Volume 9 - Issue 2
4-February-2001
Mission Name: Melt a Squirrel
Type: Biological research.
Status: COMPLETED
Location: Your choice.
Summary: In chemical warfare, there are many deadly substances
that have unpredicted effects on the recipient. You must capture a RABID
squirrel, and suitably restrain it. Then you must experiment on the monster.
Bring from your home a wide selection of substances, and separate or mix as you
see fit. You should then see what effect this compound has when applied to the
rabid squirrel. E-mail the results to themaster@slayerhq.fsnet.co.uk
Instilled with the confidence of my new rank (Angry Trapper),
I set out to capture some rabid squirrels. Taking tips from old Bugs Bunny
cartoons, I placed an ad in my school newspaper asking lonely male rabid
squirrels to meet me at my place for a 'good time.' Upon their arrival, they
were seized and tied to a length of train track I had installed, for dramatic
purposes, on the floor of my room.
In compliance with the rules of the new mission, I had
brought an assortment of household items to test on the squirrels. I decided I
was test the tequila first, and doused it on the squirrels. When nothing
happened, I decided to see what would happen to me if I drank it. Well, before
long I found myself dancing and singing Bryan Adams' "Have you Ever Really
Loved a Woman." In my state I released the squirrels, who were nearly too
drunk to walk, and woke up the next morning to find myself wearing women's
lingerie and smelling of sheep.
Agent keeperofspleens
I have discovered a foolproof way to kill squirrels - eat
them! It has never failed me yet and I am feeling none the worse for it. Try
it; you might like it...like Dr. Pepper in that respect, I'd never considered
that before.
Agent Myself
(undercover - as a Venus flytrap)
Out on patrol with Agents Brooks and O'Leary tonight, we
stumbled through the knotted pines of the local woodlands, finding our
well-defended Keep.
Armed with primitive crossbows, and with a limited number of
bolts, O’Leary set out on a walk, only to come back 2 minutes later, screaming.
They had used their 'Sock Removing Device' and O’Leary was barefooted.
We could only get a few words out of him as he soon passed
out because of shock. He had seen the Master Squirrel, and he was hosting a
rally. Agent Brooks and me went to investigate, armed to the teeth with the ol'
chu-kon-du, and were prepared to die for the cause. Ok, we were bricking
ourselves, but we wanted to see the grand leader.
We climbed the brow of the hill, and there they were. Brooks
estimated 55,862 rabid vermin. I aimed at a guard nearby, shot a bolt straight
between the eyes, dead. That alarmed the local guards nearby, and Brooks and me
took out as many as we could, but we ran out of ammo. Fleeing quickly, we found
the hiding place they wouldn’t expect us to go... the keep...
A s***e place I know, and I am writing this from my wap
phone. Yes we were captured... help please!!!!!
Agent Hannant
I am writing to report the biological enhancing chemical of
1,1,3,4,5-hexa-aquauraniumacylchloride - named Ur1nE from now on.
The constructive properties of this Ur1nE, as they
experimented with it on me after I was foolishly captured, are phenomenal. It
stimulates muscle growth and brain development, and the squirrels that have
been exposed will put up a formidable fight with any weapon...
I have managed to workout an enzyme that will reverse the
actions of this salty tasting, yellow liquid.
It is 1,1,3,4,5-hexa-aquauraniumacylchloridease - or called
Ur1nEase
I will send the amino acid codons in a later message
Help me, still captured,
Agent Dr Hannant - CIA (captured in action)
I have finally completed my research into the effects of
chemical warfare on Rabid Squirrels and I hope you find that my results are a
major breakthrough in the fight to erase them from our planet.
My 1st finding was somewhat of an accident. I was walking
home after buying some chips from the local chippy. Then completely out of the
blue, one of them attacked me. In panic I opened a salt sachet and threw it
over him but it had no effect so I opened a vinegar sachet and poured that over
him but still there was no effect when finally, fearing for my life, I threw
the chips out of the cone onto him and he exploded. When I arrived home, I
continued my investigation based on the fact that it must have been the mixture
of salt & vinegar that caused the effect so I tried different ratios of
salt and vinegar to different parts of its body and found that a ratio of 3:1
pour onto the eyes caused the most pain and worked quicker that the others. On
their own these substances are harmless but when mixed in the ratio of 3:1 they
are a proven lethal weapon.
My 2nd finding was just as interesting. I captured a
squirrel and covered it in washing up liquid. At first I thought it was useless
but then it ran away and I thought nothing of it. 3 days later I was looking
through some of those 3D glasses you get at the cinema and it was then I found
the use of washing up liquid. I could see a large area of yellow but nothing
else so I tried to find out what the yellow region was. When I was close to the
region I found a burrow of rabid squirrels. It turned out that the washing up
liquid was the only thing that can be seen through the 3D glasses and when the
squirrel was covered, I followed it to their base, armed with a flamethrower
and 30 litres of petrol. You can guess what happened if I tell you that on that
day I claimed the death of 362 rabid squirrels. Although this is not a weapon
as such it is vital to the surveillance of the rabid squirrels.
