Volume 10 - Issue 7
27-May-2001
SILLY OR SATIRICAL? BOTH PROBABLY.
Having recently turned my vacuum cleaner into a giant squirrel-sucking machine, I have taken captive a number of rabid rodents. Upon cleaning out the collecting duct I was bitten many times, but cleverly and fortunately I was wearing mountain kevlar-hide gloves.
Although I presumed the gloves would protect me from the actual bite, my hand felt damp after the attack. Worried that the rabid squirrels had drawn blood, I removed the gloves to reveal a yellow, sticky substance. Puzzled, I removed the head of one of the squirrels and took it to my laboratory.
I studied the elongated fangs in great detail and discovered them to secrete venom when embedded into any material. After numerous biological tests I found this venom to contain the rabies virus. Rabid squirrels inject their victims with rabies in a similar way to the poisonous bite of a snake.
I have now turned my attentions to developing an anti-venom.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
FEET (OR LACK THEREOF)
This morning I woke up and discovered that I had no feet, as
you can probably imagine this was rather distressing for me as I am used to
going through life with a pair of feet that function fairly well. So I crawled
to the shops to see if I could find a new pair, and nowhere in the whole of the
surrounding area has any feet of the correct size for sale - in fact there were
no feet at all. Now call me naive but I would have thought that a flourishing
market town such as this would have had at least one pair of feet for sale. In
desperation I decided to mug a sweet old dear and take her feet, but after a
while my guilt got the better of me and I gave them back - they hadn't fitted
anyway.
If you have any spare feet at all please send them to me as I am in dire need
of some new (or second hand/foot) feet.
Special Agent Myself (footless and fancy free)
I have noticed a growing number of dastardly plans of late, chiefly in the area of squirrels poorly disguised as people. As examples I cite the cabinet minister Robin Cook, quite blatantly squirrel in origin, Miss R. Everingham, a pleasant enough character on the surface, but dig a little and you will soon learn of her shady past dealings with squirrels, Jamie Oliver, gormless celebrity chef, far too obvious Fuzzball, you’ll have too try harder than that, the taxi driver who drove me home the other evening was obviously not of human origin, although as he didn’t try to rip out my spine and beat me to death with it I suspect he wasn’t a rabid squirrel – still worth looking into though. Also the recent song released by a group going by the alias of MOP I believe, has quite blatantly got a squirrel on lead vocals.
This rise in the number of squirrels impersonating people is surely noteworthy, not to mention highly suspicious. I recommend that all agents be on their guard to an even greater extent than usual, and stun on site anyone they think might be harbouring a squirrel under their humanoid exterior. They should then take the specimen home for further investigation (if it is not a squirrel, or squirrel ally, it must be released unharmed).
I am now off to see if I can break into the local squirrel hideout and find out more information on this subject.
Weather is here, wish you were nice, will write soon, Mr. Brooks
I had completed the mission and discovered some secret information.
When I returned to the temple, my friend was there waiting. "Where’s
the radar?" he asked.
"...DAMMIT," I said.
"You idiot, he said. I had forgotten the radar so I had
to return to find it. This time he came with me to make sure I didn't forget.
We reached the abandoned fort and proceeded inside. I figured as long as I’m
here I might as well look for some more info for the mission. I sent my friend
off to search for the radar while I searched for anything else. This time I
would have more time to look, as I was not in a hurry to get back. I walked
back into the laboratory and the foetus rabid squirrels had amazingly grown
several months older. Strangely they had the faces of baby humans!
I decided to keep the jars; I will have a fun time throwing these off the
balcony at the temple. I looked on the squirrel computers but everything was in
squirreleese so I couldn't understand any of it. I copied it all onto a disk (though
this took me a while since I could not read any of the software names or
keyboard letters) and took it along with me also. By this time my friend had
found the radar and we hauled it onto the tracks and waited for the next train
to come by to push it back.
When we got back I inserted the disk into the computer and it automatically
converted all the text to English since squirrel is not a font on my computer.
Here is what it said:
CONFIDENTIAL/PASSWORD ACCEPTED/
FILE: Biological research//
FILE: "The Sub-Human Project"
PROJECT NAME: Sub-Human
TYPE//Research-BIO
The Sub-Human Project
PURPOSE:
Due to our low levels of intelligence about RSS this project plans to enhance
our knowledge of the opposing force that has grown to be such a threat to us.
