RABID TIMES
Volume 3 - Compilation
For all you latecomers, here is the latest information we have on what a rabid squirrel actually is.
RABID SQUIRREL
Sciurus rabidus
Habitat: lives in close proximity to man, throughout the world. Lives in trees,
often pinching nests of the Grey Squirrel, and expanding them to include
computer networks, security cameras, etc.
Appearance: dark grey/brown coarse fur. Glowing red eyes. Stands and walks on
back legs. Approx. 45cm tall. Black, fluffy tail with barbed end. Has a
distinct smell (Oi! - King Fuzzball the Almighty).
Diet: will eat anything, but often regrets it afterwards. Can only
digest raw animal/human flesh. Usually hunts alone, using highly advanced
technology and causing widespread destruction. In a group, a frenzied feeding
riot will occur. Has no predators; if it did it would eat them anyway.
Destroyed in large numbers by the RSS, but more people are killed by rabid
squirrels than the RSS could possibly compensate for.
Friendliness: often tries to communicate with humans to give them death
threats. Extremely intelligent, but ultimately warlike, usually intending to
take over the world.
Reproducing: rabid squirrels lose their pre-mutation gender, and so also their ability to reproduce. The only way for them to produce new rabid squirrels is to hunt down ordinary squirrels and inject them with the rabies virus (or bite them). It is a ceremonious occasion for a couple to create offspring by biting an innocent passer by.
Doc. Tility, RSS Scientist
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Raiders Of The Local Park
An account of the attempts by the
RSS to find the rabid squirrel hideout.
"I lie face down in the long
grass, waiting for a rabid squirrel. Just one will do, preferably a small,
harmless one. It's not that I am scared, definitely not, but I feel a small one
would be less war-trained and so less likely to notice me. Yes, that's a good
reason.
I am here in Welland Park of Market
Harborough on a mission to infiltrate the local rabid squirrel base. They are
rumoured to now have bases all over the country, but this one is close to their
starting point, and so probably large.
Why me? On my own? Alone? All by
myself? Definitely not scared? Sorry, didn’t mean to put a question mark just
there, how about: Definitely not scared.
I’m here because the Master Hunter
and his more experienced comrades are at a party. Typical. Admittedly it is an
anti-rabid squirrel party, but that is no reason to send me on my own. This mission
could easily wait until the morning. Not that I’m bitter.
Aaargh, what on earth was that
noise? Oh, just a kid with a football. Suppose I’d better scare him off, there
may be scenes unsuitable for a child in the near future.
Dammit, I meant to fire my
tranquilliser gun into the air, but I seem to have hit the boy. I’d better help
him.
The boy is not responding to any of
my words, I think he’s out cold. I’ll put him in my backpack.
Oh great, I seem to have got my
jacket snagged on the climbing frame. It won’t come off. Damn, just ripped my
jacket. An expensive one as well. I’m not enjoying this mission so far.
To business: I just found the sand
pit, and have begun digging. Without a doubt, the rabid base will be under this
sand.
Four hours and three metres down
later: I’ve found it! A doorway! What’s that noise? Oh, it is just the Master
Hunter and some Agents returning from the party. I’ve called them over. I’ll
let the Master Hunter continue from here.” – Agent Smith [23:31 03.Jan.99]
“Thank you, Smith. Good work.
The door to the rabid squirrel base
is old and oak, if I am not mistaken. It is barred with inch-thick iron. Barred
on the outside. Strange.
I opened the door, and put on my
miners helmet to help to see through the gloom within. This base is remarkably
small, I have to say. And why is it underground? An underground base is not
unheard of, but squirrels are mainly tree dwelling. I am suspicious.
Morris just passed me a hamburger.
Excellent. I’m going in.
I’m now inside the rabid squirrel
base. It appears to be an empty, 3 by 3 by 3 metre room. I’ve called in the
other agents, but they can’t find anything either.
Smith just tried to get outside, but
his way was blocked by a large rabid! This is a trap! Damn that King Fuzzball!
I’m just trying to assess the
situation. Including myself, there are five agents trapped underground in this
small, bare, room. According to Smith there are ‘millions’ of rabid squirrels
outside, just waiting for us to exit. I’m going to have to call a truce with
the rabids.
