Volume 7 - Issue 6
27-February-2000
Mission 3 is out today, and very dangerous it sounds too. It
has been sent to all sections, and I expect to lose many agents for the cause,
although I am sure just as many will be successful. Good luck.
The Agents Page is now on the website! This page aims to be
useful and funny, check it out to collect your weapon (I know many of you have
been waiting a long time for this complementary weapon), and many other
surprises. The Agents page is hidden to prevent none-agents entering. To find
it:
CLICK ON KING FUZZBALL'S RIGHT EYE ON THE LEADERS PAGE
A few people have been promoted this month; I might do a
page for high ranked members soon.
Finally, just a quick word to say that the lowest ever test
sore has been reached! Someone (I can't remember who) managed to get 5%! I
didn't think it was possible to get less than 15%. Needless to say, the culprit
has been shot as they were obviously a rabid squirrel. By the way, nobody has
ever got 100%, 95% is the highest. You must score half marks or higher to
become a member.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Name: Miscible Brainjuice
Availability: Fairly common
Danger Rating: High
Counter Tactics: Shoot the rabid squirrel before it nears
you.
Before the battle, the rabid squirrel medic squirts a drop
of one chemical into the left ear, and another chemical in the right ear of a
rabid squirrel. When mixed, the chemicals explode violently.
Miscible Brainjuice is a kamikaze weapon. The rabid squirrel
with the chemicals in opposite ears runs towards the enemy shaking its head from
side to side, mixing the chemicals. If timed correctly, the rabid squirrel's
head explodes when it reaches the target. It can be deadly.
Answers at the bottom of the page.
1. Who has the longest nose?
a) Acorn
b) Sly
c) Pinocchio
2. Which variety can run fastest?
a) Kamikaze
Squirrel
b) Flying Rabid
Squirrel
c) Human after
having seen the above
3. Who has the worst case of indigestion?
a) Spanner
b) The Fearsome
Gurgle
c) Human after
having eaten the above
MISSION RESULTS (1 & 2)
Probably the last batch of results, as mission 3 is out now.
Yesterday afternoon myself and my trusty feline sidekick
Floyd decided to pay a visit to our local park in search of Rabid Squirrels!!
We located a small grouping of young punk Rabid Squirrels
and whilst Floyd distracted, I managed to take out two of the four with my
older brother's pellet gun that I found in the loft after he moved away.
The other two young rogue Rabid Squirrels where unimpressed
to say the least to see what we did to their mates and quickly took charge. I
was chased by these two vicious beasts for 1/2 a mile with Floyd in hot pursuit.
Floyd managed to take out the slower of the two but could not catch up with the
other or the screaming hysterical blur that was myself as we hurtled through
the park and towards the river. By the time we reached the West Bank of the
River Dee I was to tired to run and Floyd had long ago stopped to wash himself
after the light snack he made of the third squirrel.
There I was. At collapsing point from running and in full-blown
panic as I watched the arrival of the fourth and most seriously pissed off
squirrel. This was the defining moment in the entire mission. What could I do?
Then it hit me.
I stood my ground as the squirrel flew through the air
towards my throat. I took a swift side step and the furry little critter went
flying into the cold, rushing river and began to float down stream. He swam
hard but just before he made his way to the East Bank he was spotted by a
heroic (yet unsurprisingly stupid) Labrador. The great fat mutt dove into the
water and what took place before me then was the most hideous, disgusting,
slobbery defeat of a Rabid Squirrel that I could ever hope for at the mouth of
a brainless canine.
I have given "Rex the Labrador" a medal for his
heroic act and he has been happily chewing away on it since late last night.
Agent Kate Sutton
Mission 1.
After thinking of precautions to take while scouting the
area, I came up with the idea of being a nerdy bird spotter. This was
unfortunate, due to the fact that those bloody squirrels attack anyone,
including nerds. Needless to say, I ended up in a bush after a bad shot with a
sniper rifle tried to off me. After running at high speed, I was amazingly
lucky for I came across what I can only assume to be a R.S. training ground.
