Volume 8 - Issue 4
16-September-2000
"King Fuzzball has been running for hundreds of miles
across the vast continent of Australia, carrying a lit match. It has taken him
many days to arrive here in the Koala Treetop Stadium, Sydney. Audiences in
their thousands have turned up to watch the rabid squirrel in his momentous
task to carry the Olympic Minor Flame to the games. And here he is now,
approaching the stadium with the match still lit. He has been carrying it for
ages, extremely carefully to avoid extinguishing. Now the Mighty King Fuzzball
is climbing the tree in which the games are to be held. He uses the still
burning match to light a ceremonial torch. The torch catches fire immediately,
and a round of applause comes from the crowd. The flame burns higher and
higher, scorching the nearby leaves and squirrels. Suddenly, the entire tree
catches fire in a dramatic burst of flames. It seems that the tree had been
soaked in paraffin by a saboteur, maybe an RSS agent. Burning squirrels are
running everywhere in panic. It seems the games will have to be moved to the
next stadium, the Porpoise Arena, Sydney."
The Master Hunter
Official Commentator of the Rabid Squirrel Olympics
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Here are the highlights of some of the early events.
Cycling
Time is insignificant in this event, any rabid squirrel to
finish the course is classed as a winner. The competitors may attach engines of
any type to their bicycle. They may take weapons to the circuit, and must
finish the race by any means possible. It is only 'cycling' in the loosest
sense.
This year, eight competitors were fighting it out, with the
main contenders being Sly Backstabber (GBR), Mutator Merys (US), and Francois
LeBuggaoffori'leatyourleg (FRA). Merys unleashed her pet mutant, Fearsome
Gurgle, at the start of the race, disposing of two competitors (including No
Hans (GER), a favourite). Sly got a great start, his rocket propulsion engines
proving their worth. Francois was in trouble from the start however, his bike
seemed to have been vandalised, either that or square wheels were less
effective than he had hoped. Someone threw a grenade into the midst of the
riders, and after the smoke had cleared, it seemed that there were only two
contenders left in the race, Merys and Sly.
As they approached the final straight, Sly leapt off his
bike onto that of Merys. A high-speed battle ensued, both squirrels fighting it
out for the title. Punches flew, teeth flew further, and soon the bikes drew to
a halt, both squirrels exhausted. Finishers: 0, Casualties: 8, the race was
drawn.
Swimming
Varies from human swimming in that the 50m pool is filled
with blood, not water. Also, certain 'obstacles' decorate the pool.
Again, eight squirrels started the final. The expected
winners this time were Acorn Almighty (USA) and Guday Mike (AUS). The starting
pistol was fired, the bullet taking out the Dutch representative. The only Brit
in the final also got off to a bad start, he had unfortunately been given the
lane with the squirrel-eating giant squid. Still, six competitors completed the
first ten metres, and were now at full speed charging towards the finish line.
Except Fearsome Gurgle that is, who had decided that swimming was too much
effort and he would prefer to sink to the bottom and drink the blood. Which he
did.
After making the turn, and outrunning the sharks, Acorn and
Mike were alone in the race. Neck and neck to the finish line, both squirrels
were too tired to cheat. Acorn had planned for this situation however, and had
planted a sniper in the crowd. The rabid squirrel easily hit Mike, and so USA
got their first medal.
Overall, the home side are just in the lead on medals, with
GBR and USA close behind.
The Master Hunter
Attention all RSS,
As you may or may not be aware, The RSS have recently become
allied with The Paralytic Sparrows. As their spokesperson, I feel it is my duty
to ask for your help. Mrs Miggins, the Leader of the Paralytic Sparrows, has
been kidnapped by the evil King Fuzzball. He left the following note:
"We have your leader, she will die unless you all
convert to rabid squirrels. Yuors faithfully, King Fuzzball"
Looking at this note, I have noticed that King Fuzzball
cannot spell ‘yours’. We may be able to use this to our advantage. We need your
help in order to rescue her from the clutches of the Rabid Squirrels. Any RSS
willing to volunteer for this mission please visit www.clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/paralyticsparrows,
where you will receive further information.
Angry Trapper Ferguson, Spokesperson for The Paralytic
Sparrows.
