righteous execution. Thus far, we have been
unsuccessful in our efforts, the devil-possum is an elusive and cunning monster
who will stop at nothing to cause highway anarchy through his way of scurrying
across the road in such a way as to make one swerve into the deep ravine and be
engulfed in a hot and fiery death. He is scheming right now to kill my fellow
vigilantes and me and subsequently feast upon our defeated bodies. You can
rest assured that our platoon will not cease from the hunt as long as the
devil-possum lives on.
Perhaps even more alarming, is the Beast has a legion of underlings, dedicated and devoted to serving their dark master by sacrificing themselves through the act of road kill martyrdom. While driving on the mountain, one can often come across the carcass of a slain underling, this misleads the gullible human civilians by making them believe that no such immortal possum could exist. The devil-possum is wise and crafty, some even speculate that it is satan-incarnate, and it will take a great effort for us to succeed in our endeavours to slay him.
Let me now say that it is an honour to call myself a member
of your fine and upstanding secret society, and I am confident that as an
organization which advocates the seeking and destruction of this world's evil
rodents, the Rabid Squirrel Slayers will wholeheartedly support the efforts of
the coalition established between my associates and me known as "The Demon
Hell-Ride" in our attempt to rid this world of the single greatest evil
scavenger-vermin spawn that ever was, the devil-possum.
Thank you for your time, I anticipate your response.
Ryoga
Dear rabid squirrel slayers, I am a new member to your organisation but I have alarming news for you and I am so pleased I now I have someone to share my findings and fears with. I live in Leicester England, and I am surprised in the alarming rate of increase in the number of the Grey (filthy f**kin vermin that they are) squirrels. My major concern is that the general population are accepting these foul rabid, antisocial, destructive killers of native species despite what they are doing to the human population of the world. I have been observing the rise of the filthy b*****ds and am quite concerned that they have a connection with the murders in my hometown. Our local graveyard seems to be at the centre of there cantankerous behaviour. Please let me know of any useful info.
From special agent peanut collector
DEATH TO ALL SQUIRRELS
YOU CAN’T PUT A
GOOD SQUIRREL DOWN.
(c) 2001 Rabid Publications