Volume 7 - Issue 8
17-April-2000
Welcome to the final issue of Rabid Times...
...in this volume. I had you worried for a second though.
If you feel you deserve a promotion, and have written a
decent article for Rabid Times, e-mail theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk.
A number of people have already taken up this offer, which stands until the end
of the month.
I have slightly updated the Agent's Page on the website, but
if you visit this month I recommend the redeveloped webcam, which is amazing!
Go to www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Is anyone interested in buying the RSS webpage for £1,000,000?
The Master Hunter
DEATH BY EATING
Name: Donut of Doom
Availability: Common (in public areas)
Danger Rating: Moderate
Counter Tactics: Eat before the fight/ Tape mouth shut
The rabid squirrels purchase or make donuts, then sprinkle
some powdered poison on top. With a small amount of skill these donuts can be
thrown, frisbee style towards the enemy. If the rabid squirrel is a good shot
then the donut can be thrown into the target's mouth. If the shot is missed
then the gluttonous human will eat the donut anyway, and perish.
The rabid squirrels have spent a while developing this cruel
weapon of temptation, but with a little strong will, you'll be fine. Right, I'm
hungry...
QUINTUPLICATIVE QUIZ
If you HAD to eat ONE of the following, what would it be?
a) a (live)
piranha
b) a donut
of doom
c) your
left arm
d) a (dead)
rabid squirrel
e)
strawberry ice-cream
If you HAD to be eaten by ONE of the following, what would
it be?
a) a (live) piranha
b) a man
eating donut of doom
c) your
left arm
d) a (not
dead) rabid squirrel
e) the
strawberry ice-cream flavoured monster
Answers at the bottom.
FISH DON'T DRINK
It was a calm day as I was swimming along (as I do, being a
fish and that) when I noticed a bit of fur jumping from tree to tree. At first I thought "AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
We are being overrun by bits of fur that jump from tree to tree" (as you
would). Then I realised it was only a
rabid squirrel. CRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!! Then remembering my training for the
"Royal Aquatic Guard, Protectors of The King Prawns" I slipped on my
patented rabid hamster disguise and decided to go down the pub but remembered
fish don't drink. So I went for the
next best thing, not a fry-up, I decided to kill that vermin. After killing Cliff Richard I returned to
the spot that I saw the squirrel and waited for it's return. Notice it's so not to be sexist. Anyway, after about 3 to 4 hours it
returned, boy was it big. I pulled out
my secret weapon (don't get kinky), my semi-automatic cock-(I said don't get
kinky)roach launcher. With one almighty
screech the squirrel fell out of the tree with 8 cockroaches latched to it's
neck. I then ate it to get rid of all
the evidence.
Agent Dorack
The Fish
I recently printed out the paraphernalia from the webpage
and am now carrying it around with my checks (cheques...he?), phone card and
such. I also employed the member handshake, which is quite simple. Thank you for that. Now some news: Last week I went to Zion National Park. (Located in Southern
Utah.) While taking the Angel's Landing
hike, which requires clinging desperately to chains to reach the summit, I came
across some chipmunks. These were not
ordinary chipmunks. These were eat your
snacks, run across your shoe, block your path, RABID chipmunks. Yep. These delightful creatures were stalking us
in hopes of gaining our provisions.
While eating a granola bar at a not too terrifying point on the trail, a
group of rambunctious chipmunks jumped me, grabbed the snack, tied my shoelaces
together and shoved me off the side of the trail where I plummeted to my
death!!!!!!!! Well, maybe I
exaggerated that a bit, but still, the sightings continue in the National
Parks.
Big Slayer Jenn K.
I first realized the presence of the rabid squirrels when I
haphazardly stumbled upon your site. I
was shocked and appalled at the existence of such rank examples of filthy
vermin. I joined immediately and went on
the prowl for some squirrels.
At first the going was slow, as all of the squirrels that I
saw lacked both characteristics of an infected squirrel: the red eyes and
pointy fangs. It continued as this with
normal, friendly squirrels until I saw a red flash out of the corner of my
eye. When I turned it was gone, but I
knew that something was definitely going on.
It was getting dark, so I went home and slept – early bird gets the
rabid squirrel.
I arose at 6:30 in the morning, well rested and bloodthirsty. I was determined to take some squirrels
out. I had my paper cut administering
device packed, and with a deadly variation.
I found out from a friend that the rabid squirrels in this area were
highly allergic to peanut butter, so I super-condensed some into a clear
liquid, and laced the end of my already-lethal weapon with it. I was definitely ready. I walked out of my house, and today I could
tell that the activity of rabid squirrels was increasing. Apparently, they had systematically
converted all of the other squirrels on my street to be squirrels of the rabid
type, bad news for me. I was chased
home and knew that I needed to get some recruits.
