Volume 10 - Issue 6
13-May-2001
Another huge issue, but that does not mean the quality is dropping. There are some fascinating reports in this issue, and the online story has reached new heights of intrigue. Character building, anyway.
The webpage has been updated; most significantly adding the shop (at last). You should have a look, see if you can find the many new secret features on the way.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
As I was going to St. Ives I met a squirrel with seven
lives, at first I assumed he had just the one or two, as is common in
squirrels, however this particular beast was not your average run of the mill
beast. Oh, no this squirrel was a true fiend. I greeted it in a friendly and
jovial manner, as is the style of those who go for walks in the countryside,
expecting an equally friendly and jovial greeting in return, but no, I got more
than I had bargained for. The squirrel sprang upon me with jaws agape, gleaming
teeth bared and hat askew and attempted to kill me. I of course proved more
than a match for it and ran away before it could get it claws really stuck in.
I ran for some distance and had arrived at St. Ives before I realised how far I
must have run. I paused to congratulate Myself, but he was nowhere to be found,
so I just admired the view. A fatal mistake. Out of nowhere the squirrel sprang
once more. This time I stood my ground and fought - within minutes I had
dispatched the brute with a fine display of haddockmanship and set once more
upon my way. Before long however, I heard behind me the unmistakeable sound of
a Rio de Janeiro style carnival, I turned to admire the spectacle but found
myself face to face with the squirrel I had twice already evaded. Again I dispatched
him, putting his head some distance asunder from his body. This time I was
taking no chances, I caught a bus straight back home - only to find the driver
was the accursed squirrel. I killed it again, this time with my boot. I went to
the train station to catch the train home, the squirrel got off the next train
- I killed him with a dustbin. I decided to walk home - I was attacked a fifth
time, by this stage I was a little alarmed, how could the same squirrel try to
kill me five times, little did I know there was more yet to come. I called for
assistance with my trusty Hunting horn and out of the gathering darkness came a
troupe of lizards - doubtless sent by Eponymous Biro, our long time ally.
Together we shredded the monster, scattering its constituent parts to the
winds. The lizards now accompanied me on my journey homewards, but as we were
crossing Dartmoor we were taken by surprise by the self same squirrel we had
just torn up. The lizards swarmed it whilst I ran home. I decided to head for
Slayer HQ instead, with the hope of receiving further assistance from my RSS
colleagues, and failing that get a nice cup of tea. I entered HQ and found
00'Leary making some tea. I related to him the events of my day as we drank and
just as I finished (the story and the tea) the squirrel burst in. 00'Leary
killed it with the mallet he usually has to hand and the squirrel never got up
again.
Very odd behaviour if you ask me.
Big Slayer Mr. Brooks.
Agent double-oh-Leary (license to spill the tea) looked around. He was trapped. There was concrete all around him, and the air in his aqualung was rapidly running out. Then his training kicked in, and he realised that he had a sledgehammer to break through the concrete, and the air supply wasn’t a problem, as he wasn’t underwater.
Once again, he had been placed in an easily escapable, overly elaborate situation, and the intruder, after explaining the more elaborate bits of his plan (MWAHAHA! Etc.), had left him alone and assumed it had all gone to plan.
Agent 00’Leary wasn’t having this. As the most useless agent
recently, he had been the butt of many jokes, and he had decided to change.
Every evening for the last twenty days, he had been using a combination of
illicit, licit, and unheard of drugs to help him develop the will, and the
skill, to fight the dark forces that were the rabid squirs sqwire
rodents.
The computer desk in his meagre office was now neat tidy, and organised. He spent half an hour every day tidying it, and it was now well organised. 00’Leary’s mind was synonymous with his desk. He was ready. He had been hoodwinked by a bad teabag, which had knocked him for six. But now he was back, and he was angry. The intruder had known exactly how and where to hit him. He had also known when, as the master hunter, and Mr Brooks were away on a mission.
There was only one way to deal with this.
00’Leary inserted the appropriate CD into the tannoy.
