Volume 9 - Issue 1
27-January-2001
Mission Name: Melt a Squirrel
Type: Biological research.
Deadline: 01-February-2001
Location: Your choice.
Summary: In chemical warfare, there are many deadly substances
that have unpredicted effects on the recipient. You must capture a RABID
squirrel, and suitably restrain it. Then you must experiment on the monster.
Bring from your home a wide selection of substances, and separate or mix as you
see fit. You should then see what effect this compound has when applied to the
rabid squirrel. E-mail the results to themaster@slayerhq.fsnet.co.uk
As I have mentioned in previous missives, I live near a rabid squirrel outpost so there is a ready supply of the little buggers. I approached the base right after teatime, when they were having a siesta, and grabbed the first one I could find, a large brindled looking fellow. He was still snoring peacefully when I took him into my shed out back, transformed recently into a lab. When he awoke, and saw there was no hope, he tried giving me some fluff about his being a gerbil, but I taped his little snout shut so there'd be no more of that! I strapped him to the table and began - here are my findings:
Toothpaste applied to buttocks: mild irritation and chagrin
Aftershave on belly: giggles
Hair Dye all over: blonde number 5, a very nice colour on
him actually.
Bombay Gin: rotten little bloke drank up every drop and
indicated he wanted more.
Vanilla extract: Here was the key! When he saw what the
bottle said he became quite agitated and made some noises about how he'd rather
be thrown in the briar patch. I held the bottle under his nose and his face
flew into a dozen amazing contortions. I put a bit on his tongue and he made
noises I hope I never hear again as long as I live. And when I put it on his
fur.... well... have you ever actually SEEN a living thing disintegrate before
your eyes? Couldn't have been more than 10 seconds tops, and there was nothing
left but a smoking pile of fuzz.
Please tell all agents to arm themselves with a bottle of
vanilla extract (the real stuff please, not that imitation garp, that just
annoys them). All in all I could say it was a great bit of fun and a wonderful
way to spend an afternoon.
Big Slayer Danielson
ASSORTED SQUIRREL DRESSINGS (they can make or break your
dinner party)
Well as I humbly accepted this mission I had to think of a
way to trap a rabid squirrel and not have the temptation to kill it... well I
set off on my mission and got to work finding the rabid squirrel HQ to get one
of those gits. After about an hour of climbing through the sewers, through knee
high crap I finally found their HQ but then I remembered I’d already been their
once before and had forgotten about the front door... I hid in there toilets
and waited to pick one off but to my dismay it seemed none of them wanted to go
to the toilet, so I slipped into the kitchen and put a very powerful laxative in
one of the saucepans which has being prepared and I just got away in time after
dinner it seemed that there were hundreds that needed the crapper so after it
died down a bit I put a bit o chloroform on a cloth and knocked out one of them
after dragging him through the sewers I got him home and securely attached him
to a metal bed with chain-saws aimed at his nuts (if they have any) if he
moved. I started my experiments by rubbing some old battery acid on him it
didn’t have an effect. After trying several harmful compounds on him I got
bored and decided to go down-stairs and see what was in the kitchen, I found
some HP Fruity, some tomato ketchup and some salad cream. I injected him with
HP Fruity directly into his heart after some squirming I heard a fizzing so I
took an x-ray and had a look it seemed I had melted one of his hearts (I found
they have 3 hearts and can survive with 2) so then I rubbed ketchup on him and
he came out in a rash in about 30 seconds and he was screaming as if he was in
great pain so I injected him with salad cream in the brain and ran for my life
as people could here the explosion for miles to come...
Agent Dunne
I recently captured a lil' squirrel and coincidently, it was
rabid. What luck!!! Anyway, after the inspiration I got from your mail (and
hours of torment to the freak) I decided to take out my anger and insomnia
(lack o' sleep) by dipping various parts of the squirrel (wont go in to too
much detail) in different substances. The one I found to be most effective in
causing pain was "Brown Sauce". It sent the lil' bugger into a fit of
rage for some time until removed which revealed that it had lost its pe... pelvis,
yes, pelvis... nothing else...
Anyway, I hope that this information has both helped and
inspired you to get revenge on the rabid squirrels!!!
Angry Trapper Dorack
FOR A MAN OR A WOMAN (a pun on the CK ad campaign... oh, I
give up)
An excellent opportunity to try out my Christmas Present:
The corrosives collection (By Calvin Klein). I found a rabid squirrel easily enough;
they have pretty much dominated the rodent population in these parts. I
distracted it with a novelty inflatable sombrero on a string. It was fascinated
by it, I can tell you (who wouldn't be?) When I thought it was safe to attack,
I leapt out from behind a bush (quite impressive, considering I was hiding
behind a wheelie bin!) And made a swift strike at it with my standard issue
paper cut device. The squirrel, a cowardly little specimen, immediately fainted
at the sight of its own blood, making it safe for transportation to my secret
burger king lair.
