Volume 5 - Issue 5
31-July-1999
After spending some weeks in Canada (including a visit to
Maine) I saw hardly any rabid squirrels. This is despite staying in a wood and
laying down traps with bait. I didn't even see a wild moose. However I did meet
up with a tree dweller called Chief Cheeky Chappy Chipmunk (!) a few times, and
his clan are interested in joining the Rabid Squirrel Slayers. That is as long
as we begin hunting rabid chipmunks, and have a Chipmunk Column in this
newsletter. How could I refuse such an offer?
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Click click-eek Squick-click. Clicky eek-eek click click.
Until now, the RSS were not organised to military standards,
and was in fact a bit random. Now however, you have all been judged and the RSS
reorganised. For those of you who have been promoted, you will have to keep
working hard to stay amongst the best.
The Master Hunter: Chris Watling
Ambassador: Juleska
Big Slayers (previously known as Lieutenant): H Lime/Jade, B
Morris
Angry Trappers (previously known as Sergeant): T Barrett, D
Hayman, A Ma, B Sawyer
If you are not on the list, do not commit suicide. Instead
write something for Rabid Times to prove yourself.
I have recently been warned of the dangers of rabid
squirrels, and experienced their evil first hand today when a fluffy tailed
rodent leapt out at me from a litterbin as I walked innocently down the street.
This kind of behaviour is not acceptable, and I found that it was necessary to
drive a stake thru the heart of the salivating beast and roast it slowly on my
barbecue and serve it up to my close relatives as a delicacy much enjoyed in my
household. Only the other day, a squirrel was gorging itself on some seeds
which me dad had kindly placed on the bird table on our patio. When he spotted the
0BESE creature scoffing the seed he did what any sane man would do and threw a
large King Edward potato at it. It hit its target and the squirrel was knocked
off the table. But as it fell to its death, a small clawed paw reached into the
air and grabbed back onto the table, and it hoisted itself back up and
continued to stuff its face. This type of behaviour sickens me, and it makes me
proud to know that there are others in this world who are willing to stand up
and fight the squirrels for the sake of generations to come.
Agent Widget
I SEE A TALL DARK STRANGER...
Information on another important rabid squirrel.
Name: Wonky Branch
Height: 20cm
Weight: 180g
Occupation: Seer
Special Abilities/Features: Magic powers, Ability to predict
future
Background: Before becoming rabid, this was a cute little
squirrel called Polly. Unfortunately she was captured by the rabid squirrel
doctor, who was interested in experimenting with this squirrel. After injecting
Polly with rabies, the doctor used a pump to suck out all of Polly's blood. The
empty veins were then filled with lemon curd. When Polly came to she was a
changed squirrel (unsurprisingly). Insisting she should now be known as Wonky
Branch, the lemon curd granted her the ability to accurately see into the
future. King Fuzzball keeps this squirrel as a source of information, although
frequently when she is needed it turns out she has wandered off in a trance.
Angry Trapper Barrett is guided through reinforcing his
garden.
Dear RSS
While I have no problem with those small arboreal bushy
tailed rodents scrambling round the garden looking cute, I do object when they
steal the seeds and nuts we put out for their even more cute and attractive
feathered cousins. Whatever cunning contraption we install to ensure only our
beaked visitors can partake of the feast supplied, the pesky rabid hordes
(well, 2 of them anyway) contrive some ingenious method of nicking what is
patently not theirs. Can you help?
Yours, in near despair,
"one new to gardening and matters horticultural,
ornithological and squirreligical"
Dear Angry Trapper Barrett,
The best way to stop the squirrels from pinching nuts would
be to place a series of traps around the edge of your garden. Simple
contraptions such as spike pits, moats full of acid, and electric fences would
stop ground based troops (e.g. squirrels) from getting the nuts while allowing
the flying birds to get over in safety. Hope this is a help to you.
The Master Hunter
Dear Squirrel Exterminator Extraordinary
Many thanks for the advice - I will put your wise
suggestions into practice soonest; but a problem remains - TREES!! The pesky
varmints tend not to be so ground based in our garden as it is ringed by said
arboreal growths, affording easy access over spike filled pits, acid filled
moats etc. etc. to such skilled tree living creatures. How can I persuade the
neighbours, and the council which owns the woods behind, of the extreme urgency
required in clearing all afforestation for at least 50 yards all around our
garden?
Yours inquisitively,
"one new to........."
Dear Squirreligical King Tim the Mighty of Surrey,
I've got it! The way to stop squirrels ever entering your
garden again! (Without destroying the garden). All you have to do is buy a
motion detector that rotates in a fixed position, attach a gun to the top that
will shoot anything moving detected, and then disguise it as a bird table. I
bet you will kick yourself because you did not think of the idea yourself. Of
course, to stop yourself or the birds getting injured you will have to keep
very still.
Christoff the Red with his Sword of Much Squirrel Slaying.
The survey results are in, and the winners have been
selected. The prizes will be e-mailed to the winners shortly, and lets just say
they are very special and unique. The winners are Dan, Juleska, Derrick,
Jennifer, Holly Lime.
You may be interested to find out what was discovered from
the survey. Here are the results:
1. What country do you live in?
UK 50%, USA 50%
Interesting this, there are a
completely even number of Brits and Americans. However, most of the English are
the founding members, practically all of the new recruits are American.
2. How old are you, in groups of 10 years? (e.g. 0-10,
50-60, etc)
10-20 years is most common, the
average age being 19. No surprises there then.
3. Around how many squirrels do you see per week (be
honest)?
155 is the average
That is a lot of squirrels and I
feel some of you may have exaggerated. If I disregard a few of the highest and
lowest values the average is 16 squirrels per week. This is still a lot, but if
many of you are active squirrel slayers, no less can be expected.
4. Where do you normally see these squirrels?
park, trees, town, porch, paths,
roof, woods, school, everywhere really
This just goes to show how much
rabid squirrels are spreading.
5. Have you ever been attacked by a squirrel?
57% YES, 43% NO
So, many members have been
attacked and survived, but none of the members who were killed answered the
survey. Strange?
6. How did you find out about the RSS?
52% FRIEND, 43% SEARCHED, 5%
FORGOT
7. If any, what changes do you think should be made to the
RSS webpage / Rabid Times?
Much was mentioned, all will be
corrected eventually.
8. Are you sane?
57% NO, 29% NO COMMENT, 14%
MISCELLANEOUS
There are less insane people than
I was expecting, you know...
Well done everyone who tried this puzzle. There is no definite
correct answer, but the best answer was provided by Agent Widget.
What actually happened...
The man and rabid squirrel suspect there is a squirrel drey
in the trees. Therefore, the man does not run into the trees for fear of being
eaten, and the rabid squirrel does not bomb it. In fact, hoping that the man has
not spotted him, the squirrel aims the bomb at the man's feet. The man has seen
the squirrel and so goes and hides in the river.
I have intercepted a squirrel intelligence signal. I believe
the following message to be a plan of some sort, maybe a raid on one of our
bases. I do not speak squirrelish however, and so I cannot read it. Here is the
message in case somebody else understands it, tell me if you do. I wonder, what
is the significance of the number of 'e's in each word?
"eeeeeeeeek. eeeeeeeeeeeek eeeeeeeeek eeeeeeeeeeek
eeeeek. eeeeeeeeeeeeeek eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek."
P.S. Planning has begun on the Rabid Squirrel Slayers
Homepage Mark 2, which will be bigger and better than the last one.
Magazine content rated by RSS:
U: Suitable for Unicorns
(c) Rabid Publications