Volume 8 - Issue 1
25-June-2000
After a short (yeah right) delay, here is Rabid Times volume 8. Feel free to send in stories you have written. At the moment there is quite a backlog of articles, so if yours is not in this issue, don't panic. The next issue will be sent in a couple of weeks.
To accompany the new volume are a couple of changes to the website, most notably the forum. This bug-ridden message board seemed a good idea at the time, but it keeps breaking. Rabid squirrel interference I expect.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Many of the top RSS Agents (including myself) are scientists. This regular column will keep you up to date on all our inventions, no matter how useless.
The Master Hunter
Oak Tank
We have finished experimenting with this vehicle now, and have commissioned it for official use. The tank is made from a single oak tree, cut down at the base and hollowed out. Titanium tracks are then added to the bottom of the trunk (grease can be used instead) to allow motion of the vehicle. Next, all the acorns in the branches are painted with a slow working poison. A vision slit is cut in the front of the tree, an agent placed inside, and the oak tank is ready for battle.
Rabid squirrels do not recognise the oak tank as an enemy, so it can easily proceed (top speed = 0.44m/s) deep into their territory. If a rabid squirrel does take a shot at the oak tree, the thick wood armour should protect the Agent within.
Rabid squirrels eat. They enjoy human flesh most, but use acorns in a similar way to appetisers. The rabid squirrels climb the oak tank and feast on the acorns. The slow working poison will not works until most of the acorns have gone, then slowly the rabid squirrels die. The oak tank trundles off to destroy another colony.
Whilst wandering aimlessly around the Royal Botanical Gardens of Edinburgh (my home town's most famous park, notorious for the Little Fuzzy Ones), I happened to glance over to a nearby tree and see a small set of glowing red eyes and dripping fangs laughing in a particularly evil manner.
Struck with a sudden sense of panic, I decided to go undercover and do what I could to halt the tide. Now wearing a large 6' squirrel suit with extra-bushy tail, I sat "inconspicuously" on a park bench at sundown, casually filing my nails and waiting for them to strike. Slowly, the unmistakable thump-thump of a ritual tom-tom drum was heard: a small procession of rabid squirrels were them seen to walk slowly up the path towards the glasshouses, carrying with them a swooning female non-rabid squirrel in a little white dress.
Outraged that the evilness of the little bastards had sunk to the depths of virgin sacrifice, I could hold back no longer. Uttering a loud "graaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" I rushed at them, encumbered slightly by my 'undercover' squirrel suit. Surprising them a little, I was quickly able to stake three of them through the heart in a Buffy-esque manner, kick-boxed the other five to the ground and whipped out a .22 to finish them off.
My mission completed, I waddled home, secure in the knowledge that eight rabid squirrels could terrorise us no longer..........
Agent Jack
Last Monday, I was going about my daily routine of washing in the local river, when I saw two green eyes staring at me through the bushes. At first I thought nothing of it. Then it dawned on me. AGGGGGHHHHH!! I ran out of the river as fast I could. Butt-naked, I ran through the woods and to my quite secluded home. I looked out of the window, and the thing had vanished. Thank God. I remembered about my clothes. My wallet in was in my trouser pocket! The little creatures no know where I live.
That night, I was unable to sleep, fearing for my life. So I decided to do a bit of surveillance work, so, in the likely (at the time) event of my death, other slayers would know where my local RSHQ was. Following the corpse with telltale squirrel marks (Acid-Phlegm Burns, absent heads etc...) I was quickly led to the murky part of the wood.
I peered over a log (as I was hiding), and I saw about 100 robot squirrels. I was really scared. They were about 7ft tall, and built like a brick-shit-house. I saw the squirrel engineers placing circuit boards in them. Using my portable palm-top....................
To be continued.
Agent Ellz
After many long, hard, gruelling hours of scouting around my dainty subdivision, and using a keen eye to spot the ever-illusive evil rabid squirrel, I had come to find out that within a one kilometre or mile radius of my house, there are approximately two rabid squirrels, both of the grenadier persuasion. I will now attempt to retell the chilling tale. I would never wish such an encounter as I had upon any civilian or the like; only trained RSS members should read the following.
I was scouting around a nearby pond, when unbeknownst to me, nowhere but above me in the weeping willow tree a rabid squirrel was plotting to assassinate me. I was a bit confused as to how he knew I was part of the RSS clan, (after he had thrown a peculiar object at me that to this day I do not know what it was), which is why rabid squirrels' intelligence levels should never be underestimated. After a quick deception manoeuvre, I through the squirrel off guard, and was able to temporarily retreat to a nearby patch of bushes. I quickly scrolled through my mind the best tactic to exterminate the two beastly creatures. Since I had no readily available access to a sniper rife, there was no debris to pull a charging rhino attack, and I had no tools for digging, I pursued cunning fox. In a nutshell, I was able to attract the attention of both of the rabid squirrels then quickly run around and attempt to stab them in the backs. Try as I might, one of them outsmarted me, and escaped, yet I came out the victorious one in the fact that I slayed the other (the one that originally threw the peculiar object at me), unmercifully.
