Volume 7 - Issue 5
5-February-2000
Bonjour, mes petits ananas. Les ecureuils sont tres mauvais.
Les arbres n'aime pas les ecureuils aussi, comme ils mange le bois. Salut.
If you could take one elephant to the end of the world, mine
would be that yellow pillowcase that came free with the small statue from the
pizza restaurant.
The most delayed issue ever of Rabid Times is here! I have
been too busy (and lazy) to put it together. To make up for this (and the fact
that I have done no work on the 'Members Only' page) this issue is quite big.
I've even put in some articles that were written ages ago. You may now enter.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
It has been a while since there was a puzzle in Rabid Times.
So here is one. All you have to do is read the story and say what happens next.
The answer is at the bottom of the newsletter.
Todd, the Slayer Headquarters caretaker, was out for a walk.
He had just been stoking the furnace in HQ, and was still carrying the spade he
used for this job. Todd was enjoying the fresh air during his lunch break, when
there was a rustling in the trees up ahead. Todd noticed this and so stopped
and leant on his spade, which dug into the ground slightly. Even being a
caretaker, Todd had reasonable espionage skills, for the RSS do not hire
average people. Alert as ever, Todd noticed movement all around him in the
trees surrounding the field. As sudden as an extremely sudden thing, five rabid
squirrels charged towards Todd from their tree hiding places. The shock made
Todd lean heavily on the spade, and a large chunk of earth went flying into the
air...
Name: Dredgen and the Squirrel Circus
Availability: Unique
Danger Rating: Completely random
Counter Tactics: Throw popcorn at them
As you may have realised from reading the above, this is not
a standard weapon. In fact it is a cross between a rabid squirrel clan, and a
variety of weapons.
Dredgen's Squirrel Circus travels around the world entertaining
rabid squirrels. The trapezists show off their bravery and head for heights.
The lion tamers nobly ride the ferocious beasts. The squirrel cannonball gets
fired into the audience. Dredgen is the ringmaster.
In times of war, the circus is reformed. The trapezists dive
bomb the enemy from up high. The lion tamers set their animals onto the poor
humans. The squirrel cannonball hits the opposition with tremendous furry
force. And Dredgen becomes a rabid squirrel General! It is still entertaining to
watch, but now deadly as well.
Agent 122 tests the RSS Security:
I've very cleverly infiltrated the RSS's security system and
in a few days time we will be able to know your every move ! There's nothing
you can do, you will be totally oblivious to any security breech. A certain
number of our spies are already assessing the whereabouts of your secret
meeting place, do not expect it to be secret from us for much longer you
fools!!!
---
We did locate the RSS secret meeting place, or so we
thought...............
At precisely 18:00 we embarked upon an attempt to capture
all lead members of your evil society and take them hostage. We cleverly chose
this time as we estimated you would most likely be eating your tea, and
therefore not really be paying much attention to security (you fools!).
Our mission began well, we successfully made our way to what
we assumed was the said meeting place and easily managed to break into it
without any problems, (this was the first sign that something was not quite
right).
However once we were in we knew that something had gone
terribly wrong, we had not found the secret meeting place of the RSS, but the
most definitely unsecret meeting place of The Worchester Owl Appreciation
Society.
Well maybe we'll have better luck next time.
Don't worry I made sure that the useless people who supplied
the information were made to pay!
Section B Mission 1 and 2 results:
I caught a rabid little giblet collecting food from my bird
feeder after trying to get him to talk by means of a car battery charger and
cutting out his eyes he told me that they are very weak in the winter and can
not live with out there tails. I have
been developing a weapon that takes there tails and so far have been able to
off 14 squirrels The squirrel also told me of a so called new leader a god
squirrel that lives deep under ground.
All I could get of him was the name General Cluster. You might want to
send some agents in for a look see
Agent 204
I reside in to lactation so this mission was rather
difficult: my home and my home away from home, college. In the rural area of which I grew up in the
rabid squirrel campaign has failed to take hold with most of the squirrel, they
for the most part remain neutral. In
addition to this there are maybe 2 or 3 top per square km. I have alerted the local law enforcement,
giving them orders to shoot the little buggers on site.
Unfortunately, university park, pa home of Penn state
university where I study is a much more grim situation. The place is teaming with squirrels I fear a
great many of them to be rabid. My
first estimation is about 20 squirrels per square km. Not all of these squirrels are rabid, there is a clear
distinction between the two, most of the rabid squirrel live on the west side
of campus and the not rabid squirrels on the east side. The major problems arose when they began to
attack the east side to try to gain more territory. A group of spy squirrels has formed under my control, they are
establishing them selves with the rabid squirrel and an overthrow is planned
for this spring.
In response to mission two, we've caught a rabid spy
squirrel drunk and one of the east side chipmunk bars. He was brought back to head quarters for
questioning were upon he swallowed a hand grenade and blew himself to itty-bitty
squirrelly bits to avoid questioning.
Agent 165
Mission File 1, Agent Black-Hat: Sqwerrel interrogation.
At first, the mission seemed fairly simple. Capture sqwerrel, interrogate sqwerrel,
destroy evidence (including sqwerrel).