As dramatic background music flooded the building, he was ready.
Running up the corridor to the left, he made his way down to the drive room. The doors slid open, and acrid smoke filled his nose, and hair (it was going to take more than Pantene to fix this, he thought, rather irritably). He drew his AAAAA-89.5, and stepped foreword.
“So you think you can stop me, do you?” A voice appeared from the shadows. Which was odd. A figure stepped out. “You can’t stop us, you know.”
But 00’Leary had seen too many films to be pulled into the whole talk-for-ages routine, and opened earth. The intruder dropped dead, alive, and his pet frog. Then he died. It was lucky that the music had reached a crescendo, really. ‘That was easy’ 00’Leary thought, ‘I’d better make something up to make it look as if I was really daring.’ He went to think about it, and had a cup of tea.
I was alone.
I was scared.
I looked around, and then I saw them…
They shouted, but I did not hear what they said.
I was looking at the monstrosity behind them.
There was strange writing on it.
I thought that this was stupid.
I put my glasses on, and turned my hearing aid on.
They were shouting HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
They woke me up.
Gits.
Agent 00’Leary
CONSQUIRRELY THEORY
My mission was to find out a plan that the rabids would use to harm the RSS
members. The results were at first, pretty mild, mostly plain battle plans but
there is one that I found that was quite disturbing.
I found a rabid base and easily destroyed them, and found their battle plans. I don’t know if this is new or if they've been doing this for a while but, they have found out our secret handshake. I know that’s bad but there’s more. They have the technology to make remote control human-like robots. They dress up these robots in regular clothes, except they will all wear a hat or a cheap wig; because they have to put the camera somewhere to see where they’re moving the thing I guess. They have a large bomb planted on the back, and a button on the remote control to self-destruct it. So what they are planning to do, or are doing as we speak is go into a base with the secret handshake, go to a spot with many people (I guess they want to kill as many as possible) and self-destruct. I suggest that you make sure no one wears a hat or a wig somehow.
Angry Trapper Weasel
It has come to my attention that there is a small clan of rabids living in the park near me. I have taken this opportunity to spy on all their actions.
I have noticed that every now and then a rabid will jump out
of the tree and run to the nearby filtration plant (where they clean water and
make it come through the tap). When the squirrel is there he empties a small
bottle of gooey liquid in and leaves.
I have no proof but I am guessing that the squirrels are poisoning the local
water. Since then every one in town has been walking around in a daze and they
seem to be drawn towards the park.
My theory is that the squirrels put something in the water that made every one in town a mindless zombie to carry out their tasks. Therefore I have stopped drinking all forms of water.
After the whole incident that happened to me during the invaluable rabids experiment, I decided to take a short break, during which I spent most of my time at my temple. For a few weeks all the rabid radars were showing no signs rabid squirrels within 349 feet of the temple. If they do sense any rabid squirrels red lights and alarms will go off everywhere. It seems that I have either greatly reduced there numbers or they are plotting against me. My friend, partner, and half owner of the temple was with me also. His name is _____ (he doesn't want his name to be given out) and he is a member of an elite mercenary group called GUNTER.
All of our radar equipment is hidden in 3 unused train cars near the temple. I will skip all the pointless jibber jabber; they turned up missing, and that’s why we hadn't detected any rabid squirrels about. Since this is a report about finding top-secret info from rabid squirrels I will just skip what happened at the temple. As my friend is not an experienced rabid squirrel fighter I told him to guard the temple while I retrieve our radar equipment and complete a mission. Obviously they would probably have the security tight and since I hadn't been hypnotised any time lately I would have to find another way in. I figured why do I actually have to be there when all I need to do is find some top-secret info? I wound up my beef jerky scented wind up toys with some extra attachments (video cameras, microphones, antennas, etc.). Nothing too flashy that would catch their eyes. I got a safe distance away from the fort and let them go. I then opened my computer book and watched from the cameras.
