Volume 7 - Issue 1
5-November-1999
Version 2 of the Rabid Squirrel Slayers Homepage is on the
web and a big success! (Mentioning not the slight fault on the test (which has
been sorted out now)). Welcome back all you original members, and hello to the
new agents amongst us. This editorial section is going to be a kind of
introduction to Rabid Times.
Rabid Times is the newsletter of the Rabid Squirrel Slayers.
It has no definite release dates, but usually comes out every 2 - 4 weeks. Each
issue contains the latest news as to what is happening in the rabid squirrel
world, it has new information and discoveries on rabid squirrels, it has
squirrel related puzzles and quizzes. Also, new to this volume is a forum
section (if enough people are interested). In this public area you are
encouraged to write messages to each other, discuss a topic, or simply send
random words stringed together for no particular reason.
Rabid Times is not entirely written by me. The newsletter
flourishes much more if you send in articles. This creates a wide range of ideas
and RT becomes more interesting. The articles do not have to be long, and
everything I receive (within reason) will be carefully woven into the very next
issue. Just send an e-mail to theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
with your article.
Enough of my rambling, may the issue begin!
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
This case may have ended in tragedy, but it is still quite
amusing. As we left last time, Big Slayer Danielson had just carefully spied on
the factory producing fur dye and was waiting for orders to attack. Here is the
final part of it, by myself, Big Slayer Danielson and Agent Kitch:
"I think you can guess what I want you to do, destroy
this fur dye factory and stop these EVIL GERBILS!!!
I said they would be available, so there are some troops
heading your way, to help you take over the base. Our scientists have developed
a new way of transporting troops quickly - by e-mail. The soldiers are
connected to a PC by a cable, and are then absorbed into the computer. They can
then be sent quickly and easily to anywhere in the world. They are attached to
this e-mail now. This e-movement (as it has been called) is only in an
experimental stage so may not work. You will have to reanimate the soldiers
before use. You can do this by printing them out and slapping the paper, waking
them up.
Good luck in your attempts.
The Master Hunter
I am sorry to report that the mission failed... the troops
never inflated properly and just lay there crying. So I went it on my own. I am
typing this with my teeth. They discovered me as they had put in new motion
detectors only last week. They tied me down and gnawed off my fingers and toes,
then painted "death to humans" on my forehead. When the authorities
found me they wouldn't believe my story, and after I got out of hospital,
arrested me for public drunkenness. My husband left me, my children disowned
me, and the creditors took the rest. My life is a shambles now; I am a hollow
shell of my former self. If it is the last thing I do, I will get those
squirrels!!!!!!!!
Dejectedly,
Agent Danielson
I am aware of the camouflage production in upper N.Y. State,
but I have also been tipped off by a hedgehog in Cassiobury Park (who shall
remain nameless-they're awfully afraid of the RS.) that there is some being
produced in Peckham. Myself and private Widget DID conduct a search of the
area, but were unsuccessful in finding the production site. Do you think the
hedgehog was lying? Was it a RS who had camouflaged himself as a hedgehog? I
feel so confused, I can't trust anyone now!! PLEASE HELP ME!!
Agent Kitch
Agent Danielson,
It is a shame about the mission, especially as another agent
reported a second factory in London that we are currently struggling to
disable. But for your effort in the line of rabid squirrel elimination, you may
now proudly call yourself Big Slayer Danielson. Also I recommend a relocation
program in case the squirrels attack again while you are weak. Must be going
now, I feel this line is traced.
The Master Hunter
I have disturbing news for you on the rabid squirrel front.
I have been reading through some old documents that my good friend Nostradamus
sent me many, many years ago and it forecasts that there will be rivers of
squirrel blood flowing in the year 2000 and that a new leader of the squirrels
will rise and will threaten the existence of humans.
I thought it was rubbish really.
Angry Trapper Hayman
This is an example of the discussion section I was on about
earlier.
To: Sophie
From: Norman
Hands off my leprechaun you thief.
To: All
From: The Master Hunter
Come round to Slayer HQ when you get the chance, to pick up
your standard issue machine gun.
