Volume 7 - Issue 7
26-March-2000
EDITORIAL
Yet again the structure of the RSS has been changed. This
time because I am overwhelmed with e-mails each week, and it will be a few
months yet before completely free internet access. The details are below.
Thank you for your support. (I accept cash, cheques or
golden trinkets).
The Master Hunter
Joining:
I am not replying individually to applications to join. And
I am not giving out test scores or agent numbers.
Agent Numbers:
In fact, agent numbers have been scrapped completely (as
have hotmail's useless mailing lists). You will only get an agent number upon
your first promotion.
Promotions:
Getting promoted is now easier; you just need to write one
quality article for Rabid Times (a mission or otherwise). Those of you who have
already done this, e-mail me and you will get promoted.
Contacts:
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
- For queries, completed missions, reports, etc.
www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk
- Click the ‘Contact’ button.
SLAYERS 2 (1) RABID
SQUIRRELS 4 (2)
Jones 32 Fuzzball
34, 42, 80
Hunter 84 Gurgal
61
Attendance: 12
This match was to be the highlight of the season, with the
two top soccer teams in the Rodent Division 1 clashing on the Slayers' new
pitch, Park Grave. And what a match it turned out to be, with six goals and
incidents to talk about for weeks.
Before the game, Slayers were top of the league on an
unbeaten run of five games. They got off to a good start in this match, with
the Master Hunter setting up Corporal Jones for an amazing volley, which
stunned the entire crowd. Tuffty was likewise stunned as the Master Hunter
knocked him out during the replay. The celebrations were short lived however,
with Nutter getting revenge for this by eating the Slayers' left winger,
Theobald, and then setting up Fuzzball for an equaliser.
The players were just settling down again when Fuzzball ran
the entire length of the pitch, dribbling the ball, killing those who approached
him, and scoring what must be the goal of the season.
Going into the half time break 2 - 1 down, it looked bad for
the Slayers. It was only to get worse in the second half, when after a good
spree of passing and control, (The Fearsome) Gurgle ate the ball. Gurgle then
proceeded to run across the goal line, scoring as the ball also crossed the
line.
Twenty minutes later Fuzzball kicked Gurgle into the goal,
getting a hat trick. This pleased him immensely. Fuzzball's victory
celebrations seemed to involve killing Henryson, Slayers’ goalie.
As a small compromise, Hunter scored towards the end of the
game, making the final score 4-2 to the Rabid Squirrels. The Rabid Squirrels
now move to the top of the league, and with some injury problems the future looks
bleak for the Slayers.
Teams:
Slayers - Henryson (DECEASED), Theobald (DECEASED), Jones
(DECEASED), Archer (DECEASED), Hunter (6) C
Rabid Squirrels - Tuffty (5), Nutter (6), Acorn (5),
Fuzzball (9) C, Gurgle (7)
Ref - none
In my valiant attempt to infiltrate a rabid squirrel’s base,
I have encountered serious difficulties. At first, all seemed well. I was
initiated by a squirrel named or codenamed) Franklin. At least I thought it was
initiation. In actual fact, the squirrels were mocking me as they watched from
behind screens as I carried out such initiation ceremonies as 'spitting on
pictures of humans' and 'pulling the legs off normal squirrels'. Luckily I have
found that they have a communications centre, which I have infiltrated to bring
you this report. I only pray that I can be rescued before my captors are able
to extract a hideous revenge on me. But do not fear, 'Liberty or Death' is my
motto to the Slayers.
Agent Lee Fletcher
After translating 1km into miles, I began my search of my surrounding
area. Living in New Jersey, the terrain is very distinct. The environment
consists of several degrees, they go as following:
1. Sand flats: these areas were very unproductive, I found
no Rabid Squirrels in this type of terrain.
2: The woods. The woods consist of dense trees, briars and
vines. A very big hot spot for rabid squirrels. I discovered a total of 15
rabid squirrels here. Sand flats are usually always bordered by woods, leaving
you surrounded by rabid squirrels.