I began to email my friends, and soon, I had recruited 4
fellow squirrels slayers. Mason – The
Ugly Footed, Will – The Mad Rambler, Newt – Ersatz Jesus, and Jimmy – The
Straight-Edge B***h. They were all
eager to help me since I had given them all cool nicknames. We started down my street, as that is the
only street in town where Fuzzball had gotten to, all packed with our peanut
butter paper cutters, ready to take some squirrels down. We were all sneaking down the street and
rabid squirrels are crafty. The
squirrel came lunging down the tree, as they immediately knew what was going on
and sent in an assassin. Although it
was an ambush, Jimmy used his lightning fast reflexes to slice the squirrel
into bite-sized pieces, and none of the rest of us even knew what
happened. As we continued down the
street everything was quiet. Either the
squirrels were apprehensive from Jimmy’s paper brutality, or they were very
clever. We continued down the street
cautiously.
As we neared the end of the street, a gigantic squirrel
jumped out. This squirrel was at least
15 feet tall. We were all quite scared,
and Jimmy wet himself. The squirrel
revealed himself as “Bob” and told us to drop our weapons or die. We weren’t about to be taken out like
suckers, so we decided to fight back.
Will started off by telling a story about how he once stubbed his toe on
a lawnmower, which thoroughly confused the huge, yet stupid squirrel. Mason then hopped in and shoved his ugly
feet into the squirrels face; the squirrel was repulsed and fell on his back. Jimmy then hopped on and started poking the
squirrel. After this, we all closed in
a papercutted the bejesus out of him, and he slowly puffed up and exploded. All
of the formerly rabid squirrels immediately returned to their cute fluffy
state, as this strain of rabies appears to be vampire-esche, and all was well. All of the slayers went home satisfied, and
laid down for a beautiful night of sleep.
Agent Nate Mercer
After obtaining the squirrel costume, which went well,
(thanks for the voucher guys), I began my long and arduous search for the main
headquarters in my area. Luckily, I do not live in a heavily populated and
large area, so I was not given *many* beatings whilst wandering around
aimlessly in my costume. After searching for an hour or two, I discovered a
large wooden building in the middle of a deserted park which looked as though
it housed the rabid squirrel HQ, also, there was a large neon sign on the door
saying "RABID SQUIRREL HQ", which kind of gave it away. I began to
look for a way into the building, and eventually decided on going through the
front door. The guards, two hulking great brutes of squirrels, looked at me
rather suspiciously, and asked if I had my 'identification papers'. This rather
frightened me, as I did not have the aforementioned papers, but I managed to
fashion some from bamboo and chewing gum, which seemed to fool them. Once
inside, I began wandering around, finally coming across a room marked
"Secret Meetings". I entered and sat down, watching. After a while I
gathered that the squirrels were meaning to fashion small microchips and insert
them into the brain stem of high ranking politicians and the like, thus
controlling their actions and using them for their own devious means. I got up
and left, getting home safely and uneventfully.
Agent Michael
Rugby, 31st March. My story concerns a particularly sick and
cowardly attack by the rabid squirrels at a local playground. I spotted them attacking children on a
roundabout. With no obvious form of
cover it was obvious that the eagle eyed wasn't on the cards and the charging
rhino was right out. I used the digging
mole technique to find a useful position under the climbing frame. This was to be my weapon of attack. I used my drilling equipment to shatter the
concrete bases on the frame and toppled the metal structure over and thus
crushed one rabid squirrel immediately to its death and the second died minutes
later with a metal bar sticking through its head. This, however, only led to the deaths of 14 children what must be
an acceptable casualty level after the death of 2 rabid squirrels.
Agent Roberts.
As a new member of the Rabid Squirrel Slayers, I have
finally completed Mission One. Don't
look at me like that, it's not my fault.
Calculating the number of Rabid Squirrels in Fair Oaks was difficult, as
I have no independent transportation.
Well, I was forced to use my street as the "average RS
population counter" for my studies.
I found that most Rabid Squirrels do not go near busy streets, for fear
of being recognized and run over. So,
as an approximate number, I calculate the current Rabid Squirrel population in
my area to be at least 20 per square kilometre.
Also, I think I have found a Clay Pigeons breeding
ground. I've actually had eyewitness
accounts of these evil-looking birds attacking the normal (if disgusting)
trash-eater gulls on campus. Back
behind the gym, in every third beam from the western end of the building to the
eastern end, you can hear the cooing of Clay Pigeons. Please, if anyone has further information on Clay Pigeons, inform
me (Agent Sakura, dragonshadow2727@aol.com) immediately.
