Volume 5 - Issue 6
15-August-1999
UK EDITORIAL
Good day, ladies and gentlemen. I rather hope you are well
and have not had to face any of those awful rabid squirrels recently. You have?
Oh I am terribly sorry for you, old chap. Here, have some spiffing tea and
scones and tell me all about it...
Hey dude, wha's up? The other day I was riding my, like
totally cool skateboard, down the freeway. This psycho rabid squirrel dived in
front of me and nearly caused me an un-groovy injury as I swerved to avoid it,
man. This freaked out sorta guy came up to me then. I asked him "Why did
that rabid squirrel run across this busy road?" He answered "Who
knows dude, but hey, it's not illegal to 'jayscamper'!"
OK, I'm going now.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Note: This address may not work, so e-mail instead - MH.
The Grand High Treasury
Rabid Squirrel Slayers
London Office
England
Dear Members.
Due to the current financial constraints the Grand High
Treasury has been forced to confiscate all funds and assets owned,
administrated and associated with any squirrel the Grand High Treasurer does
not like (which is a hell of a lot of squirrels).
Because of this action the Rabid Squirrel Slayers now have
the sum of £2.31 and 15 francs, which the Grand High Treasurer and The Master
Hunter have spent on a good night out.
All monies raised from the sale of squirrel fur to the
clothes industry has also been invested in this way (next time you kill a
squirrel please try not to damage the fur and then send it along with a stamped
address envelope to the above address).
If you require any further information please E-mail
RSSTreasury@4toms.freeserve.co.uk
Yours Faithfully
Benjamin Morris
The Grand High Treasurer.
My recent vacation took me to Isle Royale, an island in Lake
Superior. I was fortunate enough to have more luck with wild animals than our
leader, and saw at least five moose.
However, I also saw several squirrels. These squirrels did not act
rabid, but I'm sure they are well on their way. As I was happily eating my re-hydrated freeze-dried meal, one of
the fluffy felons came bounding right on to the picnic table. I was sure if I had given it the chance it
would have made off with a banana chip or two.
Fortunately, one of my travelling companions jostled the table and the
squirrel went chittering off into the trees. So even in the isolated wilds of
an island national park, I was not safe from squirrels. I have yet to be in the midst of seriously
deranged squirrels, and for that I am thankful. Watch your head.
Agent Jennifer K
Name: Mutator Merys
Height: 25cm
Weight: 375g
Occupation: Doctor
Special Abilities/Features: Expert surgeon, Has 4 arms
Background: As a kitten, Merys used to experiment on her
friends by cutting them up, injecting them with strange substances, and/or
adding extra body parts. This resulted in many of her friends becoming maimed,
but at least Merys had got the art of mutation perfected. Merys has two
additional limbs, which she added when she
had the experience to operate on herself. She wanted the
extra arms to avoid needing an untrustworthy assistant in surgery.
Now, the King employs Merys as a doctor. Not a doctor for
treating the sick however, as the rabid squirrels eat their wounded. No, this
squirrel is employed to create evil rabid squirrel mutants to boost their
attacks.
Squirrel...Gangs?!
Strange, but probably true. Attached to this message is a
picture that one of our top spies took while in a park.
As you can see these squirrels have gathered up in a small
little group capable of wrecking havoc throughout the neighbourhood. And if
you're wondering, they are not going out for a joy ride! Could it be that these
squirrels have been put together to start squirrel gangs in hope that others
would follow?? Researchers are still
stumped at the reason for this gathering and want to find
out what the purpose of it is before anything bad happens.....
Angry Trapper Anthony Ma
Squirrels are one of nature's laziest animals! It is true,
while researching I came upon the table below. This valuable information should
not be wasted. We now know that attacks on rabid squirrels should last for over
10 hours (so they begin losing sleep).
ANIMAL AVERAGE
HOURS SLEEP PER DAY
1 Koala Bear 22
2 Sloth 20
3 Armadillo 19
3 Possum 19
5 Lemur 16
6 Hamster 14
6 Squirrel 14
8 Cat 13
8 Pig 13
10 Anteater 12
Source: The Top Ten of Everything 1998
Welcome to this issues puzzle. By the way, no one managed to
crack the rabid squirrel language used in last issue's intercepted message.
Disappointing, tell me if you ever do get it. Anyway, here are Spanner's
statistics, and the background taken from the site. Have a read through and
then tell me: how heavy is Spanner? Answers in kilograms please (let’s be
metric).
Name: Spanner
Height: 130cm (this robot is big!)
Weight: ? Have a guess
Occupation: Engineer
Special Abilities/Features: Very capable mechanic and
inventor.
Background: Spanner is a robot. He fell out of a tree as a
child, breaking all the bones in his body. There was no way he was going to
survive, but as he died he managed to build a robot body out of nearby scraps
of metal.
He got his brother to put his brain into the robot body, and
miraculously he has managed to live in the robot ever since. This young genius
invented all of the squirrel's war gear and the Rabid Squirrels would be
primitive without him.
"...and small furry things peeked out of tiny
holes." -Alan Dean Foster
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