Volume 7 - Issue 4
1-January-2000
Hotmail can only cope with groups of fifty e-mail addresses.
There are far too many members of the RSS to fit in one group, so you have been
split into sections of roughly fifty agents. You will now be given orders,
Rabid Times, and everything else through these sections. At the moment I have
given you exciting names such as Section A and B, you can sort it out amongst
yourselves if you want better names.
I am working on a 'members only' page for the website. It is
funny, and will be well hidden from all those rabid squirrels trying to prise
information from the site.
There, I managed to get through the editorial without saying
millennium once.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Visit the Magic Carrot on the ‘History’ page.
The Magic Carrot began life as an ordinary carrot in an
ordinary field on an ordinary farm in an ordinary town. Things were very
ordinary. The Magic Carrot lay in a fresh patch of soil with his carrot
brothers and sisters. Then one day...
A rabid squirrel came to the ordinary farm, scouting out
some new territory that Sly thought might be useful. Feeling a bit peckish, the
rabid squirrel looked down at its feet and saw carrots, hundreds of carrots!
The rabid squirrel would have preferred a nice bit of raw human flesh, but a
juicy carrot would do. The squirrel chose one fat carrot, which would soon be
known as the Magic Carrot.
The rabid squirrel swallowed the shocked Magic Carrot whole,
a greedy look of satisfaction on its face. However, the Magic Carrot was not
beaten yet. Rudely taken from his warm earth and eaten, The Magic Carrot wanted
his revenge. He called upon Horange, the God of Carrots, to save him. Horange
gave the carrot magical powers! The now ‘Magic’ Carrot incinerated the rabid
squirrel from the inside, and jumped out to a round of applause from his fellow
carrots.
The Magic Carrot was not satisfied with just killing that
rabid squirrel, he wanted them all. So this savage killing machine joined the
RSS, and has been our mascot ever since. To this day, no one has ever eaten the
Magic Carrot and lived.
Section A were given Mission 2 a few weeks back. What they discovered is extremely valuable to us. Here is the briefing to remind you of the mission, along with some of the results:
MISSION 2
Mission Name: Squirrelnap.
Type: Capture and interrogate.
Deadline: 31.12.99
Location: Your choice.
Summary: Find a rabid squirrel, on its own. Capture the
rabid squirrel without threatening your life. Interrogate the rabid squirrel on
the subject of rabid squirrel vulnerabilities. You may take measures to make
the rodent talk. Write a short report on your findings and send it to RSS
headquarters.
RESULTS
Rabid squirrel vulnerabilities: most have bad hand-eye
coordination causing many to fall from the trees. I witnessed a fall where upon
the squirrel was caught and interrogated he died from lack of intelligence
Agent jm15m
After receiving the next mission, I attempted to enter the
frozen squirrels drey, as it has been snowing, disguised as a woolly hat
salesman. I interrogated Fuzzball the grim mighty high lord of the horndean
squirrels, but before I had a chance to get any info out of him, he revealed a
belt of dynamite, and blew himself up shouting "mouldy bananas!!!" I
am now armless as a result of this and am writing to you using my feet.
Agent bellyknickers99.
After sitting in my child’s tree house for 2 weeks without
food or water, I have discovered a new group of Rabid Squirrels. There are
about 34 of the bastards, going around killing the old, unsuspecting Grannies.
As I was walking down the road, yesterday, I noticed
something rustling in the bushes. out of the corner of my eye, I saw it's evil
face and with a quick pounce, much like a big cat on a gazzel I caught the b*****d. It tried nibbling my hands but my rock hard
English hands stayed firm until I got the little blighter home. After tying him
up with 2 roles of celotape and sticking brussel sprouts in every possible crevice
except his mouth, I questioned him. The
results are as follows:
*There secret Hampshire
Hideout is in the Petersfield branch of Somerfield
*More clans of
Rabid Squirrels are being formed as we type
*There week point
is in fact, TOASTED MARSHMALLOWS; they cannot handle the taste or burntness of
them.
*I have now
purchased 24 bags of Marshmallows, waiting for the attack
Agent 158...over and out
I staked out a field near my house where I've been
suspecting a certain rabid squirrel has been trying to infect the non-rabid
squirrels and field mice with the rabies virus. I stunned the little bugger with a blowgun dart and dragged him
to my woodshed where I interrogated him thoroughly for hours before he self-destructed
via some clever mechanism inserted in them when they turn bad. I found out some
very interesting things...
If you feed them sweets,
particularly stale Christmas pudding, they will tell you just about anything
you want to know.
