Volume 8 - Issue 6
19-November-2000
WELCOME to a far better issue of Rabid Times than the
last one. I even got the date and issue number right. Jump right in.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
I CAN SEE! I CAN SEE! I'M GOING BLIND.
The rabid squirrels in my area have grown out of control.
Destroying all the agents that were under except 2 myself included. But they
took my eyes. I was driving down a peaceful country road when my car was
surrounded by the black rabid squirrels. They took coat hangers and unlocked my
door; dragged me out of my car onto the road by my collar. The last thing I saw
were those terrible red eyes gleaming and laughing at me. I duo not know if I
am typing correctly. hehdusakbukd hnau ehjadyioe jkaue hduiuekj jkadhuue xhi
eoi kjsue jduejd uiaudf kei. kdihti jheut htia shjt ithia;is iy ihsik hdi
asihwhisfukiua. And that’s their secret hiding place. Vicious lil things aren't
they
Agent sexy mamma
In accordance with standard protocol, my first mission was a
reconnaissance effort. While at first suspicious that any rabid squirrels would
dare claim any territory on this college campus, I learned that the rabid
squirrels have tried to utilize this place and are actually quite cocky in
their 'dominance' of the territory.
I started out discreetly, trying to be as inconspicuous as
possible. What happened is as follows: I climbed the fence that keeps us wily
students out of construction sites (in this case, a new dining centre) and
yelled into the night sky: "I know yer here! I can smell ya!" The
results were incredible. A horde of red eyes lit up in the blackness of the
torn-up dining centre, and for a moment I thought that I would be overcome. In
a split-second decision, I held my badge in the air and yelled that if anything
were to happen to me, the full wrath of the RSS would descend upon them like a
pack of ravenous wolves. There was some scuttle, and then peace. The rest of
the night was without notice.
Not soon after, I was caught completely off guard. On my way
to the school library, a small squirrel darted in front of me. "Ha!"
I thought. "This can't be a rabid squirrel; it's daring around in plain
view, and is too small to be of any use." Not five seconds after it crossed
me, the little squirrel turned to face me, revealing horrible red-yellow eyes
and a disfigured countenance. I reached again for my badge but remembered that
I had accidentally put it through the wash. Not knowing what to do, I
ninja-rolled on the ground and then took off after the little squirrel. It got
away quickly, leading me to believe that it may be some kind of
intelligence-gathering agent.
As for now, things are quiet. I am working on a new mission
that will bring me into the knowledge of their lairs.
In the service of the RSS,
Agent Will O'Brien (name changed to keep off the squirrels)
4 November, Southern California, USA, 1234 pst: There is
considerable doubt as to where the Rabid Squirrels' HQ is. Very little activity
on the squirrels' parts. I'm becoming edgy, I assume the SCRS Brigade is planning
something big. We have only spotted sentry rodents, and a few scouts. I fear
they are planning the biggest action of their campaign in the bottom-left
corner of the States yet. We know of over 30,000 Rabid Squirrel Shocktroops,
and the numbers are growing. We haven't experienced many new weapons, just an occasional
upgraded sniper rifle, etc.
We have found two underground bunkers of SCRS, but we
flushed them out with only a few casualties. I suspect there are numerous
bunkers spread all over the Southern California front. These bunkers were
stocked with plenty of food-goods, and weapons. We are studying the supplies as
I write this.
Over the past few months there have been sporadic attacks on
our compounds, but they have all but ceased these past couple weeks. I fear for
my life. These Rabid Squirrels are serious, and I will bet on a large-scale
action in upcoming weeks. Moral is low in the barracks here, and I pray they
spirit will remain until we finally rid the whole of Southern California of
these hideous fiends. May the power of many radioactive goats be with you.
Special Agent Klein Baen
I use to always visit my grandpa every summer for a month
when I was little. I remember once when him & me were driving back from a
grocery store he started telling me stories of how life was when he was growing
up. "Back in the day" he started "there were evil squirrels
every where." At the time I found this a little weird because this was
before I had ever heard of rabid squirrels. "Those dog-gone squirrels
would go & kidnap children from there homes at night. Then they would tie
them up and carry them to roads & highways." By this time I though he
was making the whole thing up. "After they tied them up they would wait
for cars to go by. Then... BAM! They would throw the children at the
unsuspecting drivers, causing them to wreck, usually killing a lot of people.
Have you ever been hit with a high-speed kid boy? It hurts! Especially those buck-toothed
kids. Those ones really hurt!" Then he showed me a scar he said that he
got from getting hit with a buck-toothed kid. At this point I had thought he
had gone totally insane, but after becoming a part of the RSS I believe him.
Agent Jerro
It seems this race of rabid squirrels is even more evil than
I thought. They have wiped out around 1/2 the population of the town by simply
their business (poo and pee) in the milk-bottling factory, thus spreading a
type of bubonic plague around the country. Hundreds died. Kids eating milk and
cookies found a rather unwanted surprise. Luckily I survived because I don't
drink milk.
Anyhow why don’t you try dropping them in liquid nitrogen
and later shatter them? The thing is how to catch them. Ask this wizard guy if
he knows any paralysing spells to make catching the squirrels easier.
Agent Alvaro Garcia
As an extremely busy student, I don't seem to have much time
for hunting squirrels anymore. However,
I am learning many useful things at school. Like in Physics: If a rabid squirrel is hurling toward me at
75 km/hour, screaming at 570hz, what frequency am I hearing if I am moving away
from the squirrel at 15km/hour? Or,
even better: If I am drowning a rabid
squirrel in a stream and the angle of the light hitting the water is 35
degrees, and it's cold out, and I'm wearing purple, and... ummm... where was I
going with that? Hmm... it seems I
stood over my birthday candle a little too long yesterday...oh well. Anyway, although I do not have enough time
to go out and get those critters, I have the knowledge, when the time comes...
Big Slayer 050, Jennifer K.
Upon visiting the Southampton branch of Gandalf the Wizards
alchemy shop, I myself have learnt the new incinerate squirrel spell. However,
due to regional variations, rather than a humongous fireball erupting, a rather
more interesting thing happened. Returning to Southampton common, disguised as
Bungle from Rainbow, I first decided to cause a disturbance in order to attract
hundreds of Rabid Squirrels. Once they appeared I set off the spell. Each
individual squirrel exploded into flames, leaving only a pile of ash, and
weapons. I have hoarded the weapons and will send you my findings accordingly.
Angry Trapper Cox
The perfect way to kill a rabid squirrel is to tie them to a
chair and force them to listen to every top-five boy band CD in the last decade
for 26 hours strait. You can choose to
duct tape their mouths shut to stop noise, or you can choose not to and hear
their pitiful screams for mercy. Meha
Mehaha!
I was reading through a medieval war book the other day, and
I came across a tactic to eliminate all the squirrels, and put them through immense
pain at the same time. What medieval soldiers used to do when the enemy (in our
case the rabid little mother f*****s) retreated to the castle (the tree), they
would kill a pig or goat, then let the body rot a little, therefore letting the
body get diseased. Then they would catapult the body into the castle, run away
into the surrounding forest, and wait for the disease to spread around the
castle, thus killing all inside and therefore remaining victorious. What do you
think????
We could throw a dead diseased pigeon in to their lair, and
wait for the deceased to fall out of the tree then we can gather their bodies
and have a burning ritual.
Agent Mazza
(c) Rabid Publications