RABID TIMES

Volume 5 - Issue 3

25-May-1999

EDITORIAL

Good News! I have discovered the traitor that was threatening to do serious damage to the RSS. I cannot reveal names, let’s just say the person will be dealt with. Our alliance with the Ferrets is going well at the moment. If they join us we will have many sharp teeth on our side and will be in a dominant position. So keep up the good work!

The Master Hunter

theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk

www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Last issue included this puzzling question. I have had pitifully few replies, but here they are:

One of the most elite members of the RSS (lets call him Todd) is commencing his training. This consists of an obstacle course, a shooting range and stopping at the canteen for a meal. He does the obstacle course in his best time ever, probably thinking about the delicious rock cakes available in the canteen. Todd then exhausts his ammunition supply by being a crack shot in the shooting range. On his way to the canteen he looks up and spots a strange object in the sky. Using his binoculars Todd realises this is a hang gliding rabid squirrel armed with bombs. He has 30 seconds until it reaches him (time to get to any one of the three training areas). What does he do?

• Go to the canteen and have a meal. Agent LW
• Todd s**ts himself and then gets eaten by the hang gliding squirrel. Agent ML
• Todd should avoid the canteen as he'll be blamed for the bombing if that comes to pass. The obstacle course is also a bad choice because his escape will be impeded by OBSTACLES. The only rational choice is the shooting range where others might come to his aid and/or he'll have a split second to re-load and fire on the chitter demon. Agent GE

What actually happened...

• Todd legs it for the canteen and grabs a handful of rock cakes off the chef. Breaking the cakes up into small pieces, he loads them into his gun. Using the rock cake as ammunition he can happily shoot the rabid squirrel before it is upon him.

FUZZBALL'S TRUE LOVE

Our spies have been researching into the squirrel monarchy recently. Here is one of their discoveries, the King's mate!

Name: Acorn

Height: 28cm

Weight: 400g

Occupation: King's Mate

Special Abilities/ Features: Extra long fingernails

Background: On her 18th birthday, King Fuzzball the Almighty chose to make Acorn his mate, despite the King being an estimated age of 50 (no-one knows for sure). They have had two kittens, the twins Nutter and Tuffty. More about Acorn herself - she is a very pretty squirrel of about average size. She is incredibly deadly however, armed with her 30cm long, razor sharp, retractable claws! Acorn does not normally take part in any attacks or raids, she normally just stays at home guarding the tree. Acorn's proudest moment was when she was faced by an escaped panther from a zoo. In a moment of ferocity she scratched the panther all over and forced it to cower from her. The panther (called Trax) is now her unwilling pet and acorn is sometimes seen riding it.

FERRETS ALLIANCE

The RSS have recently been involved with in depth discussions over an alliance with the Ferrets against the evil squirrels. A few weeks ago I tried to persuade the ferrets to join us but they would not believe the ferrets were a threat to our society. They thought the random squirrel attacks and their food being stolen were not because the squirrels were their enemies, but simply because the squirrels were starving and wanted attention. Now here is an update on the affairs from our Ambassador; Juleska, Evil Queen of the Green-Slime Race of Jupiter.

Regarding the negotiations with the Ferrets - I had a meeting with Ferret Emperor, Edwardio the Great, this last week. He mentioned at that time your previous dealings with him, and admitted he was ill-advised in the matter. After your initial meeting with him, however, unbeknownst to his advisors, he sent spies into the squirrel camps to learn the truth for himself--and found all your accusations to be true. In addition there was evidence of espionage and treachery going on. This led to a nasty turn of events for the Ferrets, when the emperor realised he'd been lied to. He actually found out that his top-security advisor had committed treason and was working WITH the squirrels. The unfortunate spy was immediately beheaded and hung up by his tail outside the imperial palace gates. This was nearly a year ago, but the emperor is still very angry about the betrayal. He has been reluctant to trust many of his advisors since then, and they all walk on eggshells around him for fear of being the next head to be chopped. I was able to calm some of the emperor's fears with news of all that your forces, and particularly the field agents, have been able to accomplish. He is requesting another meeting with you. I have warmed him to the idea of joining our alliance, it pleases him to know that Jupiter's support makes this an intergalactic effort, so he feels more comfortable offering his support now. Nonetheless, he requires another meeting with you, that you may brief him on the latest developments and pitch to him exactly what you need.

I will be meeting with Edwardio the Great next week.

DEATH THREATS

King Fuzzball the Almighty obviously realises what a threat to his rabid squirrels we are. Just last week I received this e-mail from him, but do not worry Squirrel Slayers, he is just bluffing.

I am KING FUZZBALL THE ALMIGHTY and I have taken over this computer and from it I will call up all of my rabid squirrel friends and HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE! THEN TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA URGGGHH!

Remember, contributions are always welcome. I am especially looking forward to a reply from Agent Morris, one of the founding members who has provided so much in the past (cough, cough).

(c) Rabid Publications