If you swab out their ears with
Q-tips dipped in alcohol, their keen sense of hearing seems to weaken quite a
bit.
If you smack them about the legs,
they get a tad excited.
But here's the really key
thing: they can be smoked out of their
hiding places with ordinary pipe smoke... it makes them groggy, at which point
they can be rounded up and destroyed or tortured just for fun.
WARNING: watch out for their tails! They are developing a
set of spines similar to porcupines and one poke can give you a nasty rash!
That is all for now... I’m still cleaning up the mess in the
shed.
Big Slayer Danielson
Diary of a Mad-squirrel killer man
As instructed by my superior, Gen. Watling, I set out immediately
into the nearest woods. Now, living in New Mexico and doing that is kind of
hard, so I settled for a local park. Ahh, now we begin...
I slowly walked the Outer Rim of the Squirrels Habitat, he
looked so happy gathering those acorns & severed limbs, though I knew what
He was really like. I saw those fiery
eyes ablaze with hate for Human kind. I drew my M-41A standard issue Pulse
Rifle from my side, and then began to take aim. "Wait a minute," I
thought, "I was supposed to capture and interrogate that cute little fuzzy
guy, not dissolve him." (General Watling specifically told me "...and
NO disintegrations.") So I calmly cast my weapon aside and put on an iron
glove. I slid around the tree then proceeded to grab him. I felt his bones
crack as I triumphantly raised his tiny little body into the air, then said in
my most ferocious voice, “Tell me of your Mighty King Fuzzball, or I shall
crack your ribs!" To this he spit an acorn in my eye. "C'mon, dude,
just tell me. You really are too cute to hurt. I'll do it though, I
think." Now I had him. I took him back to my place where I sat him in a
chair and we discussed (I got him drunk.) his evil legion, and how they're planning
to destroy us. Later I cut off his ear, poured gasoline on him and sang, "'Cause
I'm...stuck in the middle with you" just like Mr. Blonde in Reservoir
Dogs. I always wanted to do that. Now,
here is what I gathered from my interrogation.
WHAT: Possible new species; seems clear
enough to me enough to be invisible.
NAME: Spectre Squirrel
HEIGHT: Umm...2 feet? That alright?
WEIGHT: 25
lbs. I'd be fat, too, if nobody could see me
OCCUPATION: Probably
for sabotage, espionage, etc. Watches pro wrestling
SPECIAL: They
are invisible. Only their eyes can be seen.
BACKGROUND: Probably Russian squirrels from Chernobyl
(grammar?!) that have come to America to feed on the nuclear energy, or
something. Hurts when they bite you, though...
ahh, my squirrel sense is tingling.
Agent crazyred
Living in the woods, I see many squirrels and hear even
more. I walked outside into the fresh
winter air and listened. I followed
some chittering to a squirrel's hideaway.
Much to my surprise, the squirrel was happily typing away on its
computer. I was so awed I let my mouth
drop open, and the smell of the 'everything bagel' I had for lunch frightened
it away. Fortunately, its computer
wasn't a laptop, so I took a peek even though I heard self destruct
signals. (Which, by the way, I think
everyone should be trained to hear. I
have known since I was little and have learned to differentiate between
'immediate' and 'soon' signals. This
was a 'soon' signal, so I knew I had a bit of time to look...anyway...) I
happened to notice this e-mail on screen:
It is time for revenge!!!
We will capture and evilly interrogate any RSS members that come within
our lairs. Unfortunately, our funds
have been mostly spent on 'THE PROJECT' so the interrogation of RSS members
will have to be done before the end of the year when 'THE PROJECT' makes all
computers crash. (Blame it on
Y2K!!!!) I have planned an attack with
my fellows to seek out the lair of the one who lives near here. Here is a detailed description of our plan,
with the date, time, address, and, just for fun, a major Rabid Squirrel
weakness...
Of course, the signal had to change RIGHT THEN to an
immediate signal...I high tailed it out of there, (so to speak,) and am now in
my nice warm room. Unfortunately, I
fear I am the only RSS in the vicinity.
*Sigh* I did notice that the squirrels have some similarities to
us. (Such as mission type things and
e-mail correspondence.) I did also
notice, I can't recall the RSS making any plans for Y2K! Especially with this 'PROJECT' thing looming
in my mind, along with impending doom, I'm just not in a very happy mood. Attempts have been made to contact the
closest RSS member, but we are not able to connect. I fear this may be the last you hear from me.
Big Slayer Jennifer K.
Other sections will have the mission soon, and those of you
who need promotions will be sorted out this month.
***TRANSMISSION COMPLETED***
***HAPPY NEW YEAR***
(c) Rabid Publications