I am happy to report that on March 28 I saw two Rabid
Squirrels go down under the tires of the family truck. March 31: My dog, Sub-Agent Casey, ate one
squirrel, presumed rabid.
As it is, I hope that I (and, unwittingly, my family) have
been successful in furthering the victory for humankind in this underground
war.
Agent Sakura
"If, by dying, I can slow the tide of rabid squirrel
infiltration I accept death openly."
BLOODY CARCASS
I witnessed a brutal slaying of a wild bird outside my house today a large squirrel attacked it and started eating it like a human would eat a cob of corn this was all done in the tree outside my house after dropping the bloody carcass the squirrel climbed down the tree and continued up my sidewalk to eat the bird seed on the fence it still had chunks of bloody bird meat on its fur after munching on the seed it left my yard and ran down the street I think it will be back I don’t think it was rabid but it was hungry possibly because of the early spring we had here in Winnipeg, Canada. Wow, what a site, I will have to buy some film and wait until it strikes again.
robert t (not member)
Approximately five years ago when I first moved within
minutes of town, the first problem that I had was the abundance of cats. They
would eat vegetables out of the garden and shit on the porch, so I purchased a
large mole trap and placed catfood within. After six week's of trapping, a
total of nineteen cats had been disposed of. A neighbour told me that they all
went to heaven. Then came the squirrels. The population was growing
dramatically and they persisted to chew a hole into the attic. So I bated the
same trap with nut's and have since caught nineteen. They are some fierce
creatures, but I found this method to work quite well. Give it a try.
Agent JimAK
I was searching my local grocery store when in the frozen
produce aisle I spotted a strange creature.
It kind-of looked like a cross between a rat and a rabid squirrel. I did some research and found that other
sightings of this rabid "scrat" are becoming more and more
common. I believed that it would be incredible
important to document this new bread of rabid squirrel, so I have taken it upon
myself to search the whole country for this terrifying creature. I'm awaiting orders to do so.
Other than that I have found 23.5 rabid squirrels in my area
(the half was when I was savagely attacked and was forced to bite its head
off). Keep me posted.
Agent QuickDraw
I have decreased the RABID SQUIRRELS population by 1000. One
of the little b*****ds ripped my arm off but I Pulled His TESTICLES off and fed
them to a cat, another bit my legs off but I prised his skull open and munched
on his brains, I need more agents to help me fight them in Bristol (the RABID
SQUIRREL county) please send sexy women agents to aid me in my quest for glory!
I must go because I am bleeding from my wounds
A few days later...
A funny thing happened when I was walking down the street on
the remainders of my legs I passed a park and 35 Rabid squirrels jumped me and
started gnawing at my face. Luckily I had my M16. 15 of them got it straight
away, 10 of them lost limbs, and 2 ran away. The rest I was left with were now attacking
my stumps and I was out of ammo, damn, so I pulled out my pig stabber (Knife)
and took another 5 out. The last 2 started to run, so I picked what was left of
me hotwired the nearest car which happened to be a TANK! As I started the engine
up, 1 run under my track and the other ran up a tree so I raised the barrel and
blew the f****r and the Tree SKY HIGH, later when I was down the pub a squirrels
head came flying down from the sky and landed in this woman’s lap. Hearing my
story she walked over and I got slapped.
POBBANATOR
QUIZ ANSWERS
If you HAD to eat ONE of the following, what would it be?
a) a (live) piranha - it would eat you from the inside - 0
points
b) a donut of doom - you would be poisoned - 0 points
c) your left arm - OW - 0 points
d) a (dead) rabid squirrel - you need to get used to the
taste - 1 point
e) strawberry ice-cream - containing the strawberry
ice-cream flavoured monster? - 0 points
If you HAD to be eaten by ONE of the following, what would
it be?
a) a (live) piranha - eaten bit by bit, OW - 0 points
b) a man eating donut of doom - the man must be poisoned
therefore incapable of eating you - 1 point
c) your left arm - I can't picture this one - 0 points
d) a (not dead) rabid squirrel - you're a stupidhead - 0
points
e) the strawberry ice-cream flavoured monster - this thing
is vicious! - 0 points
If you disagree with any of the above answers, then feel
free to do absolutely nothing.
Score:
0-2 points - You call yourself a cook? You are hopeless.
3+ points - You are obviously a person of intelligence (or a
cheat). I apologise for this appalling quiz.
"""the end"""
(c) Rabid Publications