Volume 8 - Issue 3
18-August-2000
As you may remember, the RSS Mission 4 was to invent a
device for use against the rabid squirrels. There was an excellent response, so
this issue of Rabid Times has been dedicated to your creations. Any other
articles I have will be saved for the next issue. The best invention was Old
Sock... by Rob Dordan, so he will be promoted to the rank of Big Slayer.
I have made a couple of additions to the webpage. The first
is the 'Rabid Squirrel Detector' [no longer in place], and the second is the
Gallery of Blood at www.RabidSquirrels.co.uk.
Both are amazing.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Lately I have been spending most of my research time trying
to incorporate today's technology into the war against the squirrels. After spending three days straight in my lab
I created the perfect weapon against the squirrels. I call it the "Old sock dressed like a female squirrel and a
pistol". The weapon consists of
two separate parts. The first part is
an old sock dressed up to look like a female squirrel; this can be easily done
with some cottonballs, markers, and lipstick.
The second part is what I like to call a "pistol" (Processed
Instantaneous Squirrel Termination- OL being my initials). This "pistol" fires off metal
casings that contain an explosive substance to propel the metal and penetrate
the squirrel skin. To use this two-pieced
weapon you must put the sock on one hand, and duck behind a large rock,
sticking the hand with the sock above the rock. Soon an evil squirrel will run up and attempt to reproduce with
the sock, as this happens raise the "pistol" and fire it at the
little bastard.
I move that we immediately begin mass production of the
"Old sock dressed like a female squirrel and a pistol"s. This new technology will finally give us the
edge against the squirrels.
Agent Rob Dordan
As I am sure very few of you know I am very interested in
the field of pyrotechnics (explosions, bombs, etc...), and lately I have been
working with delaying explosions for scientific reasons (yeah right). I have
developed a new weapon for our war against the Rabid Squirrels! - The Gemini
Bullet.
This bullet fits in any normal sniper rifle and has a
delayed explosive tip. Meaning 2 seconds after impact with the squirrel it
explodes. This is good for many reasons. One, pure enjoyment, wouldn't you just
love to see rabid squirrel guts splattered on a wall! Two, you can kill
multiple squirrels, for instance you shoot one and they gather around to see
what happens and BOOM! (Dead rabid squirrels everywhere!) Three, some squirrels
are a little bigger, the bigger squirrels I have found need a few extra
bullets, but with the use of the explosion one hit takes them down fast and
easily...(have not yet tested on robots)
Agent Gemini
Slicer
After many hours of testing, and looking over blueprints, I
have emerged from my workspace with the weapon with the simple name of Slicer.
This weapon is for those of the more stealthy capabilities. What it is... the
base of a blender, along with blades...attached to a cage... there are tracks
for the blender to slide up and down... The way it works is, the agent captures
the beast in the cage... they then proceed to switch the blender to any setting
which best suits the death they like.... the slow death with the low setting,
and the very very bloody mess with the puree setting, quite a mess indeed.
Agent Lightning
Name: FANG (Flame-throwing Attack Napalm Gun {yeah, it is a
redundant name and kinda lame at that})
Description: A flamethrower that uses napalm. The fuel
container weighs 150 lbs. when fully loaded. It is used to breach squirrel defences.
It can shoot flames up to 50 yards, but that will use nearly a pound of fuel
every 2 minutes. It will, however, destroy most squirrel defences and most
squirrels. It also has a safety that only humans can operate (the safety
requires dexterity of a human, so some humans may not be able to operate it.)
The napalm is concentrated so the backpack is 3 feet tall (from small of back
to head on most adult male humans). Those using FANG require heatproof suits,
lest they be burned to a crispy shell of themselves. If necessary, the gun can
be self-destructed, but that requires a user password. The password is 6
alphanumerics long. It can encoded for any language from Chinese Mandarin to
some odd Conlang, depending on how safe you want it to be.
