RABID TIMES
Volume 2 - Compilation
'The Rabid Squirrel Slayers have been
formed! Those rabid squirrels will not take over the world now! We are
unstoppable! No bloody squirrel can defeat us! We...'
Dies, shot in the back by an acorn.
----------
A top-secret organisation needs a
strange and dangerous initiation ceremony to prove that the founding members
can trust each other. The Rabid Squirrel Slayers are no exception, with a
particularly gruesome formation ceremony. This is how it went.
The five founding members gathered
in a dark room, lit only by the constant flickering of seven green candles.
Each member carried a sack, each sack was wriggling, containing a live animal.
One at a time the noble humans reached into their sack, and drew forth their
animal. First came the Rabbit, followed closely by the Ferret and the Frog. A
small delay before the Hedgehog as it had bitten its handler. Then came the
most significant animal of all, the Slug. The Hedgehog then ate the Slug and so
the final member brought forth a replacement animal, the Rabid Squirrel. These
five animals were placed in a large cauldron in the middle of the room. The
cauldron was filled with tomato soup, the animals drank away happily. The soup
was brought to the boil using heat from the candles, and then one member
stepped forwards and stirred the mixture with a large bone spoon. Taking a deep
breath, each person leant forwards and drank from the cauldron, being careful
to dodge the swimming mammals. Now the five were nourished, they started the
ceremony.
Each member signed a piece of paper
saying they would not betray the others or be nice to rabid squirrels. The
ceremony ended. The Rabid Squirrel and other animals ran off.
The Rabid Squirrel Slayers were
formed!
---------
Yet the RSS were not complete
without a suitably qualified leader. All of the members were up for this
esteemed position, and all of them possessed valuable skills; bravery, archery,
cooking, tactics, and foot massaging. How could one of these people be chosen
over another?
With a test of ability! So on a cold
winters morning, snow blanketing the floor in the freezing air, the five
contestants lined up in their T-shirts and shorts to hear what the judges had
planned. A tobogganing obstacle course was the answer. The first contestant to
get their toboggan up the hill covered in traps and dangers was to be crowned
king.
Each contestant (who shall be named
1 to 5 for simplicity {and most definitely not because I’ve forgotten their
names}) chose his or her toboggan from a selection designed by the local
aboriginal community, and sat in it. The referee fired his gun to begin the
race, but the shot had accidentally hit number 1 in his middle foot, removing
him from the race.
Next to fall was number 4, who had
forgotten to coat her toboggan in flameproof fibre, and so unavoidably fell
victim to the first flame pit. Number 3 made the most of this opportunity, and
used number 3’s burning toboggan as fuel to fly over the water jump. Number 2
had cunningly slipped an octopus into his toboggan, and so had no trouble
jumping this fence. Number 5 on the other hand had pressed the large, red
button on his toboggan, thereby producing a pair of wings out of his flanks,
and easily flying over the jump.
The three survivors hurtled towards
the next obstacle, Richard Whiteley. In the complex game of countdown that ensued,
all the contestants were outclevered by Carol Vorderman, but then number 3
guessed the anagram and so gained the race lead.
Soon the referee was knocked out
cold in a freak pineapple accident, and so from this point a riot ensued. 4 hit
2 with 5 roughly 2 times before 2 swallowed 5 of 5’s 4 seating 4 wheeled
tractors. Then they continued.
Charging through the blender, number
5 was unfortunate to have his toboggan turned into tomato soup, and so had to
retire.
Throwing aside his toboggan, number
2 grabbed a passing horse and continued up the hill. Number 4 copied this
sneaky manoeuvre, but was boxed in and forced to take a tired elephant instead.
Number 2 reached the top of the hill, and grabbed the flag, only to discover it
was not a flag at all, but an angry pelican. The pelican swallowed both numbers
2 and 4. The race was over, but who had won? All participants had shown
intelligence, stealth and cunning, but who would lead the Rabid Squirrel
Slayers?
In the end a lad named Chris was
chosen. ‘What was his special skill?’ I hear you cry. Well, this leader was
chosen for his ability to bribe the judges more than the other participants.
What a talent!
----------
The coronation of the new RSS leader
was a momentous occasion, in that it lasted for only a moment. Initially the
leader was given the title of ‘Sergeant’, but soon it was decided that this
military term was unsuitable, and so a new prefix was required. This new name
was chosen during the coronation.
The leader was given a bow with one
platinum arrow. He was asked to stand twenty metres from a carefully chosen
selection of objects, and to fire at them. His title would be chosen from what
the arrow hit.
As the bowstring was pulled back, a
great hush sounded from the crowd of two people. As the bowstring was released,
a great twang sounded from the bowstring. Initially the arrow looked set to
miss all of the objects by a mile (leading to the title ‘The Master Loser’),
but then it curled back round, heading directly for the group of school
children (‘The Master-Class’). A stray gust of wing misguided the arrow, and
now it looked set to hit the broken pottery (‘The Master-Piece’). A confused
pigeon swallowed the arrow moments before impact, then with the increased
weight it dived down towards the human brain (‘The Master-Mind’). Finally, the
pigeon was eaten by a duck, which then flew straight into a wild boar, stunning
the poor animal. And so the leader was crowned ‘The Master Hunter’.
----------
This valuable and possibly even true
account was brought to you by Rabid Publications.
"Making newspapers destroys
rabid squirrel habitats."
END OF VOLUME
(c) Rabid Publications