With the aid of Rabid, my cute widdle sqwerrel-destroying cat, it would
be a snap. However, a few things went
wrong. First, Rabid was confused on the
idea of capture, and eventually she had to be removed from the ops. Without her aid, I felt that the sqwerrels
had a fair chance, something that SHOULD NOT be allowed to happen. After two fruitless days of roaming through
the woods, I finally managed to capture one of the li'l bastards. He fought like a madman, but I had come
prepared with a wire-mesh net and welding gloves. Soon after capture, he sent of a keening cry. Strange rustlings occurred in the bush, and
small glowing eyes popped out, staring at me.
I ran back to the car, but they were always there, and getting
closer. I wasn't sure I was going to
make it back to the car, but I did. Luckily,
I had come prepared. Rabid was waiting,
and she was PISSED!! Don't ever let anyone tell you that animals don't get that
time of the month. Apparently the
sqwerrels recognized her, and what was pissing her off, because one of them
made what sounded like a period joke in chitter. The sqwerrel beside the obvious guy all of a sudden turned around
and smacked him, screaming at the top of (probably) her lungs. Rabid also began to yowl at the offensive
sqwerrel. Soon the sqwerrel was
surrounded by screaming she-sqwerrels.
All of a sudden one of them blurred and when she came back into focus,
the guy sqwerrel was screaming, lying on the ground in a puddle of blood, while
holding himself. Taking advantage at
the distraction, I grabbed Rabid, jumped in the car, and drove like hell, all
the while holding myself in sympathy for the guy. Sadly, during the commotion, the captured sqwerrel managed to
escape. Since he escaped into a bunch
of PO'd female sqwerrels, however, I assume that he is no longer a threat. I must now leave, however, as my sister is
home. She is a sqwerrel mind-control subject,
and MUST NOT see this.
Agent 175
Mission report #1
I have had a local squirrel under surveillance for the past
three weeks using a cleverly placed ice cream van with fitted periscope placed
in a local forest's picnic site. The squirrel appeared to be organising a large
drey complex with several smaller squirrels. This coincides with a recent theft
of several anti-tank missile launchers from the local M.O.D. base. Although
rabid squirrels haven't been much of a problem in Kent before, I decided that
it was best to nip this particular problem in the bud before it got any
further. The squirrels were observed marching along the main road in drill
formation. Thankfully the automatic minigun system in the ice cream van works
perfectly and I was able to pleasantly redden the tarmac.
Agent 228
I managed to capture a squirrel using a trap, consisting of
a realistic looking doll of a naked woman, a healthy smear of peanut butter, a
bunch of fake acorns made of steel and a powerful electric stun gun. I tell you
now, it wasn't pretty.
Anyway, I captured the little beast and tied it to a chair
with masking tape, lots of it. That's when I began to 'question' him. At first
he wouldn't talk, but after playing the Ricky Martin album to him for several
minutes, he began to spill his guts. The only problem was, he was talking so
fast that it was hard to work it all out.
I got some hints of a new army, and something to do with a
new weapon that would wipe us out, and they are forming new clans all the time.
Before I could find out more the window smashed and the
squirrel flew backwards. I checked the body. It had been killed by a high
velocity, titanium steel coated acorn. By the looks of it, their snipers have
been practicing
Agent 126
I’m Hurt, I’m Hurt!!
I snared a rs near my back garden! Just before it died, it
whispered the words "mutation cross at sellafield". What does it
mean? Maybe it is how the rabid squirrels were formed?
I hurt my finger on the snare when removing the corpse from
within to do some testing on the genetic make up. Results @ a later date
Agent 212
Mission 1
In my local area I have found places that may have inhabited
rabid squirrels due to the weapons found in their possessions. But I have only found a total of 16 rabid
squirrels. I believe that although they are evil they still have to hibernate...
but this is not innocent hibernation, they hibernate with other squirrels to
plans their attacks. I found rabid squirrels lairs near the schoolyard and many
under the street. I have developed a detecting device to use to locate them
more easily... if you would like the plans I can send them to you.
Mission 2
Although it was difficult I have found a rabid squirrel that
I interrogated forcefully about their plans.
I am sorry but due to his threats he was killed. The second rabid squirrel I found was much
less harmful and I got more information out of him. They have a headquarters in
every state and are planning to slowly infiltrate the government’s minds with a
device they like to call an "infiltrator" I don't have any idea where
the name might have come from. He has also told me of numerous training
universities for rabid squirrels to attend to make their minds more threatening
to everyone. Lastly he told me that now that he has found that more and more
members of the RSS are coming to track them that they will be making a high
security lair somewhere in Alaska. That
is all he told me before I had to put the memory gas on him and sent home back
into the wild.
Agent 171
...and out of the lump of mud jumped the magic carrot!
Awoken from his sleep in the field, the magic carrot was angry. Seeing the
rabid squirrels, he got even angrier. Todd ran away to safety while the magic
carrot tore the rabid squirrels limb from limb and then ate the pieces. It had
saved the day!
+++ITISOVER+++
(c) Rabid Publications