Volume 8 - Issue 5
27-October-2000
IT'S QUITE INCREDIBLE, over 700 agents and I only get
a couple of short stories to publish. Never mind, here is the much delayed and
extremely short Issue 5. Please e-mail to me anything you would like to put in
Rabid Times.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
There are many ways to kill rabid squirrels. Shoot them,
stab them, drown them, drop them from a great height, eat them, force-feed them
out-of-date yoghurt, throw them under a speeding gerbil, etc. But all of these
methods have potential flaws. Gun malfunctions, knife breaks, it can swim, it
has wings, it is inedible, it likes out-of-date yoghurt, the gerbil misses,
etc. Thinking this, I began a quest for the perfect method of eliminating rabid
squirrels.
Popping round to the house of my good friend Gandalf the
wizard, I learnt the spell 'Incinerate Squirrel'. I practised the spell on his
antique, ornamental polar bear, and burnt the house down. Partly in awe of my
new power, and partly terrified of an angry Gandalf, I fled the building. Now
to take on the rabid squirrels.
Charging up to the nearest tree, I spotted a squirrel
cleaning a rifle at the top. I immediately cast the spell and destroyed the
tree and surrounding five buildings.
Amazed at my talent, I continued until I found a forest. A
grenade landed at my feet, so I cast the spell and destroyed the forest, taking
the rabid squirrel with it.
My clothes were now on fire, so I ran to the road. Trying to
flag down a taxi, I accidentally set fire to the fire station. Running to the
hospital, I gestured to a nurse and blew up the building. Giving up, I returned
to Gandalf and asked him to remove the spell. I then went and had a bath, after
all, I'd now been on fire for three hours.
And so, the quest for the perfect way to kill a rabid
squirrel continues. Send in your ideas.
The Master Hunter
They are everywhere. I can't stop them; fellow agent 00Leary
and myself were lucky to escape with our lives after a heated and bloody battle
against a vast horde of rabid squirrels. We were the only two out of an
original group of 76 who went into battle to survive. They had new weapons we
had never seen before, such as one particularly brutal device that robbed
agents of their footwear from 100 yards - this weapon was the downfall of most
of the agents we lost. We need help. All agents in south Leicestershire please
assist. Help us. They’re everywhere.
Agent Brooks
From my friends actions of chasing random squirrels up trees
shaking them down and beating them to death with a stick then cutting off their
tails as a trophy my area is clear of rabid squirrels that can be found but I
have found indications of 1 possibly rabid human that looks a lot like a person
I will follow up on this and possibly eat his house pets
Agent j-sin 0
I am surrounded in Leeds, out of uzi ammo, not sure how long
I can hold out for, send more agents. The squirrels have a new type of ammo, a
more power full type of grenade; the horse chestnut bomb which they give to
small children. These bombs then explode when they play with them. The carnage
is horrifying......
Will try to find their base of production and destroy it. On
my first mission I have eye balled 250 different squirrels.
Agent george_elton
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