Volume 8 - Issue 2
9-July-2000
After watching/playing hours of football/tennis/cycling
recently, I began to wonder if the rabid squirrels participated in any physical
recreation. So I popped off down to the local rabid squirrel base and,
conjuring up my binoculars, I watched how the squirrels whiled away the long
summer hours. What I saw was a pretty unique experience. The rodents seemed to
be preparing for the Rabid Squirrel Olympics (to be held in Koala Treetop
Stadium, Sydney). Many events are expected, but these rabid squirrels were practising
the shooting range (the targets were stuffed human dummies, the rabid squirrels
were unbelievably accurate) and 100m freestyle swimming (naturally, in blood).
The Olympics should kick off in a few months. Tickets
available from Sly Backstabber, at a very reasonable price of 3 acorns each.
Expect an in depth preview soon.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Laser-Guided Acorn-Seeking SMART Bomb
Why bother with an explanation with a name like that? Where
do I begin...
Launched from a secret underground base (details in 'Yellow
Pages') with a pre-programmed destination and flight-path, the rocket knows its
mission before taking off. Cleverly, to prepare for unexpected obstacles, the
rocket also scans the land within a mile radius for anything in its path. When
the rocket arrives at its destination, it still does not yet explode. Instead,
the 'acorn sensors' in the nose cone search the area for rabid squirrels. If
none are around, the rocket hides behind a bush and waits. As soon as a rabid
squirrel is spotted, the rocket explodes, killing it.
As you can imagine, this device is extremely technologically
advanced. Every military institute in the world wants this weapon, and it will
affect the entire planet's wars.
However, it is purely fictional.
Vaccine Launcher
Back down to earth, here we have a much more plausible
weapon. A form of blowgun, the vaccine launcher is a hollow tube of wood. At
one end of the tube is placed a greased syringe containing the vaccine. The
user points the tube at the enemy, blows sharply, and fires the syringe -
injecting the rabid squirrel with the vaccine.
Of course, the only cure for rabies is death, so the vaccine
consists of an extremely effective poison.
Next issue=> The ASAP (Anti-Squirrel Armour-Plated)
Vehicle!
Concept: Agent Josh
Text: The Master Hunter
Upon completion of Mission Number 1 (Evaluation of the Rabid
Squirrel population in my area) I feel it is my duty to inform you that I am
BLOODY WORRIED! I expected to find no
more than 23.5 squirrels, as appears to be the average for medium populated
rural areas, but no! Utilising the Digging Mole I was able to secure a vantage
point just below a large oak tree, where I expected the majority of the
creatures to be hiding. I was not
disappointed. Within 12 minutes of
setting up I was the subject of a cowardly attack by a group of 37 Rabid
Squirrels! Taking advantage of the fact
that I was up to my waist in earth, the evil little rodents used strips of
spaghetti to tie my hands together.
'Ha!' I thought, 'The unintelligent animals have used pasta, which I
shall break through with no difficulty.'
It was at that point that I fully understood the danger that these
rodents pose. They had used extreme
cunning and intelligence and had over cooked the pasta, leaving it tough and
therefore impossible to break.
Luckily I was able to escape, by tempting some small
earthworms over using the long-forgotten art of toe tapping. I was able to communicate my situation to
them, and they chewed through the pasta with their razor-sharp (or otherwise)
teeth.
After this episode, I would advise all agents of the RSS to
learn the art of toe tapping, as it may prove invaluable to their
survival. I would personally recommend
'Toe-Tapping and Me' by I. Diot.
Angry Trapper Ferguson
I remember one time when me and munky (my long serving
sidekick) were in college doing our work (a long time ago) when a bunch of Super
Sadistic squirrel b*****d commandos (whew!) kicked the door in. Everybody
except me and munky fainted so we whipped out our Uzi's which we carried for
protection (you know college is a dangerous place!) and gunned 25 of the
b*****ds down, unfortunately the 15 that were left had flamethrowers, and
cooked munky's hair.
Now the bold munky had to fight alone as I was taken prisoner,
he ran after all 15 of the b*****ds and ripped their heads off and spat on
their spines saving me and the day. He later had a hair transplant off a
baboon.
Agent Richard Tippet
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(c) Rabid Publications