Volume 8 - Issue 8
1-January-2001
WELL, what have we here? This is issue 8/8 01/01/01, a
dangerous combination if ever I've heard one. This issue is brought to you in
association with the numbers 1 and 8. Gah, wasn't the editorial of the last
issue much better than this? Apart from what I'm saying here, this issue is
pretty good. There are some interesting lizards, and many an entertaining story
about Rabid Squirrels.
But seriously, there are sooooooo many agents (notice the
emphasis on 'so' there) in the Rabid Squirrel Slayers that I am overwhelmed
with e-mail addresses and replies to the test. And whenever I send a Rabid
Times I then have to quickly build a bomb shelter in order to survive the
overwhelming number of 'message returned, user invalid' e-mails. So, 'what are
you getting at here?' I hear you cry. I think I'll start a new paragraph:
I am considering publishing Rabid Times on the webpage
instead of sending it out. There are a few problems to overcome first, like how
to notify agents of the next issue, but it would be better for me.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
We, the lizard people, have heard of your brave fight
against the despicable rabid squirrels, we have suffered a number of attacks
from them in the past, but, although we are a proud and noble race, we were not
able to defend ourselves properly. However, now we have discovered your fight
against the evil squirrels we have a potential ally. Our proposition is simple:
we wish to ally ourselves with you. Some of my people are, you must remember,
large and powerful enough to squash all but the most fearsome of rabid
squirrels in a single movement, others of us are small and fast, we can sneak
into their bases un-noticed, we also are closely linked to the snakes, many of
which are highly dangerous, and poisonous, in our army we have a crack regiment
of taipans who fight for us in every battle; they rarely lose. So we, as a
people, ask you to consider our proposition, I believe it would benefit us both
greatly to join our forces and fight against the common enemy, together we can
bring an end to the horror of the rabid squirrels reign of terror, we can
release the grip that they have on the world, united we will stand in victory,
the rabid squirrels crushed beneath our feet!!!!!
Hello Mr L. King,
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply, but I have been
under siege by a particularly savage rabid squirrel, helpless to answer my
e-mails. But now I'm here, yes I would be interested in an alliance. By
alliance I mean we will not kill lizards, if you want to extend the deal please
send information. I like lizards, so have come to admire their ability to
destroy rabid squirrels. They require little training, but unfortunately are
fairly rare in my part of the country, so I've had to make do without. It may
be useful to have an army of lizards at our side, only time will tell.
The Master Hunter
Excellent. We are pleased that you have decided to accept
our offer. Your terms are adequate, although not making for much in the area of
overjoyedness, we will perhaps discuss furthering our agreement at a later
date. In fact, why not do it now? Whilst we are pleased you will not kill
lizards, we would rather it went further than that, our proposition is this:
We will form an alliance against the squirrels and all other
forms of evil rodent, we will together crush their puny heads and stupid
elongated teeth, we will destroy them utterly. To do this we must from an
alliance not only of toleration, but of co-operation. We must fight with each
other against the common enemy, we the lizards and you, the slayers, will fight
side by side and back to back until the day there are no more rabid scum left
alive.
Incidentally, I'm rather partial to kendal mint cake if you
happen to have any lying around.
With regards, Eponymous Biro (lizard king)
Dear King Biro,
Your suggestions are noble, and I am advised by my advisors
(makes sense) to agree to your terms. From this day forwards the slayers and
lizards will fight together for this cause. Might I suggest that the best
combination would be if the lizards lay perfectly still, then the slayers could
carry one each: perfect clubs with which to beat the squirrels to death.
Otherwise we can develop new tactics, such as the lizards forming the backbone
of the army, their strength and sturdiness locking the rabid squirrels in
bloody battle while the slayers attack from behind, taking minimal casualties.
What are your thoughts?
The Master Hunter
P.S. Mmmmmm, mint cake.
So there you have it, a new alliance in a step by step
guide. Fear the might of the RSS!