When they got to the fort the squirrels ate them. I’m not exactly sure why but I think it was the beef jerky scent that got their attention. Ok, that was a bad idea. Plan B, kill the guards.
I got further away from the fort and let loose the dreaded
mad iguana. I set the cage down to climb up a tree. Then I opened the cage door
with a rope. As I did the mad iguana bolted out to follow the fresh scent of
beef jerky. As I was hoping it decided the take the higher route along the
trees. Because of this the rabids would not see it approach. When the rabids
met its sight it secretly snuck across the trees. When it got over the heads of
the rabids it dropped down and instantly killed them both. It ripped them open
and searched throughout both of their stomachs until it found the beef jerky
scented equipment to devour. I followed it and when close enough I blew my
reptiwhistle (a whistle, which when blown sends out an extremely high-pitched
tone that vibrates the reptiles scales, causing irritations, but not pain).
After my capture of the mad iguana, I entered into the fort and let it loose
again. After going back outside and taking and short nap I was sure that it had
killed every rabid inside. Upon entering again I found the walls to be
splattered with blood. After again recapturing the mad iguana, I searched for
information.
In a lab I found several jars with foetus rabid squirrels in them. After reading the journals, it came to my knowledge that the rabids had been doing tests with rabid squirrel/human hybrids. They were planning to donate rabid squirrel semen to human sperm banks, therefore impregnating some women with their rabid seed. Then they would have a species that looked human, but had the same cravings for carnage as squirrels. They would have them join the RSS posing as humans to find out any thing they could about us, steal all our weapons, then wait for us to turn our backs, and kill us. Their plan had already gone through the first tests successfully and they were ready to take their plans into action. It did not tell if they did or not. Watch your back.
I also found that they were planning to use squirrel
hypnotists on the battlefield until they’re needed elsewhere. I would like to
add one more thing to the Invaluable Rabids mission. I discovered at the temple
that in rabid squirrel hair there is an oil that when smoked will give you a
really good buzz. If you’re planning on using a flamethrower against them in
battle, please don't.
Angry Trapper Jerro
GREEK
SQUIRRELS
Well, I have been busy vaporizing evil pod-squirrel trees, but I think I've gotten them all finally. However, after mopping up the last of them, I happened to see what appeared to be a rabid squirrel running toward the frat houses with a beer can in its mouth. It seemed to be heading to a house with sounds of partying emanating from inside. After downing several cans of beer and stripping half-naked to more easily blend in with the partiers, I entered the house. Inside, I saw something utterly horrible (at least, I think it was horrible: my memory of that night is kind of fuzzy): the frat guys were fraternizing (pun intended) with the enemy! The squirrels would join them in various drinking and sex games, then, when they became too intoxicated, the squirrels would vivisect them and turn them into zombies by mutating their colons (side note: the rabid squirrels may be behind those organ-trafficking conspiracies we keep hearing about). After leaving temporarily to get equipment, tools, and aspirin, I returned, and wired the numerous kegs to the building's power lines. The end result of this was that anyone going for a beer was immediately electrocuted, and all but a few squirrels and zombies were destroyed. The rest I dealt with by running them over with a golf cart with a weed whacker attached to the front. Still, they may try again (there's still about five more frats left).
A few more points: be aware of a song entitled 'Squirrels'. This song is apparently sung by squirrels, asking people not to hunt or harm them because they have no intention of hurting anyone. I believe this is subversive propaganda put forth by King Fuzzball's agents, to sway public opinion against us. This song can be found online, usually under Dr. Demento's lists. How Fuzzball was able to get to the Doctor, I don't know, but it is a dark day indeed if he did. Also, I seem to have lost contact with Agent Wetzel. He recently purchased a new computer game, but I have only received e-mail from him since, and cannot confirm his status. It may be that the squirrels have him under mind control, locked into his game world. If this is so, I will require the help of some kind of mind expert to free him. And finally, squirrel activity has dropped off here as well. They can still be seen out in the open every once in a while, but there are fewer sightings. I will remain vigilant, and will be changing locations shortly.