I have other findings, which are on a bar graph attached to
this e-mail,
Slayer007
Because of the holidays I decided to employ the help of my
chickens in the fight against our furred foes. Mapp gas is a good weapon
against squirrels. Mapp gas combined with a giant enclosed tub of gasoline is
even better. Another good ploy is to take aluminium powder and stuff it in
their acorns along with flint and steel. When they eat they will explode, its
rather amusing. It is also rather fun to take an automag (good paintball gun if
you didn't know) and shoot them really fast, with green paint. The last method
I have devised is to shoot them out of a potato gun they make a big dirty splat
on your neighbours roof that way.
Well due to the holidays the rabid squirrels in the vicinity
of my house were resting and planning how to kill all the birds at my bird
feeder at eat my brain. The later of which they will never accomplish. Even
with this lack of exiting their homes I still got to do some experimentation,
when my father found a nest in his old tractor. Here is what I found out: When
MAPP gas is combined with the very deadly chemicals in road flares, the turn to
dust. Another finding is that when pure aluminium powder is combined with
magnesium the rabid squirrel is then vaporised. Another thing that rabid can't
combat is being shoved down the barrel of a potato gun after the potato is,
then shot, when they hit the ground they become less solid then oatmeal.
Agent COCHINMAN1
I captured a rabid by setting a trap using black pudding as
bait. The little s**t was f*****g and blinding when I tied him to a pole. I
then started to experiment with household chemicals.
Firstly I used dettol, thinking this may disinfect the rabid
into being cured from rabies. I was wrong; all it did was make him foam at the
mouth!
Then I tried domestos multi surface cleaner, this time I
injected the stuff in its blood. This caused a very interesting reaction, the
rabid started convulsing, I actually felt sorry for it, until it threw up on my
boots (I had to burn them afterwards) Lastly, I used bleach, I poured it all
over him, his fur started to turn blonde, I found this hilarious, I only wish I
had a camera. The little s**t was really pissed after that, I think the bleach
made him go blind, cause when I untied him, to try and drown it, he ran from my
grasp into the road, sat down, then got hit by a 310a bus. Shame.
Agent Mazza
Ok, first of all I got out my rubber gloves, smock (apron),
some goggles and a gas mask (the gas mask and eye protection are a MUST). I
then got out the Drano and some generic brand Liquid drain cleaner and mixed
them together. I found out that this creates a sulphurous compound and it
totally scorched the inside of the lungs of this squirrel. Of course you could
bottle this into little vial and throw them into the hideouts of the rabid
squirrels or if you want a torture, take out the rubber gloves and apply to
chest area (much like Vicks Vapour Rub) to get it into the system. I also found
that this can bleach the hair and burn the skin if applied onto the squirrel.
Have fun!
WARNING!!!!! THIS REALLY DOES WORK!!! DO -NOT- TRY THIS FOR
REAL AS THE CHEMICALS ARE SO STRONG YOU WILL LIKELY HAVE TO EVACUATE THE NEIGHBOURHOOD!!!
THIS SULPHUR GAS WAS USED IN WW1 AS CHEMICAL WARFARE SO THIS IS -NOT- SOMETHING
TO FOOL AROUND WITH OR MAKE WITH YOUR BUDDIES!!! I TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR
ANYONE (OR ANYTHING) HURT, INJURED, OR FORCED TO EVACUATE BECAUSE OF THIS
EMAIL.
Agent Luke
I have been doing some surveillance work for you recently
and have discovered a flaw in the squirrels’ plans.
On the first Tuesday of every month the squirrels go to a
secret meeting called the "tigers" which is a blatant rip off of our
Human "Lions Meetings"
Here they eat, drink and discuss their plans for the next
month. These are evil meetings with plots being brewed in each one if we could
infiltrate these meetings with people dressed in furs with big bushy tails and
little furry ears and teeth (not furry teeth) this could put us at a
disadvantage.
Also... there is someone above King Fuzzball. He is Emperor
Fluffy MacFluff he makes an appearance at every meeting.
Agent Matt
I have news on the rabid blighters from an outpost in
'Nam...Cheltenham. There is a serious infestation at Cheltenham and Gloucester
College, and it could get much worse. They recently dragged one of the security
guards into the shrubbery and then proceeded to rape and torture him until he
handed over the keys. Only problem is they brainwashed him and so he doesn't
remember a thing, but now the squitters have access to the college facilities
and the computer main frame itself. I have reason to believe they are mounting
a huge sortie and running the operation from right in the centre of my very own
college. I need help, there is no way I can decrypt their messages that they
are sending via the college network to squitters world wide, please advise all
locals to keep an ear open and watch closely their local squitter infestations.
They know I’m onto them, the one squitter left in my area has been watching
from the tree tops with his telephoto zoom camera and following me in his new
BMW Z8, something’s definitely up.
