Volume 7 - Issue 3
12-December-1999
Read as 'editorial'. With members now flooding in from all
over the world at a rate of 20 per week, the Rabid Squirrel Slayers have now
got three times as any members after one month as we had all last year. This
new page really draws people in!
A new rabid squirrel leader has been discovered, easily as
nasty as the others, and quite high ranking amongst them. By the way, King
Fuzzball and the main rabid squirrel base are both to be found in England, so
this new leader is not in charge here, the beast was just boasting. If there
have been any rabid squirrel leaders spotted in America, please inform Slayer
Headquarters.
If anybody would like to apply for the Agent v Squirrel
round the world boat chase, please also contact Slayer HQ soon.
Next issue you may look forward to the history of the Magic
Carrot!
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Some applications to the RSS have been pretty funny! Here
are the best:
Comments- THE RABID PEOPLE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AFTER
LUNCH TOMORROW
Email- We don't have a Email address!!!!!
Name- Leader of the Rabid People
Country- Mars
Comments- Just yesterday I saw a rabid squirrel he looked at
me with his transparent eyes and then killed me. This is a True Story.
Email- I don't have one because I am dead
Name- It was Adrian Smith
Country- I used to live England
Comments- I like chocolate flavoured rabid squirrels as they
are very nutritious.
Email- CENSORED
Name- Mamfred T Giraffe
Country- England?
Comments- I am Shadowblaze of the clan shih the Hunters Of
the dreaded evil beast of the Underworld run by the evil pixies with their tiny
pitchforks. The knowledge the great Evil is untold but I warn you there is a
More dangerous creature out there which I have Been hunting locha the great
rabid weresquirrel I have heard he is looking for you he looks like a normal
Person until he changes into his war form Of 9ft tall with his bush tail doom
and fangs of grrr he also Has the same ability of a normal rabid squirrel. So
be careful for I have hunted this beast for over 20 years all over the world.
Email- CENSORED
Name- john
Country- England the world the universe the western spiral
arm of the Milky Way
Comments- Watling you little /;'#, I am going to delete your
web site and stuff it down you throat unless you pay me 1000000000000000
pounds. By now this e-mail has downloaded into the computer you are reading
this on and it has gone into you through the keyboard. If you do not give me
what I want I will make your life a living hell! There is nothing you can do
and if you do not pay me your web site will be destroyed forever. This e-mail
is not from James Yeomans, BUT FROM A RABID SQUIRREL
SUPPORTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Email- CENSORED
Name- XXXXX
Country- ENGLAND
I have grave news. After receiving the mission to scout out
rabid squirrels activity within a 1km radius, I quickly ran home and armed my
self. After donning black clothes and arming myself with knife, hockey stick
and my secret weapon, a powerful staple gun, I went to the most likely place,
the woodlands a mere two minute walk away from my house, and now I wish to god
that I never had. While rabid squirrel slaying is big in America, it has been
neglected over here in England. We have two types of squirrel. The less common,
original inhabitant, the red squirrel. They are all noble and true, but are
dwindling in numbers as grey squirrels kill them on site. As far as I am able
to determine, all grey squirrels are rabid, and plan to take over the entire
country! I entered the woodland, slightly apprehensive, as the squirrels have
me on file from my young days of killing squirrels after they murdered my
family. Anyway, I entered the woods and instantly I could feel something, or
things watching me. Every so often I would see a rapid movement out of the
corner of my eye, but when I turned towards it, I could see nothing but leaves
falling from the trees. After an hour I decided to leave, and began to make my
way back out. Since nothing bad had happened, I began to let my guard down, and
this is when the attack came. I can only thank god for giving me quick
reactions, as these are all that saved me. The squirrel lunged from a nearby
bush, it's teeth going for my throat. Without thinking, I swung my hockey
stick. The squirrel flew backwards and was impaled on a branch. Suddenly they
were everywhere, and I fought a running battle, hockey stick in one hand, knife
in the other. By the time I reached the end of the woodlands there were piles
of bodies, and I had lost my knife, it was still stuck through the throat of a
large squirrel. I looked down, and there were only two squirrels left. One