This project is designed to greaten our knowledge.
RESOURCES:
Our scientists being led by Merys have been working for months on creating a
rabid squirrel/human hybrid. The hybrids grow at an extremely fast rate (the
fastest being 17 years, 8 months, and 3 days in one year). Their brains are
designed to run on human mode first, then later be altered and manipulated with
to awaken the rabid squirrel side. We have programmed them to subconsciously
join the RSS.
PLAN:
We will join them into the RSS posing as normal humans. After getting enough
information we will switch their brains over to rabid squirrel. This is done by
********************************************************************** *********************************************************************************************
FORBIDDEN TO ENTER
SECURITY LEVEL 10
AUTHORIZATION REQUIRED
ENTER PASSWORD TO CONTINUE _
I have not been able to find this password yet but as soon as I do I will send
in what ever I find.
Agent Jerro
OH NO!
I have been deposed once and for all! The squirrel's drugs have taken their toll and worked their magic on my ex-subjects, they came to me in the night and I soon found myself defenestrated without so much as a by your leave!! (muffled wail) I flew at once, with haste hence to my sister-in-law's house to seek comfort, cocoa and some nice soup, but even she had turned against me. I sit now, writing to you from the pub I have written from so oft before, only this time I am alone save for Barber's Adagio for strings (not the unpleasant dance re-mix) and a pint of the finest ale the dream club has to offer (though even this has lost its once powerful attraction, and tastes like nothing so much a drink of flavourless, heartless, mindless...oh!!! I can't go on!!! (sobs)...) I am a broken lizard, Oh!!!! Woe Is Me!!! Offer me succour for I am undone!!!!(sobs) no longer am I a regal personage, and never more shall I be one!!!!! AAArgh!!! (cries and wails) I gnash my teeth and pull my hair in anguish!!!! (more sobs) (pause) (stifled sobbing) (pause) (sniffle) I'm going outside. I may be some time.
Eponymous Biro
THE RETURN OF THE KING?
I am sorry for my recent behaviour, I find myself somewhat
upset these past few days. I have spent my time recently whiling away the hours
thinking up evil and dastardly plans, however, to my utmost regret I've never
been very good on the dastardly front and find myself rather at a loss for
methods of cruel revenge. I have therefore decided that I will have to use
simple, straightforward cunning as opposed to dastardliness. I have calmed down
since It happened and am now rather more composed than once I was. I have
called in some overseas assistance from some contacts I have in Mexico and
parts of Africa. I think I can take control as soon as I have found out who the
new leader is, today I sent in two cobras (some of the few citizens I still
have - very loyal they are, they know I'm still the true king!) to try and find
out who's in my place. Wish me luck,
Eponymous Biro, lizard guerrilla fighter!!
COBRA DETECTIVES
My cobras returned with grave news, news, however, that I
had feared all along. My race is now almost entirely under the control of the
Rabid Squirrels. It seems that they saw their plan to destroy us was failing so
they simply overran us. I fear that the force I have managed to scrape together
will be insufficient to destroy the squirrel presence within my castle, I am
therefore requesting the help of my long time allies the RSS. My previous calls
for assistance have either gone unanswered or the problem has gone away before
the help could arrive, but this time I really do need you. Please contact me as
soon as possible, preferably with another pack of inflatable soldiers or the
like, thank you,
Yours in a suspiciously calm voice, all things considered,
Eponymous Biro, Lizard King?
My deadly spies have uncovered a great evil that has been released upon the world. Recently I sent a group of Blood Ops into a suspect area in the mountains behind our dwelling. They were ambushed and only one survived long enough to turn on his homing beacon and toss it into the bushes before he was taken away for interrogation. Very upset at this, I sent my best DarkOp Agent, Lil' Wook, to "fix" the situation. Utilizing a disguise, he successfully infiltrated the base and "neutralized" the now rabid agent and "extracted" a RSS scientist. While there, he placed a few cyanide releasing remote transmitters in the water coolers. A lot of information has been gleamed confirming prior suspicions, however a new threat has been revealed.