3: swamps: swamps in Jersey are just flooded woods. They are
also very full of rabid squirrels, but not as much as the dry woods. I found a
total of 9 Rabid Squirrels here. 4: Suburbia: these are neighbourhoods. I found
1 Rabid Squirrel here; he was being very inconspicuous, probably on a scouting
mission as well.
As a total, I found 25 Rabid Squirrels in my surrounding
area. I am awaiting further instructions
on what to do. It is obvious that I have not accounted for all squirrels in my
area, there could be many, many more. Keep me posted on further instructions
and info.
Agent Lebowski
I have completed mission 3a. The important documents say
that they plan to attack rats to make them all rabid so they become the rabid
squirrels and rats and are even more powerful and can take over the world and
make the whole world into tribes of rabid creatures. They plan to do this on Easter
day when everyone is powerless to stop them, as they are too full of chocolate.
Agent lallycw
After taking my "Free Rabid Squirrel Costume"
voucher to several area costume shops with no success, I proceeded to develop
my own Rabid Squirrel costume. After sewing the pelts of several rabid, and non-rabid
squirrels, I constructed a somewhat, shabby looking disguise. My legs weren't
covered, so I put on an old pair of army fatigues, hoping the squirrels
wouldn't notice. After arming myself with my hunting knife, my pistol crossbow,
a quiver of 2-dozen arrows and binoculars, I was off to the Rabid Squirrel
Lair, a cleverly disguised clump of oak trees, strewn with briars and vines.
I slowly approached the HQ, and noticed much rabid squirrel
activity. They all looked at me for a brief moment, but went about their
evilness as if I wasn't there. The entrance was well defended, as a mess of
briars inhibited my movements greatly. Alas! The HQ was located underground!
After crawling through a maze of ill-smelling tunnels, I came upon a dimly lit
room, full of file cabinets. I found the cabinet with the lock on it, and broke
it off with my knife. Finding the file with the freshest date, I took it out
and quickly looked over it. I hit the money. The file revealed plans for both a
new, high tech weapon, and the plans to overrun un-rabid squirrels, and convert
them to become Rabid. The mission is expected to go underway starting April
4th, 2000. We must warn our friends, the non-rabid squirrels.
The 2nd part of the file contained the plans for the
"Squirrel Cannon". It is a cannon that launches a live squirrel,
covered in armour piercing equipment, to penetrate enemy strongholds, and
attack with no remorse. Scary stuff. Looks highly dangerous.
Agent Owl King
Getting the costume was no problem... the problem came when
I tried to fit into the burrow! So I dug my own tunnel. I convinced the guards that I had gotten this
big due to a combination of glandular problems and radiation. They still seemed sceptical however that I
was truly rabid and not just a git. So I twisted the guard's head off. That seemed to convince the others that I
meant business. I became chummy with as
many of the more important looking ones as would let me. They started referring to me as "Big
Larry" for some reason. I learned
some very interesting things other than just what was in the documents, such
as: they are slowly infiltrating the paintball community because they have
found that the paint gives them extra strength and makes their fur virtually
impermeable to just about everything (except chewing gum).
What I found in the documents:
Mostly old grocery lists, laundry tags, coupons for peanut
butter, that sort of thing. Oh, and the schematics for a nuclear device they
are building but other than that nothing.
B.S. D.
I am a new member to the RSS. On my first search for rabid
squirrels in Southampton Common I experienced a terrible ordeal. As you may
expect, I am a mere novice to the art of squirrel hunting. This almost led to
my death. I am currently in hospital; the only properly working parts of my
body are my fingers and my arms. I am also blind and having to use a specially
adapted brail keyboard. This is what happened to me:-
On the 12th of March 2000, I was cunningly trying to
infiltrate a Rabid Squirrel base. I had decided to make use of the 'digging
mole', as I had spotted two rabid squirrels hiding in shrubbery close by. Under
the cover of darkness I began to dig. I dug slowly and quietly for 3 hours,
every now and again resurfacing to gain my bearings. When I broke through,
behind the two snipers, I farted. They immediately turned around and held me at
gunpoint whilst they fetched their commander. After failing to bluff my way to
freedom I was spat on with acid. Drop bombs started to fall around me. I had
discovered the largest base in Hampshire. Only by crawling into my cunningly
hidden rabid squirrel suit did I manage to avoid death. I was discovered the
next day by the police, nearly dead. But do not worry. I claimed that I had a fetish
for animal style clothing and was savagely beaten up by small Bengali children.