Safely secured in a broken microwave, I promptly began to
offload my ample collection of chemical corrosives upon the unfortunate
creature (HAHA!!!)
Alas, however, when I attempted to inflict it with various
chemical doom substances, acids and corrosives galore, all failed to harm the
stubborn little rodent scum one little bit. The little ball of irritating fur
was laughing manically: He was really getting on my Alan Wick. Just as I was
about to pull out my Gilbert and Sullivan Karaoke tape, and subject him to
blind torture, I had a very good idea indeed. I had tried all harmful substances
available on the planet, bar one. I went to my fridge to collect it. I opened
the door, and there it was: Sunny Delight! The Great "stuff" that
kids go for, and then keel over in epileptic-esque fits. I poured the contents
onto the squirrels doomed bonce, and the beast vaporised instantly! It seems
that Sunny delight is now the great stuff kids go for, when it comes to
chemical warfare! This has been agent Chandler, signing off...
Agent Chandler
THE EARL OF GLOUCESTER (ever read ‘King Lear’? Oh you’re so
uncultured)
I found that the squirrel did not like it when I removed
both of his eyes with a dinner fork. It was hard to get a hold of him at first
but once I did I got him good. I got a little of his blood on an open wound on
my finger, should I be worried? Last time I got bit I did not bleed too badly,
but at least I broke the little f****rs' legs.
Agent booger152
PS - you know how some people have rabbit's feet? Well guess
what I have... he he he.
I took it upon myself to try different things to see what
could melt a RABID squirrel. Surprisingly I found that toothpaste works almost
immediately. It's the minty fresh taste it has just repulses them to no extent
& when they come to contact w/ it they just disappear into a puff of smoke.
Agent Amanda 0
As I received my mission, I thought. Long and hard. I asked
myself, "What do rabid squirrels like? Hmmmmmmm." As I thought, I
realized that ALL squirrels love cheese. So as I got to thinking what is the
worst, smelliest, nastiest cheese? Limburger of course. But than my logic set
in. Rabid squirrels are smelly and nasty. So I decided to use good cheese
thinking that bad and good don't mix. Bad R. squirrel, good cheese.
"Eureka!!! But what type of cheese is the best?" It didn't take me to
long to ponder. Colby Jack. So I ground up Colby jack and made it into a gas.
(Yes, cheese can be made into a gas.) I went into my local rabid squirrel
breeding area. I gathered a weak looking squirrel. I took him back to my laboratory.
I strapped down the squirrel. I got my aerosol can of cheese gas. I closed the
door to my laboratory (with me in it.) I pressed the button. This yellow-ish
gas goes everywhere. My lab smells like cheese. The squirrel, strapped in his
chair, started spasming at an uncontrollable rate. His hand fell off he spasmed
so hard. Then the most incredible part of my discovery. He turned into a normal
squirrel! I found the cure to rabid squirrel-itis. Time to get this thing into
the hands of fellow slayers. Until I can mass-produce this nauseous gas, I will
stay with my weapon of choice, and Christmas present, my pellet rifle. Wish
success with my invention.
Agent jcarkeys
RUBBER AND WHIPS... (draw your own conclusions)
I have been working on a new type chemical weapon any way so
this was my chance to test it out. I have designed a type of rubbery like
material that has the power to withstand the affects of most strong acids. I
used the material to create acid filled spheres which are shot out of a normal
paint ball gun. I made the acid from Windex & battery acids. I captured a
rabid squirrel by going into the woods & leaving a trail of blood soaked
acorns leading strait over a hidden bear trap. Although since the trap was so
big when it snapped shut it only chopped off part of its tail. While watching
from afar as I saw the trap snap shut I ran over & picked up the trap with
a chopped off squirrel tail only to find that the squirrel was still free. Oh s**t
I thought. Not knowing what to do I whipped out my new paper cut weapon &
my boa whip, one in each hand, therefore dropping the trap. As soon as I did
the rabid squirrel ran over to it & tried to retrieve its tail from the
trap. So I swung the whip at it, wrapping the end around its neck. Then just
kept swinging it around slamming it into the ground until it was knocked out
(which took several minutes). After that I tied it up to a metal pole &
stuck it in he ground. Finally, shootin' time. I shot the squirrel until it was
about of ammo. Unfortunately (is that the right way to spell it?) it had no
affect on the squirrel due to its thick & strong fur. The ropes & pipe
melted & it got away, dammit. But the rubbery material perhaps could be
used as armour for RSS members to repel the squirrels’ acid attacks.