Since I was assigned my mission, I have been scouting around
the general area of my house for Rabid Squirrels. I found that there were at
least 54 different Rabid Squirrels. (Now this may seem like a large amount of
Rabid Squirrels but I live in a very "WOODY" area, there are lots of
trees and tall grasses and things like that.) I first discovered the evil
rodents when I noticed there was acorns falling from above... at first I
discarded it because of the wind but soon they started to explode! Luckily this
particular RS (rabid squirrel) was a bad shot and all of the acorns missed...
as soon as I realized where he was he ran off before I could get a good look.
So I ran back to my house to grab my Squirrel Suit. I then proceeded back into
the woods to find the squirrel that did this! After a few hours of walking I
came upon a fort of the RS nature I climbed a near by tree to see into the fort
without having to go in. Once I could see into the fort I saw a large mass of
RSs gathered around a single squirrel that had not yet become rabid. I
continued to watch until I could take no more I reached for my UZI but I forgot
it was in my other Squirrel Suit so I was forced to watch more of this evil
procedure where they eat the squirrel and then regurgitate it and then eat it
again. Before I left I was sure to leave a beacon so that I could find my way
back some day to kill the evil rabid squirrels that did this!
Agent Gemini
Whilst completing optional mission 1 (find out how many
rabid squirrels in area), I was able too sneak up on the local rabid squirrel
base (using the cunning fox, as I am in the country side) whilst surveying the
squirrels behaviour I noticed that there was a squirrel type not shown on the
slayers home page. A group of 11 squirrels came out of spanners workshop with a
large glowing backpack like thing on there back, I then witnessed these squirrels
open up a hole in the fabric of space and disappear, only to reappear 200m
away. I think it may be a kind of warp generator that lets them move at the
speed of light or something. Seeing the potential threat I continued to observe
these squirrels and saw that they manage to travel through solid objects such
as walls, cars and even and plate of cheddar cheese sandwiches. I called them
warp squirrels. The warp generator is still experimental and dangerous as I saw
that only 4 squirrels survived, the other 7 were alive but deformed in ways
that even the most sick of squirrels would find freaky (arms and legs in the
wrong places, no heads etc).
Agent basser666
After scouting the area for local rabid squirrels, I have
come up with some startling results.
Prior to joining up with the RSS, and due to my stupidity at
that time, I befriended a local squirrel with a distinctive feature - No
tail. While staking out the top-secret
base, located in a large abandoned shack (real creative squirrels), I
discovered this tail-less squirrel, who belonged to the local group of Rabid
Squirrels that inhabited a park near my home.
Thanks to the advice from Angry Trapper Ferguson about learning how to
toe-tap, I was able to converse with the local earthworms. These annelids provided much needed
information about this base, which happens to be called SPORTS: Secret Place Of Rabid Tenacious Squirrels.
After days of studying and collecting information, and some
more help from the worms, I have come up with these results.
The tail-less squirrel is a deadly assassin, who chopped off
his own tail to show his toughness and dedication to King Fuzzball. The other 99 squirrels consist of 20
Snipers, 20 Grenadiers, 20 Assaulters, 30 Flying Squirrels, and 9 Uziers. All the squirrels know how to do their job
with great skill, and this base will be quite hard to penetrate and attack. I
will wait for the development of new weapons before I plan on anything further.
What I do not understand is-why the tail-less squirrel
didn't harm me when I first befriended him, especially now that I know he is an
Assassin?
Amanda Chan
Last week my friends and I vacationed in the mountains. It
was relaxing. We had solved a lot of mysteries that month and we needed a
holiday. My uncle owns a cabin in the Snow Hills. The first night we arrived at
the cabin we went straight to sleep. The next day, Shaggy and Scooby were
hungry. (What a surprise!) But, they made a terrible mistake. They ate a lot of
food, but they ate all the peanut butter in the house. We thought nothing of it
at the time. We went skiing that day.
Freddy is stupid. He tried to be a show off and ski very
fancy. He is not good. He fell down and ate snow. We laughed a lot. Scooby
laughed very much. He broke a tree. We skied down the hill, but then something
terrible happened.
The Snow Monster! He jumped out from behind a rock! We ran.
He chased us. We fooled him by hiding behind tree. But we knew he would be
back. We made a plan. Freddy explained it all in detail, so it did not work of
course. The Snow Monster fell down and we took off his mask.