Uhm... I have something really scary to report. I have recently
enrolled in the California State University Sacramento and took an orientation.
One of the things that the counsellor was proud to point out was that there was
an equal proportion ratio of people to... urk... squirrels on campus.
That's 15,000 squirrels! And I watched them on the tour. I
saw so many squirrels, it was maddening.
The counsellor said that the squirrels are friendly to
everyone but the freshmen. And I did see a bunch of the students and squirrels
communing.
What I've deduced is that the squirrels are actually forming
bonds by taking over a student on campus. It would make sense about the equal
proportion. Well, to make a long story short, it appears that the freshmen are
slowly starting to be targeted. I found a couple squirrels following me
earlier.
Despite the outrageous deductions, the numbers I have
related to you are ACTUALLY TRUE! Scary! 15,000 squirrels on campus!
Agent Florian
Can you rearrange the letters below to form a word about
fur? E-mail me your answers.
UWU BAD ROOF RAT
I have just been informed by my spies in Africa, that the
rabid squirrels are now here! My
friend, Ismailly R. Sanga, who I met last year on an expedition to Tanzania,
has written to me, describing an attack that occurred outside his family hut.
He was returning from collecting a bucket of water, when a RS descended from
above, and scratched all his face. He was lucky not to sustain a bite, and
brave enough to fight off the squirrel with his bare hands before grabbing a
nearby spear and impaling the squirrel onto it. He described to me all of the
tell tale signs that a squirrel is rabid, and this worried me greatly. So, I
feel that I should tell you that the race is spreading
(unless you knew this already). I have told Ismailly that he
should perhaps join the RSS, but as computers are few and far between in
ancient African tribes, I feel that his access to email may be quite limited. WHAT
CAN WE DO TO HELP THESE PEOPLE?
Agent Kitch
INVASION
As is common knowledge at the moment, Slayer Headquarters
was over run by rabid squirrels a few weeks back. Here is what happened:
"The Master Hunter and his fellow agents were busy
discussing the new webpage when there was a knock at the door. This surprised
the veteran soldiers, as not many things can get past the electric fences,
armed guards and booby traps leading up to the front door. However, they all
relaxed again when the metre thick lead bunker door opened to reveal the
milkman.
Three of the agents each took a pint, which they carried
into the conference area. When tea break came they opened all three bottles
(liking their tea white) only for King Fuzzball the Almighty to jump out with
his sons Nutter and Tuffty! Taken by surprise the agents were easily pinned
down and tied up. It was expected that the rabid squirrels would kill the
powerful humans, but no, they had a far more cunning plan. By pretending to be
the Master Hunter, King Fuzzball could order the squirrel slayer troops to do
what he wanted!
Fuzzball sent out an issue of Rabid Squirrel News from
Slayer HQ. At the end he was going to have his orders to the human agents,
telling them to surrender! His sneaky plan would have been successful, but one
of the agents sacrificed herself to distract the rabid squirrels. This bought
the Master Hunter enough time to add the following message to the Rabid
Squirrel News:
'I would like to finish by saying th... HELP HELP THIS IS
THE MASTER HUNTER - I HAVE BEEN CAPTURED BY FUZZBALL AND I FEAR FOR MY LIFE. I
HAVE TEMPORARILY DISTRACTED HIM BUT STILL - PLEASE SEND THE TROOPS AROUND TO
HELP MEeee....'
This little message was the only thing necessary to get the
keen rabid squirrel slayers going. It prompted many responses, all of which
were suggesting ideas on how to rescue the Master Hunter. Finally, six days
after the attack, the RSS troops were sent round, probably under some cunning
orders on how to attempt the rescue. Unfortunately King Fuzzball noticed them
and ordered his own troops to attack back. But while Fuzzball was distracted by
the battle the Master Hunter slipped an acorn into his drink. On his return the
King had a gulp, and consequently choked. So the Master Hunter chucked him out
the window.
Unfortunately, rumours that King Fuzzball was dead went
unproved. Now we are sure that he was 'mended' by Mutator Merys. King Fuzzball
is now plotting his revenge from his secret treehouse lair."
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(c) Rabid Publications