What I had to do in the above paragraph was an experience of a lifetime, that can't be described by normal feelings. I hope all who read this appreciate these acts that are going on all across the world at this very time. I hope everyone who reads this realizes that such problems in our world can/do exist. Be safe, be happy, be heroic, may the power of the RSS be with you all
Agent Evan Rodich
I would like to inform you at HQ of an independent covert attack on a Squirrel base by me. Since my 7th grade teacher told the class that a poem could say more than a book could, I would like to give a rundown of the mission in Haiku format. It went as follows:
There were many squirrels.
Horrid brawl with one winner,
covered in squirrel blood.
Wasn't it amazing, with the bear trap, and the
rocket launcher and all? Wow. I still wonder
how I got out of there alive. ;-)
Agent Thomas
I am back with bionic arms and legs made by skynet and the other day when relaxing with my two birds and watching the revenge of the tomato people a squirrel jumped through my window screaming DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! So I was caught unaware, by this rabid squirrel carrying a BAZOOKA I had nothing to defend myself with so I picked up the remote control for the TV and threw that at him as this distracted him for a second I ran to my bathroom storage cupboard and grabbed a gattling gun next to my toothbrush, had a wiz and waited for the door to open, my bionic arm twitched the door flew open he walked in and I FILLED HIM FULL OF LEAD.
After the smoke had settled I looked at a pile of smouldering mess on the floor, It sprang to life this was no ordinary squirrel it was a super rabid squirrel it was now shouting "YOU KILLED MY MUM!" it went for me and my bionic arm is now pulling the trigger and is stuck so avoiding this I ripped it off and ran with the squirrel and bullets chasing my ass. I managed to reach the kitchen were I keep some kyptonite and grabbing the squirrel by the throat I rammed the kyptonite down it's throat then watching it scream and die I noticed I needed the toilet! So afterwards I used the squirrel to wipe my ass, and went back to watching the TV.
Agent Richard Tippet
A week ago I saw a funny little cat in a tree. When I turned around to look in the mirror, it took of its head and it was a rabid squirrel! It saw me though, and ripped a portion of my brain out, but I'm recovering. The other day I saw the same squirrel with binoculars! It ran off and then I ran into my room and got my silenced HK G3A3 with ammo feed cylinder and infra-red scope, and my samurai sword, and a .50 Desert Eagle. I followed her to the local squirrel HQ (oh yeah I forgot to tell you; now I got a squirrel suit on.) I found out they may get blue-footed boobys on their side & also maybe even giant squid & moby dick & POKEMON & Microsoft!!!!!!!!!
Well anyway I killed them all by knocking them out, dragging them into a dark alley and eating them whole but I got my kidneys taken out by another RSS agent (I showed him I knew the secret handshake but he wouldn’t believe me) so I’m in the hospital and once I get a new kidney ill start on my next mission!
Mister hOnKyPiE
I am Emperor Josh, ruler of the Land of Rabid Wombats. Although we are indeed rabid, it is a good kind of rabid. A sensible kind of rabid. The kind of rabid that any mother would want to have as their child. We have had a few occurrences with rabid squirrels wearing wet suits and goggles that live in the sewers, and have decided that we don't like them. The Church of Small, Rabid, Furry Woodland Creatures has become so displeased with the rabid squirrels that they have excommunicated them. We the People of the Land of Rabid Wombats have chosen to eliminate the rabid squirrels in any way possible, excluding the use of a weak plot device. That's just too easy. But we are all ready to do battle with our Nerf (TM) weapons, and with our Swiss army lightsabers (Which can be used for many other things)
I am not alone in my decision to destroy the rabid squirrels. One of my close friends, Empress Christina, the Ruler of the Realm of Rabid Chipmunks (You have to roll the R's) has agreed that, because of the border wars between her realm and that of the squirrels, that she will accept any help she can get. Also with me in my decision is the only Rabid Bunny in the world, Austin, the only rabid alligator in the world, Ryan, and the Ruler of the Rabid Kitties (That's baby cats) Lindsay, as well as many other animals that don't like the idea of rabid squirrels wearing wet suits and goggles.
Christina, Lindsay and I each have our respective armies of 5 and 1/2 rabid animals, each ready to die and be reincarnated in the Great Styrofoam Cup of Reincarnation. We are each ready to do our parts and eliminate the rabid squirrels, including using our Acorn-Seeking SMART bombs and plastic acorns with C-4 inside. We also have a crazy munitions expert who at this moment is working on some form of long-range nuclear weapon capable of curing rabies.
I hope that we can work together for a worthy cause.
Emperor Josh, ruler of the Land of Rabid Wombats.
---It's over. You can go home now.---
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