(That would explain why the sniper missed, due to the fact that he was part of
the green troops on guard). After much deliberation I decided to go ahead with
mission 2, and interrogate one of the troops. I will still have to be careful,
as there are some trainers at the ground and they will be vets.
Mission 2.
Killing the sentries was the first priority, with some
reasons. First, if I just avoided them then they may be able to spot me later
on, and second the more dead squirrels the better. Having to make do with a
2" knife, due to not being issued with any weapons yet (when by the way am
I to be issued with my sniper rifle and/or uzi?) I killed 3 sentries and then 'tranquillised'
a green and not very alert rabid squirrel with a handy hammer I was carrying
for that purpose. Having dragged it back I then interrogated it. I must admit
it did not go very well at first, and then I hit upon an idea. Getting some
pliers, I wrenched out the b*****ds teeth and it talked. I asked why the base
was there and what where they planning in this area. "Why does the base
have to be that big?" was the final question I managed to get out of it.
It then squealed and (with its remaining teeth) disjointed its neck and ripped
out its own jugular. This shocked me and I am not ashamed to admit it. Also the
method of torture was not original but effective. Advice to other operatives is
to cover the mouth up or take out all the teeth. And interrogate on plastic
matting.
Info gained: The reason why the base was there is to train
squirrels in the use of weapons, mainly common ones such as the uzi and
enlarged claws. Because it's a fresh base the squirrel does not (oops, I mean
did not) think that there are any 'special weapons' there yet. The squirrel
being of no high rank did not know of any operations that are or will be put in
practice.
End of report.
Agent Bartmanekul
This morning I went outside with the intention of going for
a nice peaceful walk. I was walking
along, listening to the little birdies chirping and admiring the beautiful
scenery around me, when all of a sudden I saw a cluster of squirrels in the
trees. At first, I was like, oh, look
at the cute little squirrels. Then I
realized that these were no ordinary squirrels. These were rabid squirrels, with razor sharp fangs and little
beady eyes, and they were dangling a little innocent chipmunk upside down from
a tree branch, threatening to drop him.
Now, more than anything I wanted to attack these rabid squirrels, but I
could not risk them dropping that poor chipmunk to his certain doom below. So, I tried to think of a plan. I was baffled, how did I get these evil
creatures to leave that chipmunk alone?
I picked up a small pebble and threw it at the bottom of the tree. Then I dove into a nearby bush to hide. When the pebble made contact with the bottom
of the tree, all the squirrels stopped.
They quickly pulled the little chipmunk back up onto the branch and set
it free. They remained still, looking
around for any signs of danger.
Suddenly, my nose started itching.
Then I sneezed. All the
squirrels scampered for cover. Within
seconds, they were gone. All except for
one, that is. For some unknown reason,
one of these rabid squirrels remained in the open. I crept slowly out of my bush, grabbed a large stick, and snuck
up behind him. I raised the stick high
above my head and WHAM- bashed that sucker over the head. Now, this blow would have killed an ordinary
squirrel, but rabid squirrels have extraordinary strength, so he was just
knocked unconscious. I quickly dragged
him back to my house and into my secret lair.
When the squirrel came to, he was securely strapped into my special
squirrel electric chair. I told him to tell
me what made them vulnerable. He shook
his head. I asked him again to tell me,
or else he would receive punishment.
And can you guess what that little bastard did? He spit at me. That was the final
straw. I turned on the chair for a
short moment. I asked him to talk
again. He still wouldn't. This kept up for a while, each time I turned the
voltage up a little higher. Finally, I needed a break. I went up to my kitchen and made myself a
smore- nothing like nice gooey chocolate and marshmallows to brighten up your
mood. I brought the smore back downstairs.