jumped, causing me two step back, and this is when I tripped, not on a stone,
but on a human skull, all traces of flesh bitten clean. My hockey stick fell
from my grasp and bounced away. The malevolent creature jumped onto my chest
and stood glaring. It was still glaring when I drew the stable gun and pinned
the creature to a tree several feet away. I quickly regained my feet and
readied myself to battle the last squirrel. It was huge; it's fur not like that
of a squirrel, but more like that of a tiger. I fired a staple, but the thing
simply batted the attack out of the air with its tail. So fast it was a blur it
jumped forward and knocked my weapon out of my hand. With another sweep of its
tail, I was on the floor. It laughed, and then spoke, it's voice drawn off in a
hiss like that of a serpent. 'I am Delekahn, the hunter. I lead the squirrels
in this country, and I answer to no one but the king himself. Tell your leaders
I am coming for them, as of all assassins, I am the greatest, they cannot hide,
and they cannot run' with that he clawed my cheek and laughed again. 'I have
marked you, and that means that I shall be the one to kill you, as I killed
your family.' Without another word he disappeared, his chilling laugh fading
into the wind. I returned home and cleaned to wound top avoid becoming rabid. I
have warned you, so watch out for this killer, he is probably even more dangerous
than I have described. I also swear that his time will come, and if I have to
burn down every wood in the country, I will kill him.
Agent Mat
Name: Portable Incinerator
Availability: Extremely Rare
Danger Rating: Incredible!
Counter Tactics: Erm, does suicide count?
The portable incinerator is a box with all dimensions of
about a metre. A switch on the outside turns it on and off. When power is on,
anything within the incinerator will be, literally, incinerated! All known
substances will be reduced to ash, especially a captured human forced to climb
inside. This weapon is used for executions, but is also taken onto the
battlefield where a large vacuum cleaner is attached to the top, to suck
helpless victims inside.
It has been 3 days since I last left my underground house, I
have found that I have been less bothered by the rabid squirrels down here and
it was today that I left my house in search for the evil creatures. I had been
planning this attack for some time and making some rather clever weapons to
attack these rabid creatures with. The first weapon is a 3 foot metal pole with
a sharp point on both ends and also on this weapon is a button so I can press
it and some liquid comes out the end of the points and does not effect the
animal for 2 hours this is so it can spread its newly developed poison in its
blood and instead of killing one of these animals will kill about 5 at a time,
however I had not thought this weapon through very well as it did not kill the
animals it made them even stronger and that is where the second weapon came in
use as it meant it would kill any creature I wished. This weapon was a gun in
which fired 7 fire bullets about 2mm in diameter each these bullets had a
special chemical on them which meant that the bullets were on fire and liquefied
as they got so hot it would go into the animal and burn through the skin and
then the molten metal from the 7 bullets would cool down in the blood in a very
very uncomfortable shape making the animal unable to move the pain for the
animal would be so great that it would attack anything even if it was one of
its own kind, and this gave me an idea, I would follow one of them and let it
lead me to its pack and then I would fire this gun at about 3 of the animals
which would make them scratch away at the others killing them and making it
very hard for any of them to escape and if any did get away from the pack I
would use my third weapon, this is my last weapon but I would say it is the
most effective however the chemicals needed for it are hard to come by and so
are limited. This weapon is a liquid compound that does not affect glass metal
or plastic any other material is dissolved in this acid like element. It is a
secret formula and works very well if it touches anything other than the stated
materials it will go through them and thus killing and of the rabid creatures
however I did not put I directly on them instead I put a 1 m2 area
on the ground and when the animals fell in it they would find them selves
falling right through the ground and as this chemical can never wear out it
keeps burning the ground right down to the core of earth burning the animals in
the extreme heat.
i am pleased with my days work and when i got home i had
cheese on toast as a treat and half an apple just for a treat.
Agent Nick Lartz
***ISUUE TERMITING?***
(c) Rabid Publications