Volume 9 - Issue 4
24-February-2001
I've been busy recently, as is shown by the dramatic
increase in rabid squirrels in my town, I must have seen five this week (one of
whom was disguised as a biscuit in the canteen). I've been busy making version
3 of the RSS Webpage. It's blumin' good, and should be finished soon, despite
many distractions, for example Agent Double Oh'Leary's new purple bandana, our
scouring of the Peak District for squirrels (we only found hares (although not
near Neil)), and Big Slayer Mr. Brooks running off to Africa. But everything is
back to normal now.
The Master Hunter
theMaster@RabidSquirrels.co.uk
I have completed recon of the 1km around my house. I have
spotted 132.3148 squirrels (I think I may have counted a few twice) and
although they all look sinister, none of them can be definitely identified as
"rabid". I will continue surveillance.
Agent Wetzel
P.S. You may be wondering about the 0.3148 of a squirrel I
mentioned. One squirrel startled me and I beat it to a bloody pulp with a stick
I brought with me for self-defence. Only 0.3148 of it could be identified as
"squirrel". I don't even think it was rabid. Oops...
I have been continuing recon on the rabid squirrels in my
area. Even though none of the squirrels
show the symptoms of rabies, I have noticed that they seem somewhat more
"militant" than is normal for squirrels.
I propose a rather frightening hypothesis, that these
squirrels are rabid, but have mutated as to show no visible symptoms. I also believe that I have found the
cause. A river which flows through the
campus is severely polluted with industrial runoff. I took a sample of the polluted water to some chemical
engineering graduate students. After
running tests on it, they found 67 different carcinogens capable of altering
DNA. But how do these chemicals get
into the squirrels? Some of the trees
around the river look diseased, possible because of the cancerous carcinogens. I took a few acorns for analysis. The chemical engineers found 43 carcinogens
in the nuts, far more than enough to mutate a single-cell foetal squirrel into
a stable mutation with enough failed attempts (evolution accelerated can be
disturbing). I have noticed the squirrels engaged in military manoeuvres and
recon. I don't think they know about me
yet, but just in case, I plan to start carrying a broad-sword-sized 2-by-4
style squirrel-beating stick.
I decided not to arm myself with the standard-issue piece of
paper (thanks for the incredible arsenal, you cheap bastards!) because I have
no real training in combat using paper (and because beating the shit out of
small animals with a stick 4 times its length is Oh so much fun!).
Agent Wetzel out.
I am only a new member and devoted to the cause my first
assignment was to search for squirrels in my local area. I knew there were some present as I had seen
them before and knew the blighters need eradicating. I live on an island called west mersea it is the most eastern
island of the British Isles.
After receiving my acception to the RSS I decided to commit
myself straight away and spent a night prowling the island looking for the scum
of the earth. 4 hours searching the
island, police thought I was up to something and took me to the local cell when
I could not explain my work (being undercover is crucial during such
operations). The remainder of the night
spent in the cell - yes an unsuccessful night.
I was granted bail and after gaining some sustenance (raw orange jelly)
I continued.
After several hours of unsuccessful land hunting I took to
my boat to see what I could find. A
maglight was my only means to aid my sight as I searched the local creeks for
any type of rs. I encountered one
particular creek that is occasionally restricted access due to tide
variations. It was 02:15 hours and my
luck was in. I sailed up the creek
following the music of D:ream - Things can only get better. It was coming from a small island called Ray
Island and as I got closer squealing was evident. I moored my boat and explored the island. It took only a couple of minutes before I
found the sight where some of my worst nightmares came true.
The d:ream music was on a loop and was driving me insane it
bellowed from a huge gramophone and was powered by the traditional run of the
mill squirrel on a pogo stick. There
was a large totem pole in the middle of the clearing carved out to mimic the
evil Chris Akabusi, just looking at him struck the fear of his insane laughter
into my shivering body. The worst
however is yet to come, yes you have guessed it - hundreds of rabid squirrels
dancing round the evil akabusi.
Dripping with sweat and shaking like squirrel on ecstasy I tried to get
a better look.
My mind went blank I had lost any recollection of the last
20 minutes, I had passed out and had no idea where on the island I had left my
boat. This was worrying but nowhere
near as worrying as the news I am about to tell you. No amount of training could have prepared any RSS for this. A new breed of squirrel not featured on your
website and more fearsome than Andy peters trying to be your friend. They were aggressive, ugly and had really
short paws. The most disgraceful
creatures alive - yes Dutch rabid squirrels.
Cowardly I know but drastically outnumbered and fearing for
my life I swam home. The time was 05:32
hours.
I am enclosing what I feel is an artists impression of the
little blighters (put on the new webpage - MH) in the hope that you can inform
readers of the website about this rare breed.
Contact me if you need to know more information I am prepared to visit Ray
Island again.
Agent Caslin
I have just discovered that a fellow slayer, Sam Caslin, is actually
a rabid squirrel in disguise. Warn all other slayers that he is to be
approached with extreme caution and should not be trusted. He is about to hand
in a report on rabid squirrels in his area, which is actually an attempt to
lead us slayers into an ambush!!! BEWARE!!!!!!!!!!