Agent Exoform
Rabid squirrel captured and tested upon. I have discovered
the following;
1. After injecting RS's with domestos they became
hyperactive and explode after 30 minutes although time may vary from RS to RS.
2.After washing a RS with DAZ, they are whiter than white!
3.After feeding them to my cat, they managed to impregnate
her and she miraculously short pregnancy and gave birth to and strange
cat-rabid squirrel hybrid, which is immune to Geoffrey Chaucer.
I captured several rabid squirrels and then gave them the
following chemicals.
Laundry Detergent- The Squirrel became bloated and began to
go into convulsions. Soon after, the Squirrel died.
Laxative- The Squirrel developed a severe case of the runs,
and became dehydrated, withered up, and died.
Vinegar and Baking Soda- I fed the Squirrel a large amount
of baking soda and then forced it to drink vinegar. The squirrel promptly
exploded.
Miracle Grow- I sprayed Miracle Grow on the little beast and
his fur began to grow at a rapid pace. Soon the hair became very thick and
strangled the life out of the beastly rodent.
Anti-Freeze- I poured anti-freeze on the little bugger and
it began to seep through his skin. Pretty soon the anti-freeze melted his cold
little heart and he died.
Extra Note- When placed in the microwave squirrels develops
a strange urge to kill other squirrels. After releasing a squirrel from the
microwave he went on a rampage and killed several of my test subjects.
Agent Spence
(THAT TITLE FOOLED YOU ALL DIDN’T IT - HAHAHAHAHAR!!!)
Mission: Melt A Squirrel
Location: Ohio, USA
Date: 03/01/01
Items Used: Comet, suntan lotion, flamethrower, pick-axe,
coffee, milk
Tested On: Kamikaze Troop Squirrel (Explanation in report)
In response to the Mission given, I went hunting for rabid
squirrels. Things were not going so well at first, but eventually I met up with
a Kamikaze Squirrel. Normally I would run and hope the fuse ran out before it
got to me, but I noticed something about the explosives on this one. What did I
notice you ask? Well, it wasn’t explosives. It was a tin can filled with nacho
cheese.
Well, obviously I have no fear of nacho cheese, so when the
squirrel charged me I just stood there. It got about a foot from me and started
laughing like one of those mentally unstable science types, expecting to
explode. I hit it with a phone book and carried it to my basement.
I looked around for any chemicals laying around the house,
and found some Comet, suntan lotion, a flamethrower, a pick-axe, coffee, and
milk. I know the flamethrower and pickaxe aren’t chemicals, but who can refuse
a flamethrower and a pickaxe?
Anyway, the Comet didn’t really do anything, other than turn
the foam coming from its mouth a lovely shade of polluted lake green. The
suntan lotion made it’s eyes cross, which was rather weird to see, and also
protected it from 13 seconds in the microwave on high (I just couldn’t resist)
The coffee gave it spasms, probably due to caffeine
overload, and doubled the mouth foam production. The milk was the coolest of
them all though. The squirrel spontaneously turned into a look alike of Charlie
Sheen, albeit foaming at the mouth and with red eyes. Kind of reminded me of
that Exorcist movie, frankly.
Anyway, that’s pretty much it, as the Squirrel/Charlie Sheen
then proceeded to bang its head against the wall until it fell over dead.
Agent Phoenix
After a day of chasing the local rabid squirrels around in
my hakama (big pants used in kendo (sword fighting) and gi with a shinai
(bamboo sword), I have stunned and captured a rabid squirrel!
My first experiment was to test how resistible the squirrel
was to those annoying Christmas special reruns that, yes, are still showing. Its
head exploded within two minutes. Onto chemical warfare...
o.o: Gawd, are rabid squirrels... rabid... and gullible... what
I suggest is that if you want a RS to digest some sort of poison, you use a
decoy, i.e. a dummy or mannequin filled with something like arsenic o.o
>D Flame throwers also seemly to work nicely... [throws a
squirrel on the grill].
Agent Jos
After many failed attempts I captured a rabid squirrel and
attached it to a table I got in the catalogue for experimenting on rabid squirrel.
With this contraption I had him securely bound at the hands and feet with a
funnel down his throat. You must understand this particular squirrel had a
lightning bolt shaped tail, red cheek pouches, black stripes and was yellow.