I’m now outside, surrounded by
twenty-three heavily armed rabid squirrels. They don’t want to negotiate. They
want to eat me. Talking of food, I never got round to eating that hamburger I
was given. I’ve got it out now. Hang on a minute, why has it got a large red
button stating ‘IMPLODE’ on the underside? Is this an imploding hamburger?
I pressed the button, put the burger
on the ground, and dived into the underground room.
Nothing happened.
Nothing happened for three more
seconds.
Then the hamburger imploded,
creating a temporary black hole, and crushing all of the rabid squirrels.
Once the burger had dispersed, we
left the room, and went back to headquarters. Where we had a cup of tea, and
then slept, if anyone’s interested.” – The Master Hunter [01:57 04.Jan.99]
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THE MASTER HUNTER’S GUIDE TO
ATTACKING RABID SQUIRRELS
Posted to all Agents during the
January of 1999.
Preparation
Before leaving your house, there are
a number of preparations you can make to improve your chances in the field.
1. Footwear - You need some kind of
all-terrain shoes, after all you will no doubt be traversing sand, mud, seas,
trees, sheep, lava and goo in the line of duty. I recommend rabid squirrel-skin
boots; the tough hide on these resistant animals should serve you well. You can
use muscle ligaments to fasten the boots.
2. Clothing - A long, dark trench
coat is traditional in the Rabid Squirrel Slayers, but there are more practical
items of clothing. For example, a bulletproof vest is recommended, if hard to
come by. An excellent alternative is a mattress, tied around your middle. This
should repel all but the most persistent squirrels.
3. Equipment - Everything you own is
of potential use. The basic equipment includes your weapon, a net, a bandage, a
brew-up kit, and food; but feel free to use your initiative to bring along
anything else. This morning, wandering around my house, I collected together a
set of random items that only a shrewd mind could find a use for. So I captured
a passing shrew, and got her to help me as we set off for the forest.
Initiative
The first rabid squirrel we
encountered had two heads. What have those squirrels been up to? This was an
ideal opportunity to use the strawberry laces. We fed one head one end of the
lace, and the other head the other end. As the squirrel heads rapidly chewed,
they soon realised that they were 'sharing' the food. As anyone familiar with
rabid squirrels will tell you, rabid squirrels do not like anything remotely
friendly, and so the rabid squirrel heads promptly ate each other. Success!
Rabid squirrel two was a scavenger;
you know, one of those pathetic little runts that collect scrap. This one was
not going to be too much of a challenge, but then it knew it was in trouble and
so hid as we approached. Fortunately I had brought a mechanical alarm clock
with me for just this situation. I tied the alarm clock to a piece of string,
and then placed it in front of the relevant bush. Soon, the scavenger heard the
ticking, and looked out of the hiding place inquisitively.
A clock! Spanner'll be pleased if I
get 'im this...
The rabid jumped out of the bush,
and edged towards the clock. As he reached it, I pulled the string, enticing
the squirrel nearer to me. When it was near enough, I pounced. Again, success!
Just to prove that anything can be
used to combat rabid squirrels, I next took out the koala from my back pocket.
As you can imagine, an ordinary, inanimate, koala will not be much use against
a horde of rampaging rabid squirrels. I had to 'improve' it.
ESA were launching a space probe that very day. I cunningly hid the koala onboard, and then hijacked the base of operations with a tank. I flew the koala to a nearby supernova where the intense (and I mean intense) electromagnetic radiation mutated the koala into, wait for it, into a big pile of nothing. The heat had vaporised the koala and probe alike.
But you get the idea. Maybe I should
have used a less powerful stage in the life cycle of a star, but that is
irrelevant now. I just wanted to show how, with a little thought, the simplest
of household objects can be used to fight the rabid squirrels.
Conclusion
Much like Red Bull, a good field
agent needs to stimulate mind and body. Unlike Red Bull, he/she does not want
to end up as a sticky stain on the carpet. So what I'm saying is drink red
bull, but from a glass. No, that’s not what I'm saying at all, what I'm saying
is think and prepare before going into battle. Good luck.
The Master Hunter
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[Note: some of the above may be
nonsensical]
END OF VOLUME
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