The "RS Technoids" (a top secret RS group) has been linked with the recent release of handheld computing devices. These heinous squirrels have programmed an unknown number of these devices to transmit additional information when they "beam". Each time they beam, a subliminal message is encoded into the brain of the sender and receiver bending their brains to the will of the squirrels. Think of the last time you visited your local physician; I bet they had one in their possession. If you thought their advice was somewhat suspect, YOU WERE RIGHT. It is through this method that I believe many of the RSS Agents have been tricked into giving out our secrets.
There is no known fix, however my best interrogation unit is currently "working" on the scientist and has him hooked up to the "NutCracker (tm)". He will talk of this I am sure. Beware, my fellow agents... for there are plots out there that we have no way of knowing about.
Agent Wookie22
I have a tragedy to report. The "Technoids" have destroyed my computer. It seems that one of them was able to brainwash an agent of mine using his Palm Pilot (see previous report). He rigged C4 to my Diamond Viper 770 Ultra video card that exploded while practicing hostage rescue and demolitions in a combat simulation game known as Counter-Strike. I had my crack team of specialists running through a demolition of the RSS Technoids hideout in full 3D when my computer locked up. Luckily, at the same time, my oven timer went off telling me dinner was ready so I was out of the room at the time.
When I came back, my computer (and our mascot, a stuffed Wookie) was a smoking mess. I am currently writing this to you from my hideout in a nearby stronghold. I was undaunted by their forwardness, and decided to make an example of the scientist I captured. Having completed the Nutcracker (tm) data extraction (which my team was decoding) I rigged him with a hidden remote transmitter and "let" him escape. Once he entered the hideout (with me and my agents watching from a distance), the transmitter silently triggered the cyanide gas canisters in the water supply. We sat there for 2 days as they came out staggering and dying. The toll was catastrophic and complete. We had captured the base without firing a shot.
Everything is encrypted, but we will know everything in due
time. I am set back for awhile as I try to rebuild my computer (which
contained ALL of the de-bugging equipment). Never fear, I will find a
cure for the Technoids and their sinister plot. According to my calculations
(on a slide rule) at least 10 of the Technoids were "out on a
mission" at the time so the threat remains.
Angry Trapper Wookie22
To infiltrate the nearest large gathering of squirrels I was forced to go under a dangerous cover. The dangerous cover tried to kill me so I threw it off and stabbed it with a fork, then carried on with my mission.
I reached my destination at three o'clock in the afternoon, had a light afternoon tea and donned my disguise - I had killed a squirrel that looked about my size earlier in the week and was using its skin to conceal my true identity. I entered the main arena (this place of squirrel gathering was unusual in design, but as I'm sure everyone knows what I mean, I'll not bother explaining) and was shocked, to say the least, to discover that the Squirrel leading the entertainment, and constructing the most dastardly pan of all, was none other than noted England cricketer, Marcus Trescothick!
His current plan, it would seem, is to make England rubbish at almost all sports, especially cricket and football - its national sports, and then set them against the rest of the world in a deadly game. The cricket plan is particularly fruitful, and it is predicted that any day now the Australians will invade, reasoning that any country that bad at cricket doesn't deserve to live, and the two nations will wipe each other out, thus leaving the British Isles (Scotland and Wales will be also wiped out in the ensuing fracas - besides, they can't play cricket either), free for squirrel colonisation. Its name will be changed to Fuzzball-land and only rabid squirrels will be allowed to live there. Countless other creatures will be allowed to die there, but only rabid squirrels will be granted the privilege of life.
This plan is only one of many that I unearthed while here,
the rest I will bring in to HQ myself, so that all agents can pore over them
and go "ah, yes. mmm. I see" and other knowledgeable statements can
be uttered as well. I have sent ahead one of the worst, most evil plans I have
ever encountered in my long, distinguished, and scarred career in the service
of the RSS, by carrier pigeon, I only hope he isn't intercepted by the group of
flying squirrels that I noticed chasing it down. This last plan is by far the
most unpleasant thing I have seen, and I have seen more unpleasant things than
most, if it goes ahead then we will surely be wiped out, I only have the one
copy of it - the one with the pigeon - and I can't remember sufficient details
to be able to stop it from memory, I can only pray that pigeon makes it.
