Volume 5 - Issue 8
19-September-1999
EDITORIAL
We have been having more trouble with fur dye camouflage
(see below). Other than that not a lot has happened over the last fortnight. I
have been researching the rabid squirrel way of life for the new webpage and I
had rabid squirrel pie last night. I think it had some kind of effect on me as
I have gone slightly mad. Wibble.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
The RSS have been involved in another epic struggle this
month. You may remember a short article about fur dye in the last issue. Since
that announcement, the rabid squirrels have become even more dangerous. Below are
the details of the mission to get rid of the fur dye, with Agent J Danielson in
charge.
"Dear fellow rabid squirrel hunters:
your last issue struck a chord for me personally because
now, something that happened a few days ago makes sense. I was shopping in my
local supermarket and went to grab what I thought was a ripe cabbage, when it
suddenly snarled and flew at my head. Luckily I ducked in time and it hit the
scales with a resounding 'plonk'. Now I know the truth.. it was a rabid
squirrel camouflaged as a ripe cabbage! What we need to do now, is locate the
suppliers of this dye and wipe them out as well! In the meantime, trust nothing!
Assume pretty much everything to be a rabid squirrel and you will be safe.
Private J. Danielson
That cabbage sounded very nasty, you are lucky to still be
alive. We will be organising an undercover operation to find the dye suppliers
shortly - do you want to be in charge of it?
The Master Hunter
I would love to be in charge.. but I will need some of your
best people because as you know, the squirrel mind and those they suck into
their web are very devious. I think the chipmunks and/or groundhogs may be in
on it as well... but for the really tough jobs, i think they may even have a
few humans (gasp) helping them.
Private Danielson
The Must Not Dye Operation
Good title, isn't it? It is a shame then, that I must begin
with bad news. All our agents are currently busy and we do not have any to
spare, even on an important operation like this! But then, espionage is a
solitary job, so you might do better on your own. What we need you to do is:
a) find out who is behind this fur dye camouflage (your
suspicions may be correct, although I doubt the chipmunks are with it)
b) find out where the dye is being produced. When your
spying skills have discovered this information, please inform me of the details
you have found out. Then I will try and provide you with some soldiers to raid
the dye factory.
The Master Hunter
it was dangerous, but I made it through the first operation!
The dye is being produced in a small shed behind a peanut processing plant in
upper New York state.! and as for the chipmunks not being in on it... you were
correct... it was gerbils DRESSED as chipmunks (in order to smear their good
name). The operation runs from midnight to 6 a.m. every day, at that time their
little bodies seem to give out from exhaustion and fumes. If left to their own
devices, I've no doubt the little buggers would destroy themselves, but we
cannot wait that long, as I overheard them saying they were branching out to
other countries before too long! they almost spotted me at one point when i
sneezed, but i managed to camouflage myself in the brush. I want to let you
know, if caught, I will not talk, no matter how they torture me. I was involved
in the great hamster revolt of 1986, and am no stranger to rodent torture
devices.
Out for now,
Private Danielson"
We will tell you how the mission went soon.
Ingredients:
1 rabid squirrel (preferably dead)
100g gravy
500g ready-made pastry
Instructions:
1) Using, 3/4 of the pastry, make a bowl shape.
2) Put the rabid squirrel in it.
3) Pour on gravy.
4) Make a lid using remaining pastry.
5) Cook at 100 degrees for 5 hours.
Serve hot or cold.
Only feed to strong stomached individuals, and isolate
yourself after eating.
RSS Homepage version 2 is now 75% complete, and practically
all of it is brand new material. The Test in particular has been elevated to
new standards of quite goodness. Just thought you might like to know what is
happening to it.
Version 2 will contain:
New discoveries into the rabid squirrel anatomy has revealed
exciting things about their whiskers. In fact, rabid squirrel whiskers act as
primitive infra-red sensors, allowing the squirrels limited ability to see in
the dark. Rabid squirrels are mainly nocturnal, so this explains how they are
able to cope in pitch black situations. Whiskers are a very sensitive area to a
rabid squirrel, so a good new form of torture is to burn the whiskers one by
one...
If you are not easily disgusted, check out the Virtual
Squirrel at http://membes.aol.com/Madjecks/vs1
(c) Rabid Publications