Agent Sunbunny6
Class: Auricon EF-7
Type: Squirrel Stunner Pistol
Length: 15 centimetres
Mass: 380 grams
Power: Cold Fusion Batteries
Rounds: 12
Optional security: molecular coded grip fingerprint lock
Agent Greg Grose
A new weapon to add to the RSS's arsenal of weaponry are
Scouting goggles. These goggles, once set, are able to detect any and all rabid
squirrels within a kilometre. All RABID
SQUIRRELS appear red, while all un-rabid squirrels appear blue. The goggles can
also be set to read other various species of animals
Agent Amanda Chan
My lord I have an excellent weapon for our fight against the
rabid foes. The weapons name is The VISCORATOR, this advanced weapon uses a
rare alloy called pokissiomtiaon witch is a combination of IRON ARGON GOLD LITHIUM.
This alloy can be heated to an extreme temperature to create a density heat ray
that could turn any enemy to cinders; the weapon looks a little like this:
##
#@@))))))
******
# # @@]]]]]]]]]-----
* #@@))))))
* ##
The @ symbol indicates the alloy. This weapon will help us
destroy those rabid foes.
Agent Anthony Di Fazio
Since rabid squirrels love bleeding human corpses (corpi??)
set up a dummy made of plastique with either a proximity fuse, a timed fuse, or
set it to explode when the squirrels bite in... then cover it in gore and
cloned intestines and all that wonderful camouflage. Then set in woods using a
reformed digging mole manoeuvre, and just wait, hee hee.
Agent Ragabr Jones
Rig a hoover vacuum with a small lawnmower engine, a radio
guide and a special containment facility.
The hoover is used simply to capture the squirrel without actively
endangering the hunter, all the real magic is located in the containment
facility. With an assortment of
hypnopaedia, lights and LSD derivatives, we begin using the Vietnam era tactic
of winning the hearts of the enemy. After
going through total readjustment, we release the reformed rabid squirrel to
seek and destroy other rabid squirrels.
if the LSD derivatives fail to induce voluntary action, then they can be
replaced with addictive agents like crystal methamphetamine, crack, or various
opiates. MDMA was considered but it was
decided, after various testing, that this would cause the squirrel to be
dangerous to nothing and just lead to it giving lots of hugs.
Agent Ragabr Jones
This laser can see through walls with X-ray scope, and it
can also penetrate through any kind of armour. It shoots a strong electric
blast, strong enough to fry and kill anything!
Agent PeePetes
The RSS Squirrel Annihilator (RSS-TS-4)
Description: Using the new natural gas technology, this
weapon fires a wave of heat that melts every carbon-based organism in its path.
This contraption looks like a fruit basket, but with further
analysation you will notice a strange fruit on one side of it that oddly looks
like a red button that says, "Only press while facing away from nozzle,
and only upon spotting Rabid Squirrels". It contains a tank of natural gas
and a tank of propane; these two gasses combine in the "combining
stage" to create a mixture the passes through the "fire stage"
which lights it on fire. This fire burns at 9,000,037.6004 degrees centigrade.
The range of this weapon is limited though, only shooting out 30 metres. It
would've burned at double the temperature, and 6 times the distance, but those
damn commies in the UN decided it wouldn't give the Rabid Squirrels a fair
chance to annihilate human kind, so we had to cut it back. (We believe the
Rabid Squirrels have insiders in the United Nations, more on this in future
updates). To make sure we don't hurt anything that Green Peace would complain
more about, we attached the YZ-67 Carboniser onto the weapon; this contraption dispenses
a wave that covers the entire field of fire that grabs everything without
carbon on it and sends it into the fourth dimension for a time so only
carbon-based organisms get destroyed. Be warned, this weapon is only a
prototype and hasn't been regulated by the BATF, FDA, NRA, or MOD. These
weapons are considered a little bit "illegal" in most countries,
including Germany, England, USA, Canada, South Africa, Saudi Arabia, Djibouti,
Botswana, Japan, an 87 other countries (go to the website
www.killallfacistdungbeetles.org for the full list), so conceal it when
possible. There have also been stories, unverified, of this weapon exploding
after holding the "fire" button longer than 35 seconds, and when a
banana gets shoved in the nozzle (which is the coconut), so BE WARNED. The
going price of this weapon is steep though, going for almost $5, but you have
to get it charged before use, which costs about $25. This is one of the most useful
weapons in our arsenal presently, but we've only got 14.3 models. If you can
get your hand on this, keep it in your collection, right next to you picture of
Bea Author.