Big Slayer Mr. Brooks
[Needless to say, the pigeon didn’t make it. - The Master Hunter]
Dear Master Hunter, Acorn is dead! Acorn is dead! We have done it! No more Acorn! We commenced in our operations to blow up the base and in doing so we killed them all including Acorn. What a beautiful day it was too. Squirrel guts flying everywhere, the screams of the wounded being heard up to a distance of 20 meters around the blast site. Oh what a glorious victory it was. Now I know you will have to make some changes on the web site, but I think it’s worth it. Please print this in the Rabid Times to inform all the agents of the good, no... great news.
Agent Aaron Sexton
[I did a little investigation after reading this report, and discovered that Acorn was indeed dead. The very next day, however, I was sure I had seen Acorn prancing gaily in the treetops. I went and fetched the Magic Carrot, and it agreed; Acorn was in the trees. ‘How is this possible?’ I wondered. My question was answered almost immediately as a flying rabid squirrel dropped a message on my head; ‘Mutator Merys has grown more powerful than you can possibly imagine.’ The rabids often send me messages like this, usually bluffing. In this case I believe the message to be correct, though. Merys reanimated Acorn. - The Master Hunter]
Continued from issues: 10-2, 10-4, 10-5, 10-6.
Full story available from: http://members.sitegadgets.com/chriswatling/story.html
Last issue: the Master Hunter attached a rocket engine to his bike, donned his studded leather jacket, and set off at a near speed limit breaking speed...
As he nearly broke the speed limit his nerve failed him;
though it had held out for countless battles and skirmishes in the line of duty
he found he couldn't face a rocket-powered bike. He applied the brakes and was
most disgruntled to find that they simply burnt away against his wheel rims. He
was, it seemed doomed. [90] As he seemed about to perish (his clock was
pointing to 'Mortal Peril') all of the studs on his jacket began to expand.
Agent QIT had invented a special
'Studs-that-slow-you-down-if-you-are-going-too-fast-on-a-rocket-powered-motorbike'
machine. His velocity decreased, the Master Slayer could once again concentrate
on his objective. [91] Conveniently, the Master Hunter discovered that his
crazy driving had taken him right to the front door of the
top-secret-rabid-squirrel-base containing 00'Leary! Even better, he put his
hand in his pocket only to find Mr. Brooks, Agent Myself (in disguise as a
small pebble (or so Mr. Brooks claimed)) and the fabled Excited Aubergine of
Horror! Now to rescue 00'Leary, the Magic Carrot and Ellz (yes we do have to).
[92] The Master Hunter arrived at the conclusion that perhaps the objects he
found in his pocket could be of some use if any sort of a fight arose so he
returned them to his pocket and entered the rabid HQ. Before long he was
approached by a group of aggressive, leering squirrels. [93] He put his hand
into his pocket and yelled "I choose you Mr. Brooks!" and hurled Mr.
Brooks at the approaching squirrels. Mr. Brooks sprang into action at once,
biting the rabid on the nose (then spending the next three months worrying if
he had contracted rabies - they never think of the consequences do they?), and
killing it instantly. The Master Hunter then selected Special Agent Myself, who
appeared with blood round his mouth, and out of breath, as if he had just killed
a squirrel. Mr. Brooks had disappeared. Myself attacked the remaining squirrels
with considerable ferocity and efficacy, killing the lot of them. It was then
the work of moments to find and free the captive Ellz and Magic Carrot. Now for
00’Leary. The Excited Aubergine of Horror sprang forth, egged on by the Magic
Carrot, and bellowed. It then shot off to find 00’Leary. A few minutes later it
returned, dragging the unfortunate Special Agent-Evil Minion behind him. They
took 00’Leary home and spent the next few weeks inventing a de-minionisation
machine. When it was, at last ready, they inserted 00’Leary and switched on the
machine.
They could, at last, enjoy a cup of tea again. The world was once more correct
and as it should be. [94]
But before the story ended, one last thing needed clearing
up. The tea (00’Leary had just spilt it everywhere). [98]
The agents settled down to enjoy a nice meal of fish and chips. They started to
watch the television, but it wasn’t doing anything. They looked for other entertainment
and thus began a game of Tjord Funderbird, the card game of the Slayers. They
were all having a great time.
Only the magic carrot was aware of the suspiciously large object hiding behind
the Master’s armchair. The chemistry teacher had returned... [99]
The End.
The second great story has begun; go to http://members.sitegadgets.com/Mr.Brooks/story.html
Next issue: 05-June-2001
SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE NUTS
(c) Rabid Publications