RABID
TIMES
Volume 5 - Issue 4
26-June-1999
EDITORIAL
I apologise for the fact that it has taken a month for this
issue to come out, but I have been tied up with exams and other
un-squirrel-related matters. It will be another month until the next issue as
well, because I am leaving to continue research on squirrels in Canada for a
while, and so I will not be in contact with any of you. Still to make up for
these things this issue will be extra long to celebrate. And what an issue it
is, look at all those interesting squirrel subjects below - get reading!
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Not all squirrels are evil. Yes, you did read that
correctly, and yes, it may come as a shock to many of you. Roughly 10% of all
squirrels are the dangerous Rabid Squirrels. It seems like most squirrels are
rabid because the squirrels that are rabid are such pests that there seems to
be loads of them. Most squirrels however, are just cute little rodents
scampering about and looking for nuts. Which leads us nicely onto:
To the untrained eye, all squirrels look the same. When
becoming rabid though, a squirrel suffers a nasty transformation. The two front
teeth enlarge and become yellow. The squirrel starts to froth at the mouth. Fur
darkens. And of course those eyes turn red in hatred for other animals.
I don't know, all Agent Morris was trying to do is send me
and e-mail and he is attacked! Here is how he dealt with the intruder.
Thanks for that little mention on the last newsletter. I am
sorry to take so long to reply but fending off all these squirrels while trying
to write an e-mail is not to easy. At least this time I haven't got my hand
caught in the printer (yes, it was me on the radio that time).
Thanks for inviting me over today we must...... oh my god
what's that noise? Help. It's a Squirrel. Trying to get in the window. I know
I'll throw the phone at it. That didn't work. Oh dear it looks really mad now.
I'll try the photocopier. Yes that got it. Help there's another one. Just a
minute while I'll throw the desk at this one. Oops I missed, hit the cat
though. That got it; a sharp blow on the back of the head with a printer always
does the trick.
Anyway as I was saying we must meet up again sometime!
Well the office is a bit less cluttered now. There is only
me and computer left. Oh and that funny little thing for cutting paper which
never worked, so I'll just throw that out to make sure I got them.
Anyway I've got to go. All this excitement in one day is not
good for me.
The other day I encountered an evil and very suspicious
looking squirrel. So being the quick witted person I am I snuck up on it,
chased it up a tree, and after it got up the tree I still pursued it by yelling
at the dang thing and well it got up on the roof (the tree was next to one of
the apartment buildings in my development) and well it got so scared it fell
into the drain pipe and scowled bitterly at me. I just laughed.
Agent Brooks Sawyer
Some more of the Rabid Squirrel Royal Family for you.
Names: Nutter and Tuffty
Height: 50cm each
Weight: 2000g each
Occupations: King's Henchmen
Special Abilities/ Features: The strength of 10 normal
squirrels!
Background: Nutter and Tuffty are the twin sons of King
Fuzzball the Almighty and Acorn. The brothers are completely identical as far
as we know, and they have been from birth. They have inherited their father's
size and strength, being much bigger and stronger than a normal squirrel.
Unfortunately they have also inherited their dad's lack of brains too. However
King Fuzzball the Almighty believes they are perfect and they use their brute
force to kill as many people as possible and stay in their father's good books.
When not killing, Nutter and Tuffty take part in squirrel athletics. They both
specialise in the field event - shotnut.
Holly Lime tells of her efforts to tell the world about
Rabid Squirrels.
I had the opportunity to be in New York, and to appear in
the crowd outside a certain NBC morning talk show. As we know, the crowd in
that particular show receives many random spots on television, and that is
national television. So, seizing my opportunity, I made a sign, as many people
do, but not one to say hello to mother or go team to my school, no, I made a
much more important sign. Mine simply read "Squirrels are Evil". Now,
I was most pleased at the opportunity to spread this truth to the U.S citizens
watching, but, alas, due to *unknown* circumstances, the cameras were occupied
elsewhere, and I received only a brief moment of attention by one camera as a
result. Now, some might call that *coincidence* or simply *bad luck*. But I
call it a squirrel! I fear that they have reached places far beyond our
imagination where they are in control. Do you realise that some might already be
out of the woods and into the CITY!? They already have allies, such as the
pigeons, but they might actually be there, or their long arm of control,
working already.
Things took a turn for the worst in our attempts to become
allies with the Ferret Empire. Last issue, thanks to our Ambassador Juleska, a
meeting with the Ferret Emperor (Edwardio the Great) was arranged. So I turned
up at the approved meeting place and within seconds I was being shot at. I
presumed the snipers were squirrels, although I was not sure as there was no
sign of Edwardio. I managed to escape but I have still not seen Edwardio,
despite numerous attempts. Juleska has since sent to me a massive e-mail
informing me of three possible theories why Edwardio has disappeared. If you
would like a copy of this just ask (I have not included it now because it would
fill the newsletter completely, although it was much appreciated). Anyway I
waited two weeks, frequently trying to contact Edwardio before I was finally
contacted by him. He arranged another meeting at a secret location, and so when
the time came I set off for the meeting. I was greeted by Edwardio, although to
me he looked different. I suddenly realised why, Edwardio had contracted rabies!
He must have been captured by the squirrels and injected with the lethal
disease. I felt sorry for the once great Emperor, but even so as he attacked me
I mercilessly cut him down to stop him becoming too much of a threat. The
Ferret Empire is now in ruins, what with the emperor being dead and his
advisors killed a while ago for being traitors. It is no longer worth the
effort of trying to ally with these animals. Case closed.
To finish on a happier note, here is this issue's quiz. Look
at the picture attached to this e-mail. It shows a Rabid Flying Squirrel over a
field. All I want you to do is send the picture back, but with a large red
cross drawn where the squirrel plans to drop his bomb, and a blue arrow
pointing in the direction that the bloke should run.
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(c) Rabid Publications