Agent God
Trap about twenty porcupines, skin them, and sew the hides
together to create a porcupine suit. It will keep the rabid squirrels from
attacking for fear of being pricked by the needles. Even the most aggressive
rabid squirrels will not attempt to come at you with this on!! Ah ha! Take that,
rabid squirrels!
The first test subject came back today with a rabid squirrel
stuck to his back dead as a doornail. This proved the suit is efficient and
will have a great impact in the combat of these mangy creatures.
Agent Rei E Hino
I have managed in the past few weeks to slowly whittle down
the RS's defences, and have found that they have also been quiet for a while.
As the mission briefing suggests, I have developed in its entirety now the
Anti-RS Grenade. It is a small glass orb filled with a modified pathogen
derived from 4-4 Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane (the ever popular pesticide
DDT). This is fired from a home made grenade launcher, the plans for which can
be found in any copy of "The Anarchists Cookbook 2000" (refer to page
www.secureroot.com for download). I
do, however recommend a further testing before the implementation of this
device, as the pathogen could be dangerous to the RSS if he should fracture the
orb while loading the cannon.
When I have found a way to counteract this problem, I shall
notify you with the final plans for the Anti-RS Grenade Launcher.
Agent Slay3r
I have also managed to develop a small device that can be
used by the under-cover operatives. It consists of a small can of Lynx Deodorant,
a cigarette lighter, and some sticky tape. It is used as a small incendiary
device, placed at the entrance of the RS's lair. Simply tape down the top of
the Lynx can, light the spray, and position flame into the entrance of the
lair. When the gas has run down sufficiently (cooking the RS's :) ), the can
will explode, sealing the entrance so any that survived can not get out. I have
decided this should be known as "The Lynx Effect"
Agent Slay3r
Oh, and by the way: I accept no responsibility for any
injury to self or others due to the use, misuse, and inability to use this
information or the devices they describe. This is automatically agreed to by
using the information or devices described, and / or by the manufacture of
these devices. Hey, I don't wanna get busted coz Billy Nomates blew his hand
off!
I have a "Defence" that I will describe to
you. First I get a taxidermied
squirrel. No, not a real rabid squirrel, but a regular squirrel. I then take it
home and mock it up to look like rabid squirrel. Then I paint a red bulls-eye on it. This scares the squirrels
away and into my laser beam trap that slices off their feet thus preventing
them from moving.
Agent Jcarkeys
I used an old auto tennis ball lobbing machine, but instead
of regular tennis balls, I drilled a small hole inside and put a special quick
flesh decaying acid. I then plugged up the hole, and on the outside of the ball
I coated it with extra sticky peanut butter (the rabids love the stuff!) I then
lob the balls at the little buggers, which stick to their fur... as they
discover it's evil deliciousness, in licking the ball they dislodge the plug,
and spill my special acid all over themselves... the results are gory yet
spectacular! Have you ever seen a rabid squirrel dissolve slowly? It's not a
pretty sight, and yet a necessary one.
Big Slayer Danielson
Hey, how about a nickel that you put in your ear and take it
out and you're invincible and the nickel is now a really long sword. The only
thing is it makes you go insane but really strong and makes you a god after the
meteor destroys earth in 7 days while you’re floating in your little haven.
(What the..? - MH)
Agent Hime
Hello my friends, my invention I just happened to get
finished is a jack-in-the-box-killer-monkey!!!!!!? And you send it to the rabid
squirrels and put on it To: You, From: Mommy, Merry Christmas!! They open it
and a monkey jumps out with two G-18's in one hand and two explosive bullet
Uzis in thee other hand and two high-tech super explosive heat seeking rocket
launchers!! (with laser sights too).
Agent Frahm
That's all folks.
(c) Rabid Publications