The whole time yelled out PIKACHU! I think that is rabid squirrel for *no not
that*. Well anyway I took several chemicals from work home and a U.S. chemical
warfare catalogue. The first concoction was a mix of several poisons that have
been used on world leaders. I poured it down his throat and he turned green and
started screaming louder. I mixed SF77 and oven cleaner with a few coloured
additives. I proceeded with the experiment and he turned red. I thought *this
is a tough squirrel*. So then I took a few quarts of The Works and poured it
down his throat. I then made him eat tin foil. He turned a bunch of weird
colours and still yelled a lot. So I made the table shake him violently. I sat
behind the guard and watched him explode in an electrical burst. So I guess it
wasn't exactly a success but it was KEWL!!!
Mad Trapper Pink Thang
I captured a squirrel and amputated its legs and arms so it
could not move or run. I took its eyes out with forks and poured something I
stole from a bio-chemical warfare plant into its eyes. It instantly started to
bubble and the squirrel started to grow I thought I was in trouble but it
turned out that the chemical was made to alter the DNA so that the object it
infected would increase in size till it blew up. SO it was really messy and I
laughed.
Agent BryboRt1
As I suspected, the RS league has something planned. Through
many sorties, and missions, we've managed to discover many plans. We've lost
several men, and one woman, but our numbers are growing. I myself have been a
victim of the rabidness. On one mission, the squirrels ambushed us; several
Squirrel Squads took us from behind. They chewed through my Achilles tendon,
and ate most of my ankles and feet. I managed to get out of there, but two of
my best men were lost selflessly making it possible for the rest of our company
to escape. I know have titanium feet with a Kevlar cover. I'm still working on
walking, and I feel I may be ready for another mission soon, but right now I'm
stuck ordering events.
The plans I spoke of are a little confusing. They've taken a
little town near Temecula, called Winchester, as their headquarters, and are
spawning all sorts of beasts. I've never seen anything like this. They're
planning to siege Los Angeles, San Diego, and Riverside. Things are looking
bad. I just got word that they are working on a missile system. Luckily, we've
just finished completing a missile defence system for just this, but the bad
news is that several cities have been targeted that do not have the MDS-042
yet.
More news to come.
Special Agent Baen
I'm sorry this mission was not completed by the deadline,
but I do have these new titanium feet to deal with.
My mission was to see what chemicals would melt a rabid
squirrel. Lucky me, I didn't have to send anybody out to get a squirrel; I had
it removed from my leg when I returned from our failed sortie.
We tried all sorts of things to melt the squirrel. All the
conventional methods failed. Sulphuric acid tickled the creature, and napalm
only made him turn green. We stuffed his ugly fangs into an industrial strength
microwave, and he glowed for three days, and this hindered our process.
Finally, we took out the Bananarchy Cookbook, and we found a recipe to make
Banana Thermite. This worked. He melted like a stick of butter in the Djibouti
desert. I'm happy with the success.
Another matter that caused the exceedence of the deadline
was, we took the liberty to create a Banana Thermite Bazooka. We are limited in
machinists, but we have it completed. The BTB-DIE-RS is available to Rabid
Squirrel Slayers now in our new catalogue, item B-37.
Special Agent Baen
On capturing a two-year-old male rabid squirrel that I will
refer to as S, I immediately secluded it in a controlled environment where I
was fully in control of all external influencing factors. The facility was
basically the physiotherapy room in my gym. During closing hours I was able to
release S into the gym with the aid of a leash and a cattle prod, I then
subjected it to a six week intensive weight gaining programme, whilst feeding S
with regular doses of Creatine Monohydrate, Glucose C and Yihimbu. I also
subjected S to a vitamin rich Protein and Carbohydrate based diet. The affects
of this were obviously risky as I was obviously increasing S's strength and
stamina and the improvement was obvious. However, this has been controlled
through the use of deep hypnotherapy, and I have therefore began to take S
under my control and no longer need any protection when in its presence as it
obeys my every command. I must therefore inform u that I have created a
"super rabid squirrel", it is still deadly, however more so as it is
far superior to an average R.S. I have now captured a female subject, and its
rehabilitation, or should I say "conversion" is almost complete. I
will then commence the controlled breeding faze of my experiment. Although this
study was initiated by your good selves, I must consider the unique situation I
now find myself in and as I see it I have two options, 1: use this formidable
weapon against the R.S.'s. 2: use them to gain total control over the Rabid
Squirrel slayers, and establish myself as the new chief slayer. I must inform u
that I have decided on the latter, and I am not afraid to gain my desires
through action. I await your reply, but do not take too long; time is not on
your side.
Agent Steven Mann
MORE REPORTS TO FOLLOW SOON...
(c) Rabid Publications