After consulting Sam Caslin he has proven to me that while
on a recent stake out in a local area, he passed out and the rabid squirrels
made an evil clone of him. He has produced a valuable report, which has
produced new findings of our understandings of rabid squirrels. Read his report
and brief slayers on his findings and be aware that squirrels can clone, tell
all slayers to carry ID at all times.
Angry Trapper 007
I also regret to inform you of slayer007 (spunkeymonkey68)
bid to overthrow you as ruler of the RSS.
I walked in on him telling a non-agent in my i.t. class. It is apparent after his recent promotion he
has set his sites on your role as our leader.
In a bid to prevent me from spilling the beans he demanded as 'a
superior agent I must have this document'.
Being only an agent and he being an angry trapper I had to
oblige but only provided half of the document. It is to my knowledge he is
trying to spread poor rumours about my agendas as an RSS in an attempt to keep
my mouth shut. Do not believe these rumours
- cuff is a good trapper but a dangerous man - watch your back.
Agent Caslin
After I had received your e-mail I packed my trusty rabid squirrel-killing
device (my grade 2b pencil) and set out on their trail. It wasn't long before I
spotted one of them savaging a bull terrier, it seems that the squirrels in my
area have got an acquired taste for 'bitch' so if possible I’d like to lure
them to the spice girls flat, that'll teach them for writing crappy songs!!! Well
that's all I have to report I hope you can have the heart to unleash the
squirrels upon the spice girls it would make the world a better place.
Agent *~KurbaniS~*
Things were looking good. We decided to use the old
fashioned medieval technique to the riddance of the squirrels, using swords,
maces, morning stars, axes, spears, lances, crossbows, and long bows. We
vanquished in battle. Bits of squirrel lay all over the fields when we were
finished. Things got quite bloody. But then things came to a "stand
still" when PETA and The National Humane Society found out what we were doing
to "defenceless little animal people." What a bunch of fruits. They
say killing this enemy is cruel, and we need to stop. But the Rabid Squirrels
can keep killing all of us. I think the "humane" groups are just
rabid squirrels disguised in human mechs. I'm going to attempt to capture a
member of PETA and experiment on him. If what I fear is true, things will get
quite nasty, since we won't know the difference between a friendly and a foe.
My feet and ankles are doing much better. I've learned to
utilize them to help with my speed, agility, and the squirrels can't chew
through it.
Angry Trapper Klein Baen
I have just captured a live squirrel and covered it in
sulphur and kerosene and threw a c-4 charge on it. I then shot it in the head
18 times with a UAS-12 rapid-fire shotgun, threw a lighted match at it, threw
it in a boiling pot of plasma, and detonated the c-4 all at once. I just sent
the squirrel to my buddy Snyder and am waiting for test results
Agent Hime
Having captured a rabid squirrel with acid phlegm, I decided
to do some tests.... here are my findings:
1. Dissolve baking soda in water, and using a super soaker
3000 (the others are crap), squirt the solution into the beasts mouth... a
reaction takes place which produces hydrogen gas, and inflates the squirrel. A
match does the rest... or give it two flints
2. Adding these household objects to the baking powder
solution produces different effects:
a/ irn bru- turns
orange- then talks with Scottish accent- then bursts
b/ red food
colouring- turns it colourless...
c/ rubber- the
animal will bounce... then explode!
d/ bleach (domestos)
- makes it shrink
e/ bleach (any
other)- begins to look like George W. Bush
f/ helium- talks
like Joe Pasquali
g/ finely ground chilli
powder- hahahaha!! Try it, 'tis SOOOOO funny!
3. Ram a pool cue down its throat... loadsa fun
Angry Trapper Ellz
I go by the alias Dangerous Dave, one of the few Welsh
slayers that exist (yes Wales, it’s that country next 2 England. We have our
own language and are vastly more intelligent than the English scum). I became a
slayer after numerous attempts to detach Wales as a country from England
failed. I was trying to make Wales an island in order to free us from the
plague and tyranny of the English. Now a much more furry and altogether tedious
enemy faces me in Wales-The squirrels. These creatures are bad enough the way
they are created but squirrels with cockney accents? Although it makes them
easier to kill as I can identify them with English people they are far more aggravating
than the latter. I am contacting you to make you aware of this 'British' terror
and to ask if there are any other slayers in Wales besides me and Tom Jones.
Your influence as a slayer is far and wide, you're an inspiration to the Welsh
people also, the English will be beaten!
P.S. Save the trees by killing squirrels!
Agent Greek
Hello my name is Mook Warrior, I live on a small island
called Wales, which apparently used to be connected to a strange and perverse
country called England. Wales has only recently had an unpleasant dearth of rabid
squirrels, I have found that the best way of combating these frothing fiends is
to force feed then mook beans (the history of mook beans is shrouded in
mystery, mook beans are distantly related to the moke bean which is found in
meals like mixed bean stew, mook beans can only be found growing in my mystical
village of Moelfre which is a hidden village in the mountains). Mook beans seem
to have a very unpleasant reaction with the internal organs of squirrels and
make them explode into many pieces. To obtain a free packet of trial bean email
Doji_geeza2001@yahoo.com Kill the Squirrel!!
Agent Mook
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: DON'T COUNT YOUR SQUIRRELS BEFORE THEY'RE CATCHED.
(c) Rabid Publications