I am Agent VenomCat, and I have learned their language...
with the aid of the enemy. I had captured a rabid squirrel a few months ago and
studied him. "Subject DXEX" underwent several painful tests and
injections until I discovered a gene in his blood. Using this gene I created an
antivenom to "DXEX's" disease. "DXEX" was cured from his
demonic rabies, and helped in aiding me to learn the Ancient Rabid Squirrel
language "Zerinzuf". Using
this knowledge I plan to create a way into the higher ranks of the squirrel
empire, and once I have carried out that plan, I will destroy them completely,
disembowel their young, impale their old. Sadly at the time of this letter
"DXEX" pass on, this mission is dedicated to him. I will hold him
dearly to my heart forever, literally, I stuffed him while he was alive. I knew
all of his cries and replied to them in his own tongue. I will write soon to
keep you all informed.
Agent VenomCat
As I was ordered by our fearless leader to look around for
squirrel, I was saying to myself : "Rabid squirrels!? In my
neighbourhood!?! Ha!" But I was so wrong.
This morning when I woke up, I was preparing myself a cup of
coffee. I sat down at the table to read my newspaper, when I glanced at the
window. When I turned my head around, my life changed. I slowly gasped as I saw
that a rabid squirrel had invaded my backyard! I quickly took a photography,
which is filed with my report, and I took my trusty sharp paper sheet. I slowly
crept up on the squirrel while it was eating the remains of a bird he had
killed. Slowly I got behind him and sliced with my paper! The squirrel
immediately dodged and looked back at me.
He stared into my soul. He had huge red eyes, glowing like
cinder, and HUGE SHARP CLAWS! He tried to slice my face, but I was too quick
for him. I immediately sliced away quickly, scaring his left eye. He cursed at
me in rabid squirrel language, and he told me he would be back. He then
escaped.
I will always remember that encounter, and I am now
dedicating my life to slaying rabid squirrels. I will get this rabid squirrel
and put his head above my fireplace...
I will keep you all up to date on all my slaying. I must
leave now, for I am hearing weird scratches at my door...
Agent Generalleo
I have been studying a type of squirrel, which I have been
calling Radio-Active Squirrels. Some innocent nuclear testing in Alaska has
mysteriously affected normal squirrels in Boston, Philadelphia, and New York. I
have been travelling to each location, quietly studying them.
The testing has increased their size and their strength,
also making them more aggressive. Also, their tails are bright green. Well, I
have recently witnessed one of the Radio-Active Squirrels in constant
communication with a strange looking squirrel. This squirrel has dark fur and
long yellow teeth.
I now believe that this strange squirrel is a Rabid Squirrel
and that the Radio-Active Squirrels are sided with them. The RA Squirrels can
be very dangerous, but for some reason, they only attack teenagers to middle
aged people. The live in trees and are sometimes found hanging from ceilings.
They find a victim and attack their feet, hoping the victim will fall and be
unable to get away. If you need any
more information on these squirrels, please contact me. Their population is
growing quite quickly and I'm afraid they are soon going to leave the cities
they are currently in. I am currently working on a website to warn people of
these animals.
Brittany (Kiley8212@aol.com) (c)
I believe I may have discovered the ever elusive leader of
the clay pigeons - his name is 'the scarlet pimpernel', oh no - hang on a sec,
that was someone else... sorry... erm... oops.
Agent Myself
(undercover - as an apple)
For a while now I have gotten up early to scout the terrain
for any form of the rabid squirrel and have come up with an unusually high
density of squirrels in my neighbour's yard and huge tree.
They seem to gather around the tree in the morning in a
weird ritual dance and one with a crown and sceptre slices another's head off.
I have taken precautions and video taped the whole thing. I
think I will rudely interrupt their ceremony as soon as I receive the weapons I
ordered.
Agent wy_clefairy
The squirrels appear to have an unusual ally - we have been
invaded by strange creatures made entirely of snow, they are suspiciously
bucket shaped and about this tall, they will kill a man with a single blow,
women are quite safe for some reason. We don't know what they are, but they're
deadly - in truth we don't even know if they're in league with the squirrels,
we just sort of assume they are. We thought it only fair to warn you.
Agent Mr Brooks
THE ABOVE IS PURELY FICTIONAL, AND ANY RESEMBLANCE TO SQUIRRELS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY 37 ACORNS. OK?
(c) Rabid Publications