Agent Misciasci
Continued from issues: 10-2, 10-4, 10-5.
Full story available from: http://members.sitegadgets.com/chriswatling/story.html
Agent Double Oh'Leary arrived at the milk shop (yes we do
have this kind of thing in the Midlands) upon which he collapsed from
tea-withdrawal. Withdrawing his emergency brew up kit, he revived himself for
long enough to enter the shop. He entered the shop [69] and was heart broken to
find that there was only gold top left in the shop as there had been a mass
milk buying craze the previous day. Furthermore the money he had in his pocket
was insufficient. The last thing 00'Leary saw as he blacked out was the smirk
of the bottle of milk he was unable to purchase.
He came round several hours later and uttered the time honoured phrase of
"where am I? What happened? Mnhere?", the first thing he noticed was
the distinct lack of milk, gold top or otherwise in the shop in which he now
found himself. It took him a moment to realise that he wasn't in fact in a
shop, but in [70] his living room, with the Master Hunter standing over
him wearing a smoking jacket and an expression halfway between amusement and
concern. He tried to sit up, but his head hurt too much. He was suffering seriously
from tea deprivation. He blacked out again. [71] He came round once more
to find a pain in his arm, someone had given him a tea-drip. This time it was
not the Master Hunter standing over him, but Special Agent Myself, in disguise,
as Nutter (you can probably imagine that this took some explaining - however no
explanation was offered). 00'Leary blacked out once more, only this time he had
fallen into an uneasy sleep, filled with wild dreams of tea and chemistry
teachers. He dreamed also that he was walking across the heath, or was it the
hearth?, in a storm of salmon. He was searching for something, searching ever
harder for his ever elusive quarry, he called for help, but none came, he
paused and composed a short poem on the futility of his search –
“To those who wait, no-one comes,
For those who come, no-one waits,
No sleep, but the eternal rest,
No rest, but the infinite sleep.
Time to kill, but no time to die,
Space to run, but no room to fly,
Space to fly, so fly to space,
Have to keep on flying until I find a better place.”
00’Leary was feeling rather existential. He ran on, in his dream, he ran for an
age, he ran to the edge of the world, he jumped. Down he fell, and down and
down, the ground was getting slowly closer, he assumed it was the underworld,
as it was underneath the world. He landed. He sat up and saw he was surrounded
by some creatures, upon whom he couldn’t focus, they appeared to be composed
entirely of brown. He got up to see them clearer and they backed off, 00’Leary
ran after them but they ran further from him. He tripped on something and
looked down to see what it was. He was horrified to see that it was, or once
had been, Mr. Brooks.
00’Leary sat bolt upright, drenched in sweat “I am not just a plot device!!!!!”
he screamed at the world and then fell back into unconsciousness. At this
moment, as if to illustrate his point, the narrative swept away in a new
direction. Mr. Brooks was pounding on the door of the teashop, he needed to get
00'Leary some medication of some sort, and this was the only kind he could
think of. He had to get some tea. The Master Hunter meanwhile was caught in
frenzy of activity – he had managed to get into [72] a television
commercial! ITV had snapped him up because of his good looks and charm. [73]
The advert was for face cream (anti-wrinkle), and the Master Hunter was having
to work very hard to get just the right joyous smile, to be employed at the
moment he realises that his wrinkles are banished forever. [74]
‘Destiny got up. He looked at his watch. It was 4:30. Blade should be back by now, he thought. He walked to the village. The villagers were still walking in a circle, chanting. Suddenly, he sees Regina getting up with glazed eyes and walking around with them. No!, he says, but she pushes him down and goes back to the middle of the village. He chases her with the antidote to inject her with it. He sees Alan with them. Luckily, Blade is not with them; he is fighting the devil's minions. He gets Regina to leave with him and tosses her an MP-5. Suddenly, the villagers turn around and attack them. "It must be the darkness," Destiny says. "Hurry, Regina!"’ [75] That was as far as he had got with learning the script. Now back to more pressing matters. 00'Leary was, by this time coming round again, still desperately short of tea, he was only just able to construct a coherent sentence - this was normal however, so no-one thought anything of it. He had had another dream, this time even more potent, and this one had revealed to him the location of the squirrel HQ from where all squirrel affairs were conducted, he started to tell Mr. Brooks of this dream, when in burst three heavily armed squirrels, and one heavily legged one, they took 00’Leary away and it was the work of a few minutes to turn him into a squirrel minion. The RSS were one special agent down… [75]
And so, abandoning any other possible plot threads (which I may have forgotten
about), the entire Rabid Squirrel Slayers force was now directed to one task:
the anti-evil-minionisation of Agent 00'Leary!