As soon as I got near the squirrel, he started twitching. When I inquired about this sudden movement,
he refused to answer. I moved away, and
the twitching stopped, I moved close again, and it started. The squirrel was allergic to something in my
smore!! I took a little dab of
chocolate and wiped it on his leg.
Nothing happened. I tried the
same thing with the marshmallow. The
minute it made contact with his fur, he began squealing hysterically. I quickly wiped it off. Marshmallows made him weak!!! Now I was in
complete control. I went upstairs and
melted six cups of marshmallows in the microwave. Then I poured them into a large bowl. I brought the bowl downstairs, and took the squirrel from the
chair, making sure he was still secured into his bonding. I held him over the bowl and slowly lowered
him towards it. He begged me not to do
it. I asked him again what made rabid
squirrels weak. He still would not
answer. I dipped his feet and legs in
to the marshmallow and asked him again.
He was writhing in pain, and yet would not answer. I lowered him more and more, and finally he
was up to his chin. I asked him one
last time, and he answered, screaming All right- I'll tell you- anything but
this!!!!! He told me that in addition
to an allergy to marshmallows, rabid squirrels could also not go near mashed
potatoes. He also told me that rabid squirrels had an affinity for cream
cheese, and lost all powers of reasoning whenever they were within 20 feet of
it. He told me that squirrels could not
stand country music and went to pieces whenever it was heard. I had everything that I needed. By now the squirrel was quite weakened. I brought him outside and let him go,
knowing that he would not last long out there in his weakened state. I went back into my lair and started to
prepare a large-scale attack on the local rabid squirrels. But that's another story.
Agent Kerri
AGENT: Antrax
LOCATION: Australia (VIC)
PRIMARY MISSION OBJECTIVES: Reconnoitre in 1km radius
surrounding home base.
SUCCESS: Report back with complete description of Rabid
Squirrel infestation in the area.
MISSION LOG: I had waited until nightfall for the operation,
favouring the security that the cover of darkness had to offer. I knew that the
night would inhibit my sight but I had a feeling that something was amiss. My
dark clothing allowed me to meld with the shadows and I crept along with the
stealth of a cat.
I was lightly armed with a small knife, but I knew that if
it came to that I must fight, I would be seriously outnumbered so I didn't need
any weapons to slow my retreat.
I hadn't even scouted 300 meters from my base when I noticed
some irregularities that pointed to rabid squirrels. Of course I had to confirm
my suspicions, so I used my sniper like observational skills to track the
beasts. It only took a moment and I was at the local park, the perfect place
for a rabid squirrel lair.
By now the stench of the rabid squirrels was overwhelming.
There was no doubt in my mind that my hometown was infested to the core. I
turned to leave, I had seen enough, when something caught my eye. Up a nearby
tree I could just make out the demonic red eyes of a rabid squirrel. It
scampered down the tree and stood before me, its teeth dripping with hunger
induced saliva. I froze, never before had I witnessed such a monster. It
uttered a tremendous roar and launched itself at me. I suddenly regained my
senses just in time to dive out of the way of the bloodthirsty squirrel. It
charged at me again but this time I was ready, with a strong upward motion I
thrust my knife deep into the squirrels chest. I had stopped it only centimetres
from my throat. I withdrew the blood soaked knife and the rabid squirrel fell
to the ground with a sickening thump.
I held the knife high above my head victorious and stood on
top of my stricken foe. My first victory of many to come. But this great moment
faded quickly for the battle had disturbed a small contingent of rabid
squirrels, which were bearing down on me that moment.
There was just too many, I ran. Armour piercing acorns
zipped past my head and tore up the concrete behind me. The squirrels were fast
but I was faster. Not wishing for the rabid squirrels to discover my base of
operations I continued to dodge through streets until I was sure no enemies had
tracked me.
(VERY DEBATABLE) ANSWERS TO QUIZ
1b
2a
3b
###www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk###
(c) Rabid Publications