Agent Tom "Almost Dead" Cox
Recently, while running, some friends of mine chased a
squirrel out of a tree and into the street where it was brutally ran over by a
car. Moments later, they heard
squeaking from the tree. They looked up
there and found three baby squirrels.
Feeling sorry for the babies, and possibly delusional, they decided to take
the babies with them to school where they had the science teacher help nurse
the babies back to health. Having the
inside knowledge, I saw the signs early and knew that they were rabid. After school, I snuck into the science lab,
where I shoved one baby down the garbage disposal drain, and I fed one to the
class snake. Before I could take care
of the last one, the Biology teacher walked in, holding a very powerful looking
squirrel. She drew a gun out and
shot. Thinking quickly, I threw the
squirrel at the gun and it splattered all over the room. I then took off sprinting out of the
room. I haven’t seen the Biology
teacher, or the unidentified squirrel, since.
Agent Evan
I went on my excursion to find any Rabid Squirrels in my
area armed with a paint ball gun and the paper cut device provided to me by the
new Agents section of the web page. I
noticed the first of my many sightings when I beheld a normal looking squirrel
devouring a whole nest of normal squirrels.
When I saw this I immediately that this must be a disguised rabid
squirrel on the hunt. I then took it
out, saving two of the three innocent young squirrels that were under
attack. I then tracked the prints of
the rabid squirrel to the place that I assumed was his hideout.
There was a multitude of Rabid Squirrels there working and receiving
assignments I then rushed home knowing that if I tried to attack I would be
overwhelmed. I am planning an attack
for sometime next weekend with a friend who will soon become an agent.
Agent Drummermand16
Whilst out walking one sunny day, I happened to find one of
these hairy critters roaming around. I
followed it and found to my surprise another 7 of them. This appears to be the maximum around my
area after all, I spent all of my waking hours looking.
I have the power of poetry and sat there for a while just
reciting the most boring poem, and of course they could not stand it so when
they gave in and started falling, I suffocated them with a bread bag and a
shopping trolley! It was a gruelling 10
minutes of my life but I came through.
The thing is.............there may be some more!!!!!!!!
Agent Cashedw
Upon walking to the park I decided to take a different route
one that people told me not to take, when I was walking down the secluded path I
heard a rustling in a tree, I quickly took cover behind a tree and got out my
trusty budget 8ox60mm paper defence weapon. And having remembered something
from the tactics page I decided to do the cunning fox, so I jumped out and
called him an sadistic Barbara Striesand fan... this got him mad so I ran for
cover, while I was hiding the squirrel started to use his nose and tried
sniffing me out so I quickly ran all the way around and ended up behind him, I
quickly then jumped on him and with a hell of a lot of determination I tied him
up and dragged him back for interrogation. When I got him home I decided to try
and get as much information out of him as possible so I first started by using
the old Chinese method of using pressure points on his body to try to get him
to tell me how many are there and to my surprise I couldn't find any pressure
points at all. So I thought why don't I try the drop dead Fred style so I very
cleverly harpooned him through the head and hit him on the head with a hammer
until he told me.2 hours later the little git urinated on my floor, so to get
my revenge I put on a cd of Daniel O’Donnell music, as soon as that happened he
tried committing suicide but I said if you tell me what I want I’ll let you go
he said ok so he told me there was 2 units of flying squirrels and 3 lots of
mutants along with the standard amount of normal rabid squirrels... but I
didn't keep my promise instead I thought that I might as well slit his throat
with my standard issue 80x60 mm paper auto reloading weapon and I did! Cor they ain't half got a lot of blood
haven't they?
Agent Dunne
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(c) Rabid Publications