For the first few days of his 'removal', Mr. Brooks and the Master Hunter tried
to replace 00'Leary with other suitable characters. Chief Cheeky Chappy
Chipmunk was chosen as 00'Leary's double, but soon his irritating mannerisms
(such as punching you in the leg while you're trying to watch TV) got to the
venerable leaders, and so he was removed. The CatQat of Nine Tails was next up.
This unusual feline/cactus hybrid was appreciated initially for the intelligent
conversation, but soon the inability to make tea without filling the mugs with
cactus spines ensured the CatQat was returned to the desert. Old Jim the
mercenary was the next possible 00’Leary, but his habit of filing his teeth
with dead pigeons was unpleasant, to say the least.
“There’s only one 00’Leary,” Master Hunter concluded at the end of the week. “I
shall save him myself.”
The Master Hunter left Slayer HQ, but then returned immediately having
forgotten his [77] Ak 47 his favourite long range assault rifle [78]
and his woolly vest, he didn't want to catch cold after all. [79] Despite
enjoying the nicest weather in England this year, he donned the vest,
shouldered his Ak 47 and mounted his bicycle. [84] He had gone but three
miles down the road when he realised he wasn't sure where he was going. He
turned round and returned to Slayer HQ to fetch the secret maps, Special Agent
Myself was waiting there to give them to him, having predicted this very
occurrence the previous day, whilst staring into his porridge. Loaded now with
maps as well as weaponry and extra underwear, the Master Hunter once more set
out into the wilderness of the Midlands, to find the Squirrel HQ, and,
hopefully, 00’Leary. He pedalled furiously for twenty two miles and then, out
of the blue, [85] he found in was in the middle of a large derelict
pottery factory, "OH MY GOD" he shouted as he realised to his horror
"I'm in Stoke", yes it's true my little loves, our big chunky hero
had taken a wrong turning just out side Finland (You know the one, it catches
me out every time). He looked around nervously, when out of the corner of his
false eye he saw it, a thing of unbelievable beautiful, yes you've guessed it
my little purple possum pickers, it was the Holy Washing-Line of Morris. The
Master Hunter stooped down to pick it up, when he was struck on the back of the
head by a big black leave... [86] no, wait, THE big black leaved rabid
tree of Stoke!
'Oh no!' he thought as he crashed to the ground in pain. The tree was not happy
with just striking the Master on the back of his head, next it [87] went
out for a curry, and then, upon returning, fell asleep in the Master's jacket,
curled up like a sleepy baby furry thing. The Master Hunter carefully removed
the jacket and sat down to think... [88]
'I'm having trouble trying to find 00'Leary,' he thought to the tune of that delicious Green Day song, Brain Stew.
'I'm following footprints but running out
As time ticks by
Still I try
No rest for tea and biscuits in my mind
On my own... here we go'.
Clearly revived, the Master Hunter attached a rocket engine to his bike, donned his studded leather jacket, and set off at a near speed limit breaking speed. [89]
The story continues: http://members.sitegadgets.com/chriswatling/story.html
Next issue: 27-May-2001
[This issue has been approved by the King Fuzzball school
of excellence.]
[Did I say approved? I meant eaten.]
(c) Rabid Publications