Agent Cobra Kai
WHAT CAN I SAY? INVALUABLE RESEARCH...
I found a rabid squirrels nest. I staked out to find out
their routine. I noticed that one of the squirrels was less intelligent than
the others, but was twice the size of the average rabid. This, I believe, is
the result of inbreeding, or as some might say, incest. The sick little f*****s!
I decided to make this squirrel my test victim, as its
immune system would be twice of any other rabid. I used the old trick of 'puppeteering.'
I used an old rabid fur (disguised as a female) to lure the dumb ass squirrel
into my trap. When close enough, I whacked him over the head with a baseball
bat, but this wasn’t enough to knock him out. So I proceeded to rip his legs
off, so he couldn’t run away. Now the s**t head will be fully conscious when I
burn his face off.
I then took him back to my bedroom (no sick ideas people)
and carried on with the experiment. I pinned him down to a piece of wood using
3 nine-inch nails. Two for his arms, and one for is whip-like tail. (Don’t
forget that at this point, he has no legs). I started by mixing bleach,
weed-killer, etc in a bowl, and then got a long piece of tubing with a funnel
at the top end. This piece of funnel was shoved as far down the rabid's gullet
as possible. I then proceeded to pour the mixture in. The effects of this to
the squirrel were:
1. After two minutes, he had an epileptic-like fit.
2. Pink foam discharged from the ears, eyes, mouth, and
other various orifices.
3. Then it began speaking to me in broken English. Asking me
what was this form of torture, and why it was being practised on him. (I saw
this as a good opportunity to interrogate the squirrel into telling their plans
on world domination. The squirrel confessed to being the person on the grassy
knoll, killing John Lennon, being the mystery killer of Marilyn Monroe, lastly
telling us that the rabid leader was in fact none other than da da da da da da
daaaaaaaaaaa Elvis Presley)
4. Five days later, the chemicals took full effect, the
rabid, whose name I found was Don Whan, he increased in width and body mass, to
an extent where his feeble and weak body couldn’t take any more. Minutes later,
it exploded, sending psychedelic pink glup all over my room. (My girlfriend
wasn’t impressed)
5. In later analysis of the remains I found intestines on
the ceiling, an eyeball attached to my snooker cue, and a tracking device under
the skin, above the skull of the squirrel. On looking out of my window, I saw
no less than a million rabid squirrels and rats; I now have to fight for my
life.
Agent jiz_loon
PS Send reinforcements, quick!
Please we need backup in the state of Wisconsin it is an
emergency. The small city of New London is being overtaken. We have mm1 grenade
launchers, sniper rifles, and nerve gas. But they are too great! We need major
backup. They have cut everything but this one last phone line and they are
killing anyone they see on the street! HELP!!!
Agent ss4slade
Don't worry. I had saved a nuclear missile for this exact
situation. I have launched it now; the rabid squirrels will be destroyed in
T-300 seconds.
The Master Hunter
P.S. Run for your life!
I have escaped your nuclear blast and have noticed that it
took out the majority of the rabid squirrels. So I congratulate you on a most
excellent attack on them. I have since then been doing experiments on the
little buggers that escaped.
It is safe to say they are all dead... all 15 of them. You
see they were so surprised to see the explosion they stood paralysed. I immediately
took advantage of them by tying them up with some extra powerful titanium alloy
cables. They tried to escape but it was just too powerful for the freakish
monsters.
I took a few of my fellow hunters that live in my branch of the world and we dragged them to underground lab we had created just for testing on them. We developed all sorts of chemicals to test on them.
HERE ARE A LIST OF THINGS THAT WORK:
1. WD40 and spray paint lit on fire and poured on them kills
them in two minutes.
2. The sap from a Green leaved maple tree and pure nicotine (make
them drink).
3. Pure alcohol and crack (pour in their ear).
4. Cocaine and Marijuana (make them smoke).
5. Heroine and Morphine (injection).
6. If you take 10 gallons of gas and pour it on them while
they sit in a 15-gallon barrel and then ignite them they will be COMPLETELY
gone in 2 hours. There will be absolutely nothing but a pile of ashes (not even
bones).
7. Make them watch Pokemon (that can get messy). You can
expect their teeth to dig in the back of their head and eat their brain.
8. Use the ashes of there comrades, roll it up in a piece of
lined paper, and make them smoke it.
Those are the easiest and best ways we found to kill those
dirty foam sucking crap bags.
NOTE* the best way to keep them alive while you prepare any
experiments is to feed them people you don't like covered with ether (puts 'em
to sleep).
Agent ss4slade
Thanks to Big Slayer Mr. Brooks for compiling these last two
issues while I've been busy - The Master Hunter.
IF YOUR FREE GIFT IS NOT ON THE COVER THEN KEEP BUYING THIS ISSUE UNTIL YOU FIND ONE.
(c) Rabid Publications