Volume 7 - Issue 2
27-November-1999
As we enter the time of long nights and freezing ponds, we
again ask the question: do rabid squirrels hibernate? This question has foxed
me for a few minutes now. Many normal animals do spend the winter in a dormant
state, after all there is no food and I am sure most of you cannot be bothered
to get up every morning. Normal squirrels do not hibernate, but sort of have
the winter off, only coming out when they feel like it. So what do rabid
squirrels do? Tell me what you discover.
In case you were wondering about the puzzle in the last
issue, the letters could in fact be rearranged to spell "a word about
fur". A trick question, which few of you got.
Enjoy the issue.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
I have shocking news! I have reason to believe that the
rabid squirrels have a base situated in the vacant house right next to mine. Perhaps
it is merely paranoia, but perhaps it is something more! Let me explain.
First piece of evidence: My mission was to observe possible
rabid squirrel behaviour a kilometre around my home. After scouting to no
avail, I was ready to give up and go home to watch DragonBall Z. As I rounded
the driveway, walking past the aforementioned house, I saw something in the
bushes- something furry, with red eyes. It darted away before I could get a
closer look, but in the bush I found -
o yes, this is true- an acorn. But, u say, rabid squirrels don't eat acorns!
They eat human flesh! I pondered this as well, until I noticed the tiny fuse! With
only moments to lose I threw the acorn to the pavement and stomped out the
flame, averting what would have been a major tragedy. This was my first clue!
Second piece of evidence: After saving myself from permanent
scarring and loss of limbs, I decided to scout out the "abandoned"
house that evening. At 1300 hours I donned my night gear (a black turtleneck
and jeans) and crept over the fence into what I now know as the lair of the
rabid squirrels. Although the yard
seemed fairly normal for a yard that has been abandoned for
several yrs., what I heard coming from inside chilled my bones. Have u ever
heard a rabid squirrel laugh? It is the worst sound I have ever heard, and I
hope never to hear it again. It may haunt my nightmares forever... But they
were not just watching some squirrel oriented sitcom! Along with the terrible
giggles and guffahs of the enemy, I heard the cries of grown men submitted to
tortures that belong in nightmares... and the squirrels laughed!
There could be hundreds of r.s.' in this house! To take down
a base like this could mean the difference between winning and losing the
battle to the rabid squirrels!
Agent Bennett
MIND THOSE NUTS
There are many weapons in the rabid squirrel world, of which
only a few are mentioned on the site. And so begins a series of articles based
on before unmentioned technology...
Name: Nut Gun
Range: A few metres
Availability: Common
Danger Rating: Reasonable
Counter Tactics: Having a strong tennis racket to hit back
the nuts is useful.
The nut gun is a gun that fires nuts. The projectiles are
launched in rapid succession, making a loud 'popping' sound as launched. The
nuts do not contain explosives, and are not sharp. Instead the purpose of the
nut gun is to pummel the targets to death. On a low power setting it can give a
good massage.
The nut gun is best used in situations when the rabid
squirrels are running out of proper weapons. After all, the ammunition grows on
trees so should not run out.
Big Slayer Klettke proves that choosing to paint the room
lime green in the test is actually the wise thing to do:
I have thought over the whole paint the house lime green
thing, and here is my thought process:
True, I have no taste.
However, since it is the squirrel's house, it doesn't really matter for
me. I see the squirrel coming home and
being totally shocked at the supreme ugliness of his house. He sits in shock for a few days until his
squirrel friends come looking for him.
Upon finding him, they see his house is that awful colour and
immediately lose faith in him. They
spread nasty rumours about that squirrel and he is soon shunned from everything
that has to do with rabid squirrels.
Thoroughly distraught, the squirrel freaks out more than
usual, and wanders into our base. On
being captured, he readily tells us everything he knows because he is already a
marked squirrel. So, by painting his
house lime green rather than blowing it up, we may effectively get rid of
several squirrels rather than just one.
WHALES AND DOLPHINS
I feel an introduction is needed. We were contacted by this
group a little while ago, They wish to aid us in our fight against the rabid
squirrels, although actually they specialise in a different species - mutated
dolphins...
Greetings noble Squirrel hunter,
My name is Xavier and I am a member and founder of the
American covert operations group who deals with our biggest threat at the
moment "Mutated-Dolphins" A brief History:
Back in 1997 there was a spate of vicious killings directed
at day-trippers who hired boats of the Miami coastline, the people who were
getting killed were all swimmers and only parts of there bodies were ever
found.
The killings were put down as shark attacks but we know now
that was a blatant lie by the government to cover up the real truth, which was:
During the Three Mile Island nuclear disaster (near
disaster) Dolphins were adversely exposed to massive amounts of radiation,
which for a while did not affect them. Unfortunately we don’t know how they
mutated, all we do know is at this very moment there are estimated to be about seven
of these beasts roaming down the coasts of America.
Me and my team of six have been tracking the progress of
these animals for two and a half years now and we believe they are a national
threat if left alone.
All the data on what they can do boils down to this:
1:They are exceptionally fast estimated to be over 40mph
2:They have razor sharp teeth and a hyper acute sense of
smell
3:They swim in groups (or hunting packs as we call them),
but Kill alone
4:They are much longer than a normal dolphin (up to 3 metres)
and have marking features along there sides.
We have gathered this data by going out into the ocean
around the site of a last kill and just waiting. When and IF they show up we
entice them with buckets of chum and human dummies and observe the carnage. Of
course the public don’t know of this at all because there would be national
panic, so any reports of strange killings on the oceans come straight to us and
bypass all of the local authorities.
My team is made up of trustworthy and hardworking, highly
skilled scientists who are (By there codenames, real names are a national
security secret):
Xavier
Sasha
Deepblue
O-Dog
Reel-em-in (Reel)
Shamu
We wish to aid in the progress of fighting the Rabid
Squirrels and hope you will be able to help us somehow.
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