Volume 8 - Issue 7
[I don't know]-December-2000
I've got nothing to say.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
Studying as an underagent isn't as easy as I was hoping it
would be, especially when I have side jobs and graduate degrees to think of. It
has also come to my attention that I am the only agent capable of defending a
very large area of innocent, endangered citizens. And I wondered why I wasn't
being called unto duty very often. Then it came to me: I live in the desert.
Squirrels don't live in the desert.
However, this was a misguided conclusion. I have been
notified of more and more cases of attacks by rabid prairie dogs. Is it
possible that said rodents are merely transformations of the deadly leagues of
rabid squirrels? They show all the signs of being so, such as keen
intelligence, unimaginable clairvoyance, tactical wit, blood thirst, and no
mercy.
It has also come to my attention that perhaps better
organization of ideas is needed to seek out and destroy these creatures.
Perhaps if instruments could be developed. Alas, I have no gift for mechanical
engineering.
Agent Strife
Today I was again trapped by innumerable rabid squirrels,
and again they used their terrifying sock removal device with truly alarming
efficiency. I won't bore you with the details of my miraculous escape, but know
this and tremble - I have seen things that would make a grown man cry, things
that would chill a battle hardened soldier to the very core of his being, I
have fought my way through hordes of ravenous, disgusting, rabid squirrels even
as they were dismembering my comrades and friends, and I have this to say to
all agents in warning;
They are coming! And they are multiplying with extraordinary
speed. However, know this and take heart, they can be defeated, I am a veteran
of countless battles and skirmishes and have lost many friends to the fiendish
devils but these losses have not been without benefit to mankind. A fellow
agent, who must remain nameless as he is even more undercover than most of us,
and myself have discovered the secret of their downfall - it is this; Geoffrey
Chaucer. Yes that's right, the ancient balladeer and writer, when surrounded by
teeming masses of rabid squirrels read them extracts from 'The Canterbury
Tales' and instantly they will go mad and eat each other from the ears down.
Without Chaucer I fear we may be lost, if you have no 'Canterbury Tales' then
may God have mercy on your soul.
P.S. will the master hunter please return my double headed
anti-squirrel apricot, I am in dire need of it, the trees here are thick with
squirrels and it is time they were introduced to the many varied merits of
apricot-based weapons.
Agent Mr Brooks
I have scouted the region around my peaceful little town and
am now in fear for my life. I believe they may be planning to set up a large
base here, as this is a heavily wooded area and I have seen them scouting the
area in groups as large as 15! They have been acting very secretive and have
been trying very hard not to be spotted. But they cannot hide from someone such
as myself, who has had over 8 years of training in Tae-Kwon-Do. I hope to
discover their main base soon, and am preparing a large stink bomb for when I
have found it.
Agent Pablo
Upon arriving in school on a simple Saturday afternoon in
order to help with a concert, I noticed a certain creature scurrying along the
ground in my school. A RABID SQUIRREL! My initial reaction was to kill it, but
then I thought 'what is a squirrel doing in a school near the city-centre?' The
answer is one with an underlying vicious and evil plan. I have been identified
as an agent attempting to lead an anti-squirrel revolution! Luckily my
colleagues have not been identified, they shall remain anonymous for their own
safety. More squirrels have been sighted, an attack is inevitable. The
squirrels can't identify my partners so are attempting to kill all of the
members of my school to get them! (the teachers can go, but many students are
innocent). I suspect an inside link, a traitor. I'm not safe and the attack is
nearly upon us.
---
The attack was defeated! I'm safe! Thousands of rabid
squirrels were upon us, death seemed inevitable, but I realised my destiny. The
attack was larger that I expected, but we pulled through. The traitor was
identified: former Agent Gary. Our only option was to put him to death; he was
shot at a barrel. I have not only defeated the attack, killed the traitor but
have formed a large group of Anti-Squirrel agents (as I lead the attack I am
recognised as their leader). I must go for a patrol in my area is necessary.
---
Another, but smaller, attack defeated. Squirrels with Santa
hats and uzis!!!!!! Vicious little gits. Merry Christmas to fellow slayers! (I
got plenty of weaponry from fellow agents... how sweet.)
Agent 182
Please we need backup in the state of Wisconsin it is an
emergency. The small city of New London is being overtaken. We have mm1 grenade
launchers, sniper rifles, and nerve gas. But they are too great! We need major
backup. They have cut everything but this one last phone line and they are
killing anyone they see on the street! HELP!!!
Agent Strife
I was watching a film called Mafia; in this film the enemy
was destroyed by a powerful explosive, fart gas. A kamikaze agent should be fed
broccoli and prune juice for a week, then when the gas fill his body, he should
secretly enter the squirrel hide out, light a candle, and let it rip, thus
killing the surrounding rabids.
Agent Mazza
After infiltrating the major Rabid Squirrel HQ in my area, Dorack
and me found some top-secret plans. The Squirrels have devised a plan to
replace the humans.
They have made rabid humans and Newcastle is their main
production line. Dorack and I then crept through to the Big Squirrels office.
He was smoking what appeared to be male Genitals!!! He was talking to a person
known only as Jim the Grim. I clutched my piece of A4 paper ready to pounce and
put an end to this mayhem when we were ambushed. Dorack fended off many
squirrels but got wounded on the doorknob. I used my A4 paper with great care.
We carved our way out of the base and ran for the safety of the greengrocers.
We stayed here for many days until the rabids finally got tired and buggered
off.
Agent Narkier99
(c) Rabid Publications