Surprise! It was the squirrel king. He laughed and said we
were fools. We were scared. Shaggy fainted. I said we should call Captain
Razberry: he will save us! The Squirrel King grabbed us and took us back to his
hideout.
We thought we were doomed. Then, suddenly Captain Razberry
appeared. He tried his laser ray, but the Squirrel King had a shield. The
squirrel king gabbed Captain Razberry. Just then, Captain Razberry said it was
time for a snack. Oh No! Captain Razberry reached down into his belt and pulled
out his lunch!
We thought he was crazy! But, he is smart. He had a peanut
butter sandwich. The Squirrel King dropped Captain Razberry and ran. He was
terrified. Our superhero shut the tree hole that Scooby had opened.
Captain Razberry had saved us. We all had dinner together
that night. Captain Razberry said he cooked a surprise. It was peanut butter
cookies. We laughed and Scooby said Scooby-Dooby Doo! Then it was dark and some
letters started rolling in front of us.
(c) Agent Jade
I am a member of TOABS (The Organisation Against Bad
Squirrels.) The organization believes that there exist two great squirrel
planets; Xenon, and its moon, which I've forgotten the name of. At one time the
two planets (yes, I am aware that one of them is a moon, but it's easier to
just say 'planets', OK?) lived in harmony. But a great battle took place and
they became enemies. We do not know what the dispute was about that started it
all, but our secret-agent-spy-people think that it had something to do with
macaroni. After the dispute took place, there occurred a great exodus out of
the two neighbouring squirrel planets. We do not know why, but we believe that
it had something to do with macaroni. They came to earth, and populated the
planet. They took the disguise of a nice, furry, cute (matter of opinion)
little things, with minimal intelligence. But, in reality, they are
super-geniuses. There are two types of squirrels; the good and the bad, or evil
squirrels. We believe that some of the bad squirrels may have mutated into
rabid squirrels. The bad squirrels plan to take over the world, what we know as
earth, and turn it into theirs. We don't know why, but we believe that it has
something to do with macaroni. TOABS works closely with the good squirrels,
working to keep this planet safe from the ever-threatening bad squirrels. We
hope to join our efforts with yours, so that we will be even more effective. We
don't know why we wish to do this, but we think that it has something to do
with macaroni.
Agent Bob
Due to a long secret war that has taken place back here were
I live, I haven’t been able to use my computer. Still better late than never;
so I think we should put tiny heat sensors in forest areas and then use a brave
person as human bait so when the little b*****ds gather around we can catch
them all in a strong steel cage with all those holes and then roast them with a
flamethrower. Also I have been suspecting that like vampire, these devilish
rabid squirrels are afraid of garlic. So we can spread HUGE amounts of garlic
powder over forests and hope it clears most of this humanity threatening evil.
That’s all I can think of for now since I have been traumatized
probably for life by this horrible war. I almost get KILLED! This war hasn’t
ended yet and we only won round 1 by little. By now the evil squirrels might
have reproduced and recruited new soldiers.
Agent SquirrelSlaya
Hi my rabid slayer chums,
I have taken a long break and have relaxed somewhat, but as
us agents never get a break; here is my holiday story.
I was sun bathing on newquay beach when I heard a funny
noise a voice saying "Help Me", so I went to investigate. On arrival
to a cave I heard "I am in Here".
I walked inside to find 33,000 (approx) rabid squirrels who
had tracked me to this location so I whipped out my new paper cutting device
slicing 3 heads off the first three squirrels, as their heads rolled 12 tripped
over and were trampled by the mob, at this point seeing that I was outnumbered I
ran to the sea front. Luckily, Munky (my overworked sidekick) was ready with a
flamethrower, this lightly toasted 250 of them, until it ran out of gas, so we
took to the water in our air craft carrier, I jumped in a F16 equipped with
nuclear capacity and blew the Muder Frickers up.
Unfortunately 3 of the little Baskets had climbed onto my
F16 and one of 'em jumped into my air intake sending my F16 spiralling to the
ground. They had gnawed through the ejection cable leaving me to die but I used
my paper cutting device to escape and they were stuck to burn with the plane. As
I deployed my parachute I noticed the last squirrel was on top of it laughing
and started to gnaw a hole so I whipped out my trusty UZI and whipped his ass,
blowing a hole in my chute, Frick, but luckily I was only 5 feet off the
ground.
Agent Verminator and Munky
(c) Rabid Publications